The Academy Transcript (Dialogue Only)
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Peddler: The bridge is out.
Lilith: I noticed.
Peddler: Guess we double back and take the long road around the canyon.
Lilith: No time. I gotta get to my daughter at her academy. And this is the fastest way. Besides, I prefer to fly. Whoo-hoo!
Peddler: Whoa, mama!
Lilith: Come on. Jump. I'll catch ya.
Peddler: Uh, pass. I don't think I have your backbone. But good luck anyhow.
Lilith: Thanks, but, um, Amazons make their own luck. See ya.
Peddler: Uh, hey. What do they call you?
Lilith: Trouble. But you can call me Lilith.
~*~
Jason: It'll be great to see the old school again. Feels like it's been forever.
Hercules: It has been forever. We're getting old, Jason.
Jason: Speak for yourself.
Iolaus "2": Um, are they expecting us?
Hercules: Oh, I'm sure the headmaster got my letter.
Jason: He's got a tough act to follow. Cheiron was one of a kind.
Iolaus "2": Technically, he was two of a kind. See, on my world, the academy was a center of learning of the black arts. Cheiron ruled it with an iron fist. He turned the Sovereign into a tyrant.
Jason: Well, don't worry. That wasn't our Cheiron.
Iolaus "2": If you say so.
Hercules: Iolaus, repeat after me.
Iolaus "2": After me.
Hercules: Change is good.
Iolaus "2": Change is good.
Hercules: I will not run from it.
Iolaus "2": I will not run - Bye!
Hercules: That's quite a show.
Jason: I'll cover backstage.
Iolaus "2": Odds bodkins, man! A pox on your father's house, for I shall roodle titwillow and jump Jim Crow.
Wait! Look! Huh?
Jason: These guys aren't thugs, Hercules. They're too good.
Hercules: You're telling me. Let me guess. It slices and dices. And if you act now, you get a free butt-kicking. But wait. There's more.
Forward, men!
Let me go!
Retreat!
Men, let's go!
Iolaus "2": So, I guess those clowns have gone back to whatever circus they came from, huh?
Jason: Recognize the attack pattern?
Hercules: The same one Cheiron taught us when we were kids. They came from the academy.
~*~
Narrator: This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering. Only one man dared to challenge their power - Hercules. Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart. He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods. But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be... Hercules.
~*~
Hail!
Gangway!
Come back here!
Iolaus "2": So, this is where you guys learned to be heroes. Guess they start 'em young.
Hercules: Looks like they've lowered the age of admission.
Iolaus "2": Any younger, they'd be breast-feeding.
Whoa!
Hercules: Okay, okay. I think playtime is over. Uh, these used to be padded.
Seska: Yeah? Well, the instructor says they're not gonna be padded in the real world, so why here?
Hercules: Maybe so you live to see the real world, hmm? Oh, here. Let me give you a hand.
Tabor: I never asked for your help. None of us did.
Hercules: Tabor.
Jason: By the gods, you're Cheiron's boy.
Hercules: The last time I saw you, you were about knee-high.
Jason: And dribbling.
Seska: Nothing changes.
Iolaus "2": Wait a minute. Your father was a Centaur. Guess you didn't inherit his, you know, equine things.
Tabor: No. It looks like it was your friends who inherited the horse's ass.
Iolaus "2": Did he just call me--
Hercules: Um, yes, he did. Iolaus, why don't you go over there and play nice with the other children.
Iolaus "2": No, no, but he called me-
Hercules: Just go-- go play nice. We'll catch up with you.
Tabor: You, I remember. Who are you?
Jason: It's me, Jason.
Seska: Jason? As in Argonaut Jason? Jason-- King of Corinth, Jason?
Jason: Well, ex-king. The crown still fits.
Zylus: Shape up, cadets. It appears we're in the presence of greatness.
Tabor: Yeah, right. I'm outta here.
