Keeping Up With the Jasons Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Teaser

Jason: "Guys, guys. Come on, come on. Drink up. We gotta get back to drills."

Lilith: "Relax, it's OK. We still got a few minutes."

Kora: "Jason, this was left for you. Happy Birthday."

Iolaus: "It's your birthday? I-I didn't know it was your birthday. Did you know it was his birthday?"

Hercules: "It's your birthday?"

Iolaus: "Oh, it's a Corinthian surprise party. You surprise the guests."

Lilith: "Come on, why didn't you tell us it was your birthday?"

Jason: "Well, I didn't want you guys to feel like you had to get me something."

Iolaus: "Oh. Good."

Hercules and Lilith: "Iolaus."

Iolaus: "What? What present do you give a future king?"

All: "Ooh."

Hercules: "Som'in' like that."

Lilith: "Who's it from?"

Jason: "It's from my uncle. These belonged to my father. He used them to break the Barbarian siege."

Iolaus: "Really?"

Hercules: "The Barbarian siege?"

Lilith: "Stellar! That was really nice of your uncle to send ‘em to you."

Jason: "Ah-- he knows how much I miss my father."

Iolaus: "Yeah, we all do."

Hercules: "Well-- these are definitely cool-- all right?"

Melotheum: "Too cool-- for academy wimps."

Lilith: "Hey-- can we help you?"

Melotheum: "You're sitting at our table."

Lilth [and others]: "Oooooh."

Iolaus: "Oh-- I'm sorry, I didn't see your name carved on it."

Jason: "That's assuming you _can_ carve your name."

Melotheum: "You academy punks come in here-- and act as if ya own the place!"

Kora: "I own the place, so calm down, Melotheum. We don't have a gladiators' license, yet."

Melotheum: "Hey-- they can stay. It'll just cost ‘em that sword and shield."

Jason: "Really? Why don't you come try and take ‘em?"

Hercules: "Hold it, hold it, hold on a second, Jason. Um-- let me just get this straight, uh-- you're willing to fight over a table?"

Melotheum: "Mm-hmm."

Hercules: "Well, I can see fightin' over a kingdom."

Jason: "Or fighting for a noble cause."

Lilith: "Or-or to stop outlaws."

Hercules: [Sighs] "But over-- a table. I don't-- know. I-I just wouldn't-- think of that. But, um-- well, if you and this table seem to be so in love, my friends and I wouldn't want to keep you two lovebirds apart any longer. So-- do you wanna be alone-- with the table?"

Lilith: "Yeah, well, we were getting back, anyway."

Jason: "Get goin'. Get goin'."

Hercules: "Listen. Get outta here, birthday boy, all right? We'll take care of it."

Jason: "I'll see you at the academy."

Iolaus: "All right."

Jason: "I'm gonna go polish my-- sword and shield."

Iolaus: "Uh-- I don't have any money."

Hercules: "Well, I don't have any money."

Iolaus and Hercules: "Hey, Lilith."

Lilith: "Huh? Oh. Yeah."

Melotheum: "I'll take that sword and shield now."

Act One

[Fight]

Hercules: "I said we wouldn't fight over a table. I never said we wouldn't defend ourselves."

Melotheum: "You'll be sorry when my brother hears about this."

Cadet: "Wow-- so this is the sword and shield you used to fight off Melotheum and his gang."

Iolaus: "Yeah-- all he did was hold it up like this, and off they ran."

Jason: "Ahh-- there was more to it than that."

Cadet: "Cool-- Jason running Melotheum off, all by himself. Wish I could've seen it."

Hercules: "Me, too."

Cheiron: "Time to choose a Dacuuda."

Cadet's Voice: "Dacuuda?"

Cheiron: "Follow me."

Cadets' Voices: "What is he talkin' about?" "What's a Dacuuda?"

Iolaus: "Ah, he's talkin' Centaur, again. What's Dacuuda?"

Jason: "Don't you ever study?"

Iolaus: "Not really."

Hercules: "Dacuuda-- it's an award for the student demonstrating the highest ideals of the academy."

Iolaus: "And those would be?"

Hercules: "Honor, skill, loyalty-- "

Jason: "-- which automatically leaves you-- out."

Cheiron: "Iolaus-- Lilith-- first test of skill-- one-to-one combat."

Iolaus: "Thank you."

Cheiron: "Begin!"

[Spar]

Lilith: "Owwww!"

Iolaus: "Whoa-- sorry, Lilith."

Lilith: "My eyes!"

Cheiron: "Why did you stop?"

Lilith: "I can't see!"

Cheiron: "Lilith-- you must be ready for anything. You must learn to see-- with other senses. Jason-- Hercules."

Jason: "Smooth move, Iolaus."

Cadet's Voice: "Go, guys."

Hercules: "Hope you know how to use those things."

Cheiron: "Begin!"

