A Serpent's Tooth Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Teaser

1st Man's Voice: "This cow belongs to me, Prince Jason!"

2nd Man Voice: "He's lying, my prince! I raised this cow from a tiny calf with my two hands! You have no idea the amount of time and money-- !"

Ophistus: "I believe you already told that story."

Jason: "Yeah, like twice."

Iolaus: "Uh, sorry. Don't let us interrupt you."

Hercules: "Yeah. My point though, huh?"

Ophistus: "This is the throne room-- not some common courtyard! Leave now!"

Jason: "Look-- I don't know who's cow it is!"

Ophistus: "Prince Jason-- when you become ruler, you must appear to know-- everything."

Jason: "All right. You get the cow. I'll give _you_ one-- from the royal herd-- a royal cow. Everybody's happy. Everybody has a cow. Moo, moo, moo. See ya later."

Ophistus: "There is-- one more petitioner."

Jason: [Sighs] "Aw, come one-- you said that three petitioners ago. Can I go, now? I just wanna play! Hi!"

Sibyl Translator: "The Babylonian Sibyl wishes to present to the crown prince this-- sacred stone-- in honor-- of his coming coronation."

Jason: "You know what they say? Never quibble with a Sibyl."

Ophistus: [Chuckles]

Sibyl Translator: "The Sibyl says the stone will bring good fortune to the ruler who possesses it."

Jason: "Oh! Well, on behalf of the people of Corinth-- we thank the Sibyl."

Sibyl Translator: "The sibyl says, ‘You're welcome.'"

Jason: "Jason says, ‘My pleasure. Be good. [Chuckles] See ya.'"

Ophistus: "Well done, your Highness."

Jason: "Huh? [Mouths] Yeah."

Sibyl Translator: "Hmm-- I'm glad that didn't take long."

Strife: "It didn't-- did it? [Laughing] I got all dressed up!"

Discord: "Chin up, Strife. Just think how impressed Ares will be-- when we've destroyed Corinth." [They laugh]

Jason: "Yo-- if anybody else needs me-- forget it-- ‘cause I'm gonna go outside and _play_."

Hercules: "But-- where's the-- ball? No-- ‘cause somebody fell on it."

Iolaus: "I was push"

Jason: "Ah-- how'd that happpen?"

Iolaus: "Hey, what's this? Looks like a rock."

Jason: "Yeah, it's a-- Babylonian rock."

Hercules: "I wish I was a prince, huh? Nobody ever gives me rocks."

Iolaus: "Yeah-- you know? It's not so heavy. Maybe, uh-- maybe it bounces."

Jason: "Uhhh-- don't-- don't do that."

Iolaus: "Oh, yeah. Ha-ha-ha! Whaddya think? Huh? Huh-h-h? Football game? All right!"

Hercules: "Sh, sh, sh-- no talky, talky; no talky, talky. Just play, _play_."

Iolaus: "Come here. Ooh-oh! Ooh! Uhh! Oh! Huh."

Birth of a basilisk

Act One

Hercules: "What is that thing?!"

Jason: "It was a gift from the Babylonian Sibyl until-- somebody broke it."

Iolaus: "Do you know where she got it? Maybe we can, uh-- take it back and exchange it. I guess he was, uh-- hungry-- huh?"

Hercules: "No, don't."

Jason: "Stick your arm in his mouth. See if he likes meat."

Hercules: "No-- hey, don't. He's joking."

Iolaus: "Uh-- I think he's kinda cute. [Chuckles] Don't be afraid, little guy. I'm, uh-- just gonna, uh-- hey, you, uh-- you want some, uh-- you want some grapes? Whoa, whoa! Huh? Hey, I think he likes me. He must think I'm his mother, or something."

Hercules: "You know what? You probably look like her."

Iolaus: "Oh."

Jason: "Oh."

Hercules: "Oh."

Iolaus: "I gotta call you something. How about-- how about Ruff? OK, so, uh-- hi, Ruff. [Chuckles] Uh-- my name's Iolaus. Do you, uh-- do you wanna be my friend?"

Jason: "Motherhood is such a-- beautiful thing."

Hercules: "Oh, it brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?"

Iolaus: "No harm done. I'll just, uh-- just, uh-- clean it up. Oh! No! Hey! Where's he going?!"

Strife: "How long does it take-- for a-- _basilisk_ to-- hatch, or-- [Chuckling] whatever?" [Screams]

Discord: "Not long, apparently."

Strife: "That basilisk sure is a squirmy little thing, isn't it?"

Discord: "Hercules is coming."

Iolaus: "Ruff! He musta gone this way."

Iolaus: "Ruff! Ruff!"

Jason: "Ha-ha. Iolaus, you sound like a dog."

Hercules: "Hey, you know what? He's probably lookin' for food."

Iolaus: "Yeah-- at the market!"

Hercules: "The market-- good."

Jason: "Hey, Hercules-- explain to me-- why are we chasin' after this Ruff?"

Hercules: "Uh, well-- "

Woman's Voice: [Screams]

Hercules: "Don't you throw that spear!"

Jason: "I'm Prince Jason of Corinth, and that creature belongs to me."