Zylus: Uh, you'll have to excuse Tabor. Being the son of Cheiron, he sometimes thinks that he owns the place. I'm Zylus.
Hercules: Nice to meet you, Zylus. I'm, uh-- I'm here to see the headmaster.
Zylus: Oh. Oh, of course. He's right upstairs, so if you want me to show you.
Hercules: Oh, thanks, but I know where it is.
Jason: Yeah. If memory serves, you were asked to find your way there on more than one occasion.
Hercules: Speak for yourself. And watch out for this guy.
~*~
Headmaster: I'm glad you made it.
Hercules: Are you leaving?
Headmaster: They don't need both of us here.
Hercules: Ah. Whoa, whoa, wait, wait. I'm-- I'm just visiting.
Headmaster: Suit yourself, but I'm not staying.
Hercules: Well, I can see that. You wanna tell me what's wrong?
Headmaster: You know the worst thing about growing up, Hercules? You forget what it was like to be young.
Hercules: I'm sorry.
Headmaster: I just don't understand these children anymore.
Hercules: Well, you will. You just have to have patience.
Headmaster: That's easy for you to say.
Hercules: What kind of example are you setting for them by walking out the door when they need you most?
Headmaster: They don't need me. They need a drill sergeant. Half of them just wanna become mercenaries for money. Money! Well, I'm sorry. That's not why I became a teacher.
Hercules: Wait. That's a bad bruise. How'd that happen?
Headmaster: Accident. I ran into a wall.
Hercules: Does the wall have a name? Look. I was attacked on my way here. Someone obviously wants us out of the way. Someone inside. Just let me help.
Headmaster: I'm sorry. Good-bye.
Hercules: It's never easy.
~*~
Hercules: Excuse me. Zylus, I'd like to speak to the cadets.
Zylus: Attention. Everyone, this is Hercules. We all know who he is. Now, listen up. He's got an announcement to make. They're all yours.
Hercules: Your headmaster left on an emergency. Until we can find a replacement, I'll be taking over. As you may know, I, uh-- I graduated from this academy. And from what I can tell, a lot has changed since then. And not all of it for the better. Now I know some of you are here to learn, but I also know that some of you are not. To those that are here to uphold the traditions of this academy, I promise... I will not let you do it alone. As for the rest of you, whatever you may have done before today, well, that's your business. But from this day forward, whatever happens here, it's my business. You're dismissed.
Jason: You couldn't have said it better.
Iolaus "2": Actually, you could have. I noticed an incorrect pronoun and two misplaced modifiers. And also, if you wanna know the truth, your sentence structure is just a little unwieldy.
Hercules: Well, thanks for the tip, Professor.
Iolaus "2": You're welcome.
Hercules: You've just earned yourself a tenure on my faculty. Congratulations.
Iolaus "2": Me, a teacher?
Hercules: Yep.
Jason: Anything I can do?
Hercules: You don't think I'd forget about you.
Zylus: Excuse me. We just wanted to pledge our full allegiance, sir.
Hercules: Oh, well, thank you, but please, call me Hercules.
Zylus: Yes, sir.
Hercules: Okay. Uh, well, you can start by putting the protective padding back on the training staffs.
Zylus: Yes, sir. You heard him, boys. Let's get to work.
Jason: What now?
Hercules: Now we've got a school to run.
Iolaus "2": What about those cadets who attacked us before?
Hercules: Not to worry. They'll try again. Come on, Jason.
Jason: Well, good.
~*~
Zylus: Space is pretty tight around here. We're talking about adding on. Maybe building a whole new wing.
Hercules: Hmm. Nothing like a school project to get everyone working together. This used to be the music room. Either I'm out of touch, or tubas are getting more deadly.
Swords, body armor.
Zylus: Well, we're very proud of our academy, sir, and we like to be able to defend it.
Hercules: Defend it? I've seen entire armies with less. Get the cadets together. We're gonna burn all this.
Zylus: Sir?