[Spar]

Iolaus: "Ow! Ooh!"

Hercules: "Uh, I-- I guess-- that I yield?"

Iolaus: "Man, that was pathetic."

Hercules: "Yeah, um-- congratulations."

Jason: "I was just lucky. Uh-- my father's things made the difference."

Iolaus: "Well, local prince on his way to being Dacuuda."

Lilith: "Yeah, with that sword and shield, nothing can stop you, now."

Hercules: "Hephaestus? It's Hercules."

Hephaestus's Voice: "In the workshop!"

Hephaestus: "There-- fit for a god. So-- what brings you here? Good reason."

Hephaestus: "Huh? My-- private collection. OK. Yeah, I'm real proud of this."

Hercules: "Whoa!"

Hephaestus: "Hey!"

Hercules: "Listen, this is way, way, way-- way-- "

Hephaestus: "-- way beyond what any mortal has seen?"

Hercules: "Yes."

Hephaestus: "I know."

Hercules: "Oh-- oh-ho-ho. Oh."

Hephaestus: "Oh."

Hercules: "May I?"

Hephaestus: "Yeah."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Oh-- wow."

Hephaestus: "Oh."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Could you back up for a second?"

Hephaestus: "Sure."

Hercules: "Whoo! Uh-- well-- this is so light. It's just got such a great balance."

Hephaestus: "My own special alloy-- three times as strong and twice as light as Phoenician iron."

Hercules: "Whoo."

Hephaestus: "Hey-- try it."

Hercules: "Huh?"

Hephaestus: "Yeah-- try it.'

Hercules: "Oh, yeah? All right. Huh, huh? Well!"

Hephaestus: "Drop it."

Hercules: "Drop it?"

Hephaestus: "Trust me-- yeah."

Hercules: "OK."

Hephaestus: "Hey-- trade secret-- magnetic metal. OK. OK. Watch this. OK. Better stand behind me."

Hercules: "All right."

Hephaestus: "Ready?"

Hercules: "OK"

Hephaestus: "OK."

Hercules: "Here we go."

Hephaestus: "Here we go."

Hercules: "Yeah."

Hephaestus: "It's great for fighting dragons!"

Hercules: "Or visting Uncle Hades. Yes! Listen, I-- I don't know what to say. You know? How can I repay you?"

Hephaestus: "Hey-- you already have. You stuck by me when Hera threw me out of Olympus. Come on."

Lilith: "Whoa-oh-ho-ho-- and I thought -Jason's_ sword and shield were awesome."

Jason: "Where'd ya get that stuff?"

Hercules: "Oh, uh-- just found it in some cave."

Iolaus: "Oh, come on, you stealin' from a god?"

Cheiron: "I see you've replaced your sword and shield? I trust you don't think that being Dacuuda-- is about shiny weapons. A Dacuuda must learn to trust his-- or her-- senses. Hercules-- Lilith-- blindfolds."

Hercules: "Thank you. All right."

[Spar]

Lilith: "Lost something, Hercules?"

Hercules: "Whoo-- well-- looks like I found it."

Lilith: "Hey! How'd you do that?"

Hercules: "How? I'm not tellin' my secrets."

Lilith: "Ow!"

Cheiron: "A Dacuuda must be adept at one-to-one combat under any circumstances!"

Jason: "My father's sword."

Hercules: "Listen, I'm sorry."

Lilith: "Hey-- you busted it."

Jason: "Why're you bein' a hotshot, huh? What're ya tryin' to prove?"

Hercules: "Nothin'-- it's just these new weapons. I'm sorry."

Jason: "My father gave me a gift and you don't like it. You're jealous!

Iolaus: [Whistles]: "Man-- whoo-- this sword is ho-ot. Tell you what-- if it were mine-- I would mop the floor with all of you."

Hercules: "Well, will you just-- watch it, all right, Iolaus? It's not a toy."

Iolaus: "Whoo! Ooh! Eee."

Hercules: "Pig."

Lilith: "Oh, come on, you guys. You're not gonna stay mad at each other forever."

Hercules: "She's right, you know."

Woman's Voice: [In Background]: "Oh, there she is!"

Hercules: "Listen, uh-- why don't you let me buy your food-- huh?"

Jason: "I'm not hungry."

Iolaus: "Can I have his share?"

Lilith: "Iolaus! Ah-- your lack of sensitivity is amazing."

Hercules: "Hey, listen. Um-- I broke yours, so you take mine. It's only fair."

Jason: "I can't take it."

Midicus: "I can."

Act Two

Hercules: "Listen-- I didn't wanna fight your brother, and I don't wanna fight you, OK?"

Iolaus: "What is _with_ this family?"

Midicus: "I heard about you cadets and your-- fancy weapons. You say you don't wanna fight? Well, you won't be needin' yours, then."

Hercules: "Uh-- I don't think so."