Bearded Man: "Yeah?! Well, we're not _from_ Corinth-- and the food that thing's eatin' belongs to us."

Jason: "Aw-- well, you're probably not hungry now, anyway. Nice kick."

Hercules: "Thanks. You OK? I'm on your side."

[Fight]

Jason: "Thanks!"

Hercules: "Hey-- any time. Hey-- where's Ruff?"

Jason: "Huh?"

Iolaus: "Hang on, Ruff! I'm coming! Hey! Hey! Back off! Leave him alone! Back off! Leave him alone! Leave him alone! You OK? Yeah? OK, now he may _look_ like a monster-- OK, and he _is_-- but-- he's just a _baby_-- OK?! He's harmless! disgusting, but-- harmless."

Man's Voice: "It's a freak!"

Hercules: "Uh-- excuse me."

Jason: "Excuse me."

Iolaus: "Hang on, buddy, I'm comin' to getcha!"

Hercules: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, whaddya think you're doin'?! You know you can't s swim!"

Iolaus: "Well-- "

Hercules: "I don't wanna have to save the both 'a ya."

Iolaus: "Well, go!"

Jason: "Be careful!"

Iolaus: "Can you see him?!"

Hercules's Voice: "I got him!"

Jason: "He's got him. He's got him!"

Iolaus: "Is he OK?!"

Hercules's Voice: "I can't tell! Pull up. Pull up! Pull me up!"

Iolaus: "Oh, man."

Hercules: "Listen-- I don't think he's breathin'."

Iolaus: "Uh-- well, we gotta _revive_ him! Someone's gotta-- someone's gotta blow air into his mouth."

Jason: "All right, well, uh-- well, you're his mother. Y-you do it."

Iolaus: "Yeah. Uh-- uh-- hmm-- hell-- uh [Coughs]-- uh-- I think there's-- something blocking the entrance. There's something in his throat."

Hercules: "Uh-- hold on. Lemme try something. Come here. Come on up. Easy. Easy. OK-- here we go. There's a bunch 'a loose rocks down there. Maybe he swallowed one, you know? OK-- here we go."

Iolaus: "Come on."

Jason: "Popped right out!"

Hercules: "Ah, are you all right?! Don't ever do that again!"

Iolaus: "Aw, man."

Hercules: "Hey, Iolaus."

Discord: "Mmmmm."

Strife: "Um-- is that the sound of a crowd fleeing in terror as Corinth is destroyed? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Uh-- no! [Buzzing Sound] It's the sound of the crowd cheering for _Hercules_ and his pals and their little pet! Nah! Uncle Ares is gonna be _so-o-o-o_ impressed. He-he-he-- he's just gonna go all-- warm and fuzzy, inside. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-- "

Discord: [Interrupting] "Oh-- go soak your head!"

Strife: [Interrupting] [Scream]

Discord: "I try so hard to teach him to be patient. The basilisk is still a baby! It takes time for his venom to take effect!"

Discord: "The fun's started." [They laugh]

Strife: "Like it."

Act Two

Iolaus's Voice: "Hey, uh, now that the fire's out, you guys wanna see what I taught Ruff? Huh?"

Iolaus: "OK, Ruff-- ready? Wanna fetch? Yeah? Hoo! Ah. Go! Awww. Thank you."

Ophistus: "The captain of the guard-- reports that no one was seen setting the fires."

Hercules: "Some people can only be seen when they wanna be seen-- you know what I mean?"

Iolaus: "Fetch! Ooh!"

Jason: "Maybe it was one of the gods."

Ophistus: "The people are worried, Prince Jason. I suggest you make a speech, encouraging them. Now-- this is a standardm reassuring speech, suitable for any calamity."

Iolaus: "Oh. Oh. Ruff?"

Ophistus: "Perhaps you could devote more attention to your duties if you put that _thing_ outside!"

Iolaus: "Hey! His name is Ruff, and he's not a thing! He's a-- he-- he's a-- "

Ophistus: "-- pain-- in the neck! Oh! Oh! No! Oh! Yuck!"

Iolaus: [Interrupting] "Oh, Ruff-- no. Hey, now, calm down, calm down. It's OK. He only does that when he feels threatened. I'll get it _cleaned_ for you."

Jason: "Hey, well, listen, you're gonna have to send it out-- ‘cause the palace laundry burned in the fires."

Iolaus: "Well, I'm takin' Ruff with me. "Let's roll."

Hercules: "Jason-- you know that towel that Iolaus used to wipe off that goop that Ruff spit on him?"

Iolaus: "Come on, buddy."

Hercules: "That was in the laundry that caught on fire, wasn't it?"

Jason: "Yeah, I think so."

Hercules: "And that inn that burnt down, was that the one we had to rescue Ruff from?"

Jason: "Yeah, and there was a fire-- near the well that Ruff fell into."

Hercules: [Sighs] "Listen-- when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me this story about a monster, called a basilisk. OK? It's venom-- could turn a man to ashes."

Jason: "Yeah, I heard that too, but's that's just a legend. Nobody's ever actually seen a basilisk."

Hercules: "Oh, yeah? I think maybe we just have."