Hercules: It's easy to teach kids to pick up a weapon. What we have to do is train them to use the ones they already have.
Zylus: We'll get rid of the weapons. Good.
~*~
Faster, you little maggots! You're not getting any younger. Fifty more!
Jason: Hey, lighten up. They're kids.
That's why I'm trying to make sure they can take care of themselves.
Iolaus "2": Shouldn't they be learning multiplication or how to read?
Those classes were discontinued.
Jason: Well, then we'll just have to start 'em up again.
Yes, sir.
Is he gone?
Jason: Some example these guys are setting.
Iolaus "2": Yeah. Well, I guess there's a bright side. Sometimes you can learn more from watching an idiot than you can from listening to a genius.
Jason: I couldn't agree more. Best of luck.
Iolaus "2": Thank you. Where you going?
Jason: You wanted to teach 'em how to read. Now's your chance.
Iolaus "2": They're toddlers. Jason, I can't teach toddlers. Jason!
~*~
Hercules: Thanks, Tabor. I'm gonna need all the help I can get here, from you most of all.
Tabor: Why? 'Cause I'm my father's son?
Hercules: Yes. And the rest of the cadets are looking to you to set an example.
Tabor: Well, don't expect too much. I'm not a half-god.
Hercules: One of the most important lessons your father taught me was that the more you keep something inside, the more it eats away at you. You wanna tell me what's on your mind?
Tabor: All I ever heard growing up was what a great cadet you were. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been standing in your shadow long enough.
Jason: The kid seems to have a pretty big chip on his shoulder.
Hercules: Yeah, well, we were young once, right? Remember when we built this? Our good-bye gift at graduation.
Jason: Yeah, the Wild Bunch-- you, me, Iolaus, Lilith.
Hercules: Lilith? Wow. There's a name I haven't heard in a long time.
Jason: Remember how angry she was when she first came here?
Hercules: Growing up torn between us and her life with the Amazons. Was it my imagination, or, uh, you know, were you two sort of-- [ Clicks Teeth ] you know--
Jason: I believe it was called going steady at the time. Ah. She was my first love. I tried talking her out of going back to her tribe, but bad timing, I guess.
Lilith: My timing's improved a lot since then.
Jason: No kidding.
Lilith.
Lilith: Yeah. Hey.
Wow.
What are you doing here?
Lilith: Well, I'm here to visit my... ...Iolaus.
Stop. Stop. Over here. Come on. March!
Lilith: Would you look at that? The gang's all here.
Not exactly. Lilith, there's--
Jason: I'll tell her. Why don't we take a walk?
We're gonna go this way. Come on!
~*~
Lilith: But he looks so much like him.
Jason: I know. And calling him Iolaus, that really takes some getting used to. But even though he's not the same person we grew up with, in a way, they share the same heart.
Lilith: Then I know I'll like him.
Jason: I tried finding you often. But the Telaquir Amazons aren't easy to track.
Lilith: Well, you had a kingdom to run. I know that.
Jason: I was never too busy for you.
Lilith: Our lives took separate paths, Jason, but... there's a bond that we've always shared.
Jason: I know.
Lilith: No. No, you don't.
Seska: Mother, mother.
Lilith: Ah, Seska. I want you to meet Jason, your father.
Seska: Hey.
~*~
Seska: I have so much to tell you about how the semester is going.
Lilith: I can't wait to hear about it. We'll catch up when you're done.
Jason: And maybe sometime we could--
Seska: Yeah, maybe.
Jason: We have a daughter. We have a daughter! Why didn't you tell me?
Lilith: What would you have done? Raise her as Princess of Corinth?
Jason: Why not?
Lilith: Because she's an Amazon.
Jason: You bounced between worlds growing up. What made you think Seska couldn't handle it?
Lilith: It was bad enough I had to grow up with an identity crisis. I wasn't about to hand one down to my daughter.
Jason: But where do you think your strength came from, Lilith? Ask yourself "Who am I?" enough times, sooner or later you're bound to find an answer, and you did. Seska had a right to find hers.