Iolaus: "I mean, the last thing this world needs is for them to fall into the hands of some-- big-- ugly-- creepy-- funny-lookin'-- "

Hercules: "Iolaus. Hey, I-Iolaus?"

Iolaus: "What?"

Hercules: "Can you go get me some more water?"

Iolaus: "What?"

Hercules: "Ah, just please? Trust me."

Iolaus: "OK, but now is a really bad time to be thirsty, Hercules."

Hercules: "I understand. Do this alone. I got myself in this mess."

[Fight]

Midicus: "It's just you and me, academy wimp."

Hercules: "Ya had enough?! Do ya yield?!"

Midicus: "Is this what you call a fair fight at the academy?"

Hercules: "All right-- whatever."

Midicus: "That was too easy."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Think. Think."

Midicus: "Come out, come out, wherever you are! But I'm over-- here.

Melotheum: "Ya put up a good fight, Midicus."

Iolaus: "You turned the tables on him, Herc." [Laughs]

Kora: "Someone get her some water!"

Hercules: "Is she OK?

Lilith: "My eyes-- I can't see!"

Lilith: "Guess I'll be getting lots of practice in the blind drill."

Cheiron: "What you need is rest."

Hercules: "Well?"

Cheiron: "Only time will tell if she gets her eyesight back."

Hercules: "Lilith can't see. Jason hates me. Iolaus doesn't want me around."

Hephaestus: "Well-- I know how it feels not to be liked."

Hercules: "It's just stupid! Ya know?! It was all about bein' the best! Jason had new weapons, and I wanted better ones, and-- just take ‘em, all right? All they bring is trouble."

Hephaestus: "Well, in that case, I don't want ‘em either!"

Hercules: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ah-- thanks. Take care of him for me, will you? Wha?! Huh?!"

Maximus: "Is this the punk?"

Midicus: "Yeah, that's him."

Melotheum: "That's him."

Maximus: "So, you're the hotshot cadet with the fancy weapons, who picked on my two little brothers."

Hercules: "Uh-- I don't know what your brothers told you-- all right? But I didn't wanna fight them, and I don't wanna you."

Maximus: "In that case-- you give me those fancy weapons-- and we'll call it even."

Hercules: "Well-- interesting story, that. Um-- I don't have them."

Midicus: "I say we start whomping on him now, and he'll get ‘em fast enough."

Melotheum: "If he doesn't have them, let's just go home."

Maximus: "Hey! It's about respect! If Pa taught us one thing, it's never back down from no cadet-- especially-- when _he_ ain't got no weapons."

Jason: "Well, well-- we meet again."

Iolaus: "Hi, kids."

Jason: "What's the problem here, Hercules?"

Hercules: "Ah, well, there's no problem, actually. I was just telling these guys that I don't have my weapons anymore, so-- "

Iolaus: "Where did you hide ‘em?"

Hercules: "Uh-- I destroyed them."

Iolaus: "We have a problem."

[Fight]

Lilith: "Sounds like you cadets could use a hand!"

Hercules: "Lilith?"

Maximus: "Whoa! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

Melotheum: "My eyes!"

Maximus: "Hey-- she's blind. Now, we've got her. This is going to be easy. Ow! Ah!"

Melotheum: "I told you we should have gone home."

Maximus: "Be quiet."

Midicus: "What do we tell Pa?"

Maximus: "Be quiet!"

Jason: "Are we in trouble?"

Cheiron: "Well-- it seems like you had no choice but to fight. You were unarmed-- and outnumbered at the start of it. There's no need for the final test."

Iolaus: "So, did you choose a Dacuuda?"

Cheiron: "You chose for me."

Lilith: "Me?"

Cheiron: "You all fought with skill and loyalty and honor-- but Lilith discovered that a warrior's strength comes from within."

Lilith: "I did? Well, how?"

Cheiron: "When you saw without your eyes."

Hercules and Iolaus: "Happy birthday!"

Jason: "Guys, you shouldn't have. It's my father's sword. You fixed it."

Iolaus: "Yeah."

Hercules: "Hephaestus fixed it, but-- yeah."

Jason: "Ah, guys, I don't know what to say."

Hercules: "Well-- just say that you'll put it away in a safe place where we won't get tempted to show off with it-- all right?"

Lilith: "Mind if I have a go before you put it away?"

Hercules: "Can you see?"

Lilith: "Yes!"

Hercules: "You can see?! That great!"

Jason: "Cheiron-- you're the master! Hey, this calls for a celebration at Kora's."

Iolaus: "All right."

Lilith: "Ah, just one thing? If someone wants that fancy belt of yours-- just give it to them."

Hercules: "All right? Hey, Jason, listen, uh-- I'm really sorry about what happened to your sword."

Jason: "Don't worry about it, Hercules."

Iolaus: "Hey! Birthday boy treats! Huh?! Right?!"