Iolaus: "OK, now I want you two guys to-- ah-- shake hands, OK? Shake hands? Hey."

Older Boy: "My dog can do that."

Older Boy's Voice: "I bet he's not any smarter than a dog-- is he?"

Iolaus: "I don't know. I haven't asked him."

Older Boy: "My father gave me a dog."

Iolaus's Voice: "Yeah, well, my father gave me a dog, too."

Iolaus: "Well-- he didn't, but he-- he-- said he was going to."

Iolaus's Voice: "I guess he just forgot-- huh."

Man: "What kind 'a stain's that? Oh!"

Woman's: "Oh!"

Man: "Oh! Oh-- ah-ah-ahh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! Whoa!"

Hercules: "That venom only hit that cloak, like a couple minutes ago. Looks like it gets stronger as it gets bigger, or something."

Iolaus: "What are you talkin' about? What venom?"

Hercules: "We think that Ruff is a basilisk."

Iolaus: "A basilisk."

Hercules: "Yes."

Iolaus: "Come on, they don't exist. Ruff's real. He's a-- he's a-- where'd he go?"

Merchant Woman: "Get away from my fruit!" [Screams]

Hercules: "Excuse me-- Miss? There you go."

Merchant Woman: "Why, you-- !"

Hercules: "Uh-- "

Iolaus: "Ruff! Ruff! Where are you?"

Strife: "Hey-- don't be afraid, little basilisk. We're all friends, here. Ha-ha."

Discord: "Boo!"

Hercules: "Over here! Help me with this table!"

Man's Voice: "Water!"

Iolaus: "Oh, there he is. OK, Ruff, it's OK, buddy. No, no, no, no, don't leave! Come here! Uh-- hey, little buddy. It's OK. It's OK. It's-- oh! Oh! Ah-- thanks."

Jason: "My pleasure."

Hercules: "More water!"

Strife: "Why is everybody always in such a hurry?!"

Hercules: "Strife-- I should 'a known you were behind all this!"

Strife: "And, Discord's behind me. Anybody behind you?"

Hercules: "Well, you won't be laughin' when I get through with you."

Strife: "Aah-- n-no-no time for that. You've got bigger fish to fry."

Discord: "And I think I smell them frying right now."

Strife: "Woooh!" [Strife and Dis laugh.]

Strife: "Bang!"

Iolaus: "Oh, he's doing it again. Oh! OK, uh-- you don't-- you don't have to be afraid! A-ha. Maybe, I do."

Jason: "Ah. Uh!"

Hercules: "Hold on. I got a plan. Here we go. Charge!" [Ja, H, and I yell]

Hercules: "Halt! OK. Here it is. Here it is. Ruff? Ruff? Ruff, buddy, this [?] looks good, huh? It looks good. OK, Ruff-- "

Iolaus: "Don't hurt him!"

Hercules's Voice: "It's OK."

Jason: "Get him! Well-- get him lightly!"

Strife: "Whoa-- nice catch, Hercules."

Strife's Voice: "The whole town's a barbecue, and I forget to bring my marshmallows! Guess you weenies'll have to do! Ha-ha!"

All: [Laugh]

Hercules: "All right, Barney [?]."

Strife: "Let's not tell, uh-- Uncle Ares about this, huh? Whaddya say?"

Discord: "Ahhhhhh!"

Jason: "Man, it must really burn Strife to lose to you."

Hercules: "I know. I'n't it great? But he'll be back."

Villagers: "Two. One-- two. One-- two. One-- two. One-- two."

Hercules: "Well-- that's the last 'a the fires!"

All: [Cheer]

Men's Voices: "All right!" "Yeah! Hooray!"

Jason: "Don't worry, good people! The palace will pay to repair the damages!"

Iolaus: "All right!"

Jason: "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to do more than just make repairs. As the Crown Prince, I'm gonna have to make sure this doesn't happen again."

Iolaus: "Uh-- oh, oh, uh, uh-- we could, uh-- train Ruff to-- just spit goo at Strife. You know, you know? Kinda like a-- guard dog. He could-- guard. He could-- be a-- hmm."

Jason: "No."

Iolaus: "I can't keep him, can I?"

Hercules: "I'm sorry."

Jason: "No."

Iolaus: "Uh-- I really don't feel right about leavin' Ruff out here by himself. You know? What if he-- he gets caught by a lion, or-or something?"

Jason: "Yeah, he'd turn the lion into toast."

Hercules: "According to the legend, there's basilisks over this rise."

Iolaus: "Why hasn't anyone ever seen one, before?"

Iolaus: "What if he's all alone? You know? Just a scared little baby. All right-- a-- _loud_, scared little baby."

Hercules: "Doesn't sound like he's gonna be alone."

Iolaus: "Well, I guess he'll be happier with his own kind, huh?"

Hercules's Voice: "Goodbye, Ruff."

Jason's Voice: "Take care of yourself."

Iolaus's Voice: "Goodbye, little guy."

Iolaus: "Now I know how my mother must have felt when I left home."

Jason: "Yeah-- relieved. Ha-ha. Uh."

Hercules: "He'll be all right. You did the right thing."