Lilith: I never denied her that right. She's known about you since she was little. We Amazons don't raise our daughters to hate men, Jason. Only to rely on their own inner strength. If Seska had ever asked to see you, I wouldn't have hesitated.
Jason: So why now, after all this time?
Lilith: Because now she's ready. She just doesn't have the words to ask for your affection.
Jason: She doesn't have to ask for it!
Lilith: Jason, I-- I'm glad to see you again.
~*~
Iolaus "2": Calm down. Be quiet. Please! Please! Be still. Come on, children. Be still.
Mr. Iolaus, there's a bogeyman behind that door.
Iolaus "2": No, there isn't.
Yes, there is. I'm scared.
Iolaus "2": Look. Why don't you go and sit down, and then I will prove to you there is no bogeyman behind the door.
This is gonna be good. See?
[ Boy ] Surprise. It's flour power.
~*~
Zylus: You sure about this?
Hercules: Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Thanks for your help.
Tabor: I didn't do it for you. This is my academy too.
Hercules: I thank you anyway.
Tabor: Why are you really here? Out of obligation to my dad?
Hercules: No. Out of respect. My own father was never there for me, but Cheiron was. I'm not about to let anyone destroy what he built.
Tabor: I never really had a chance to say good-bye to him. I was in Syros when he died.
Hercules: He knew how much you loved him.
Tabor: Yeah, I guess so.
Hercules: Tabor, I need a favor. My friends and I were attacked on the way here by cadets. I need your help to weed them out.
Tabor: What makes you think I wasn't one of them?
Hercules: Because I'm not the only one who wants to keep your father's memory alive.
~*~
Jason: So, uh, why is six afraid of seven?
Seska: Because seven eight nine. Are you trying to bond with me?
Jason: "Trying" being the operative word.
Seska: Look. It's not that I have anything against you. It's just that I've never needed a father, and I don't intend to start now.
Jason: And I don't need to be needed. If nothing else, I'd like us to be friends.
Seska: Then you better start coming up with some better jokes.
Jason: I'll second that.
Zylus: Hey. Follow me. We may have some trouble.
Hey, there. Listen. Um, I saw you talking to Hercules. Yeah. So? So? So, you know, what were you talking about? Nothing. Not so fast, horsey boy. If you were talking about us, we might have a bit of a problem. Everything all right, fellas? Oh. Yeah, it's great.
[ Chuckles ] There's a lot of anger in that kid. I'm sure he appreciates your concern. Well, I hope so, sir. Come on. What are we waiting for? Let's get these guys out of here. Once they're out of the way, we'll be back in charge. Patience. The first strike of any engagement... is psychological, all right? Now, boys,
school is in session. Have you seen Hercules? So we're still speaking? We never stopped. There's something I've been wanting to ask you. What we had, did it mean as much to you as it did to me? You think I cried for a whole season after I left here... 'cause I missed geometry? Jason, you were my first love. That makes us kind of linked for life. [ Seska ] Hey, watch this! In more ways than one.
[ Shouting ] [ Chuckles ] [ Girl Gasps ] Excuse me, sir. I just wanted to reiterate on behalf of myself and the other cadets... our support for what you and Hercules are really trying to do here, you know. What an honor it is for someone as fresh and young as me... to work with someone that's experienced and seasoned as you. Thank you. I'm glad we can count on your support. Oh, sir, it's my pleasure. [ Zylus ] What a great man.
That Jason sure is something, huh? Ex-king, legendary Argonaut. Tell you what. He upholds the finest traditions of this academy. It's a shame about his, um-- Oh, no, forget it. His what? Well, it's just that, uh, I hear he had a bit of a drinking problem. But I'm sure that's from the past, you know. [ Groans ] Are you all right? Mm-hmm. Just need some air.
- [ Grunts ] - [ Gasps ] Looks like I spoke too soon about our new teacher, huh? Look out. Coming through. - Hey! - Pathetic lush. [ Jason ] Sorry. I don't-- Whoa. Come on. Come on. Let's get you out of here, okay? I'm all right. What is wrong with you? Hello, sweetheart. I'm not drunk. Don't! You're hurting me! [ Boys Laughing ]
[ Sighs ] I'm starting to see straight again. There's only seven fingers on each hand now. Well, good. Now you're back to normal. What happened? They must have put henbane in your food. [ Moans ] I embarrassed Seska in front of her friends. No. Look, once she understands, it'll be fine. This was more than just a prank, Jason. Time to give them a wake-up call. Fear brings out the worst in people.
Anger, prejudice, ego-- there's only one thing that can conquer it, and that's courage. Courage brings out the best in us. Hope, daring, compassion-- these things are the foundation of integrity, something the upperclassmen seem to know nothing about. Well, it's time to stop being afraid of them. [ Stammering ] I can, uh-- You've corrupted everything Cheiron stood for, Zylus,
and that's an offense I take very personally. You're expelled. That goes for all of Zylus's followers. We know who you are. Cheiron was a coward. This academy was nothing before me. [ Chuckles ] Good-bye. I don't think you wanna do this. Well, you're right, but you've left me with no choice. Fine. All right, it's time to put this place back on track.
[ Grunting ] [ Panting ] Don't worry. Only way to learn is by making a mistake. I've got it. Thanks. Maybe you could give him a chance. It was Zylus who spiked his food, you know. I heard. Why should I set myself up for disappointment? And what's it to you anyway? I'd give anything for another day with my father.
Seska, you got a lifetime ahead with yours. Trust me. If you don't accept that gift, you will be disappointed... in yourself. [ Chuckles ] [ Children Laughing ] Okay, now we're gonna learn how to add. Hey! Hey, now that is all fun and games... until somebody loses an eye. No, stop. Sit down. Stop. Listen! I'm serious. Stop laughing. This is boring. [ All ] Yeah! -[ Boy ] You're no fun. - [ All ] Yeah!
- I still want a pony. -Yeah! I just wet my pants. [ All Laughing ] Quiet! [ Shouting ] All right, great. [ Iolaus Shouts ] Oh, boy. I have had it. I've tried everything. I've tried laying down the law. I've tried putting my foot down. But nothing works. They're walking all over me! Iolaus, they're children. No, they're not. They're demon spawn. They're minions of evil.
- They're the army of darkness. - [ Chuckles ] How am I supposed to teach them when all they wanna do is laugh? - I think you just answered your own question. - Huh? Be yourself. Make learning fun. And if that doesn't work, remember. You're bigger than they are. Is that a joke? No. I'm bigger than they are. I'm bigger than they are. I'm bigger than they are. I'm bigger than they are! I'm bigger than they are. [ Chattering ]
Hey, kids. [ Blathering ] [ Clucking ] dd It pays to stay in school 'Cause learning is a tool dd dd So don't be shy Raise your hands up high d d [ Screams ] dd Or end up like a fool dd - [ Laughing ] - Come on. Ow. [ Muttering, Blathering ] - dd One and one makes dd - Two! - dd Two plus two is dd - Four!
dd Lesson learned now school's adjourned dd dd So line up by the door dddd Ow! Why, I oughta-- Come here, you. Ow. Okay, kids, we're gonna do the conga. Just follow me! [ Muttering ] One, two, three. Ha! Go. Go. Cover me. I got him. I got him. [ Whistles ]
All right, good game, everybody. Get cleaned up before dinner. Heads up, daddio. [ Groans ] Better hurry if you want some dessert. [ Chuckling ] Ah, they grow up so fast, don't they? It just seems like yesterday we didn't even know she existed. That's very funny. [ Chuckles ] I have to admit, Hercules. Coming back here and meeting Seska, I feel alive again. It's like I found a new purpose in life. Well, maybe you have. Can I buy you dinner? Make no mistake about it, gentlemen.
This is our academy, and I am not about to let Hercules turn it into a day care center. [ Grunts ] Let me go! Look who I found spying on us. Get your hands off me! Well, hi. Look who it is. Another wannabe hero. You know what's funny, Zylus? Hmm? I used to look up to you. Guess that makes me a dummy in a room full of idiots. Well, don't feel too bad, 'cause it seems to run in the family. [ Chuckles ] [ Punches Landing ]
Hey. Hey. Either of you seen Tabor? He's not in his room. [ Both ] No. [ Groaning ] They're coming! Light 'em up, boys. All right, Hercules. You want it? You got it... in ashes. Someone is definitely getting detention. You all right? [ Boy ] Burn, baby, burn. [ Boy #2 ] There's two of 'em on the side! Get him out of here! This is my fight too.
All right, boys. You know what to do. Do it. So, all of the rebels stormed the castle... while Hercules and the Sovereign had this huge fight, which Hercules won. And then everybody lived happily ever after. Good evening, class. - [ Children Whimpering ] - It's time for a field trip. My mommy told me never to talk to strangers. Shut up. Now, everybody, move! Let's go. Your turn to go to the board.
- Get them out of here. - Heads up, boys. [ All ] Huh? Hoo-ah! [ Boys Shouting ] Get her. You've been through the drill, cadets. Now's the real thing. Stay focused and keep an eye on each other. Where's Seska? She's gone back to help. Okay, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven-- Wait a minute. Who's missing? Nickelodeus. He's always sneaking off to the kitchen.
Okay, form a line behind me. Just like the conga line. And follow me. Here we go. Are you ready? And one, two, three. [ All ] Ha! One, two, three. One, two, three. Ha! Ha! One, two, three. Ha! One, two, three. Ha! One, two, three. Ha! One, two, three. Ha! Not a good time for a jam session, Nickelodeus. [ Boy ] This way! Okay, kids, come on. Let's play hide-and-seek. Come on. Burn it. And whatever you do, do not touch Hercules, all right?
He's mine. [ Hercules ] Zylus, you are definitely not graduating with honors. Looks like it's just you and I, huh? That's you and me. You should have stayed in school. You're well past your prime, old-timer. Old-timer? Why don't you do yourself a favor? Retire gracefully, because, uh, I can take it from here. Why don't you show me? Oh, okay.
[ Grunts, Chuckles ] Well, it does slice and dice. [ Grunting ] - When you're ready. - Excuse me. [ Shouting ] [ Shouting ] [ Gasps ] Hands off my daughter. Thank you. What's a father for? Lucky shot. You see, Hercules, sometimes to win the battle, you gotta go down with the ship.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Seska. Hyah! [ Laughs ] [ Seska Shouting ] [ Jason ] You go, girl. Let's get out of here. The kitchen. There's a back door out of here. Come on. Food fight. [ All Shouting ] Come on. Take that!
- Is that all you got? - Why? You tired? Nothing beats experience. Get a haircut. Maybe I do need a haircut. I challenged you to work together as a team. You met the challenge and saved your academy. You all have my deepest respect. And while it's been an honor to serve as your headmaster, it's time for me to move on. [ Students Sighing ] I'm happy to say I'm leaving you in the best of hands. I'd like you to meet your new headmaster, my oldest friend, Jason.
Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! That's my dad! Cheiron would be proud. I'll do my best to uphold the legacy. And it looks like we'll be seeing a lot of each other again 'cause... I plan on visiting often. Oh. I'll try to work you into my schedule. As far as teachers go, I think they all deserve passing grades. Oh, yeah. Some of them have good potential. [ Chuckles ] [ Children Shouting ] [ Iolaus Whooping ]
Oh, no. Okay, bye. Bye. Well, it looks like you made quite an impression. I think they're gonna miss you. [ Boy Laughs ] Nope. They never miss. [ Laughing ]
