Cram-Ped Shooting Draft
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Cram-Ped
Written by: Hilary Bader
Directed by: Chris Graves
Shooting draft August 19, 1998 - September 29, 1998
Pacific Island Pictures, LTD, All Rights Reserved © 1998
Cast List
Hercules
Iolaus - (ee-OH-lus)
Jason
Lilith
Cheiron - (KYE-ron)
Fiducius - (fi-DOO-shuss)
Cadet #1: Gregor - (GREG-or)
Cadet #2: Pincus - (PINK-us)
Set List
Interiors:
Cheiron's Academy
- Classroom
- Dining Hall
- Dorm
- Empty Classroom
- Fiducius' Office
- Hallway
Exteriors:
Cheiron's Academy
Cheiron's Academy - Dorm
Vocabulary Pronunciation Guide
Phenom - (FEE-nom)
Caleef - (kuh-LEAF)
Carpathian - (car-pay-thee-en)
Mnuemonocles - (new-MON-oh-klees)
Dyphon - (DIE-fon)
Orestes - (or-ESS-tees)
Antiplees - (ann-tip-pleez)
Antillien - (ann-TILL-ee-en)
Cirilian - (sir-ILL-ee-uh)
Hellesta - (hell-ESS-tuh)
Orenga - (or-ENG-ga)
Mentunis - (men-TOON-is)
Eurupar - (you-REW-par)
Sisythile - (SIS-ee-theel)
Andromeda - (ann-DROM-ed-uh)
Aquila - (AK-wuh-luh)
Auriga - (aw-RYE-guh)
Bootes - (boh-OH-tezz)
Borealis - (BOR-ree-AL-liss)
Camelopardalis - (kuh-mel-oh-PAR-dull-is)
Canes Venatici - (KAY-nez ven-uh-TEE-see)
Sygnus - (SIG-nus)
Delphinus - (dell-FI-nus)
Draco - (DRA-koh)
Pegasus - (PEG-uh-suss)
Polaris - (poh-LAR-riss)
Ursa - (ER-suh)
FADE IN:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - CLASSROOM - END OF THE DAY
CHEIRON is finishing up a lecture. FIDUCIUS watches. HERCULES, IOLAUS, LILITH, and other CADETS lazily listen.
That's all for today. I'm letting you go early --
All right!!!
-- so you can have extra time to study for tomorrow's final exams.
The cadets GROAN nervously as they eye each other.
Fiducius will be proctoring the tests, so I assume you will all be on time.
The cadets GROAN again. Cheiron holds up a stack of TEST SCROLLS, hands them to Fiducius and leaves. A cadet, GREGOR jokingly asks:
Hey, Fiducius. How about letting us have a peek at the tests.
Fiducius hugs the test scrolls tightly to his chest.
If you had been paying attention in class, as I'm sure none of you were, you wouldn't be worried about what's on the test. You'd know it.
It was just a joke, Fiducius.
A joke to you, perhaps. But I've seen how the standards of this school have dropped. Especially with certain...
(stares at Iolaus) ...'marginal' types being allowed in.
Herc notices the dig at Iolaus. Then, Fiducius exits, clinging to his scrolls and MUMBLING.
And you can be sure I'll be locking these up someplace where your sticky fingers can't find them.
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT
A light shines in the dorm window.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - CONTINUOUS
The Cadets are bustling about breaking into study groups. Lilith, JASON and Herc are approached by Gregor.
Jason, we need someone strong in Battle Science for out study group. You in?
Hercules is good in Calculation, and Lilith's a Star Navigation 'phenom.' How 'bout if they join, too?
Iolaus walks up carrying a scroll. Gregor notices.
As long as Iolaus isn't part of the package.
Your loss, not mine. I've got an edge.
(holds up scroll) A whole year's work boiled down to one scroll of notes. One hour with this, and I'm done studying.
Jason takes the scroll from Iolaus and starts to unroll it.
Where'd you get this?
From Caleef, the Carpathian cadet who graduated last year. With Caleef's notes, I'm a shoo-in for highest score.
Well, I hope you read Carpathian.
What?
He grabs the scroll. It's in Carpathian. Oh, no.
Come on, Jason, we can't just leave Iolaus on his own.
I've tried helping him all year. But I need this study time.
As Iolaus walks away, Hercules watches, worried.
Don't worry. Iolaus always finds a way to get by.
That's why I'm worried.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Iolaus walks along, staring at Caleef's scroll, scratching his head, trying to decipher the Carpathian. Not looking where he's going, he trips and falls on his face. He looks up he sees he is in front of Fiducius' office. A mental light bulb goes on!
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - FIDUCIUS' OFFICE - NIGHT
Iolaus sneaks into Fiducius' office. He rifles through drawers, the desk, etc., looking for copies of the test.
Where'd fiddle-face hide those tests?
He moves a framed picture to reveal an archaic safe door with a large LOCK swinging from the hasp. Iolaus takes Fiducius' LUCKY HORESHOE off the wall and shoves it into the lock and tries to pry it open. It pops open EASILY as if it were already broken.
That was easy.
He opens the safe door and pulls out SOME SCROLLS.
These aren't the test scrolls.
Iolaus begins to put the scrolls back when something about one catches his eye. He opens it and starts to read. He sees something that disturbs him.
Don't panic, Iolaus. There's gotta be a way. There's always a way.
He carelessly SHOVES THE SCROLL into the safe and rushes out. A MOMENT. Then Herc sticks his head in looking for Iolaus.
Iolaus?
He notices the scroll sticking out of the safe, takes it and begins to read.
'Order of the Magistrate. Regarding probationary cadet Iolaus. Pursuant to original agreement, cadet will maintain a passing grade each term or be returned to for fulfillment of original sentencing.'
(he translates) If Iolaus doesn't pass, he's going to jail!
OFF Herc's look of total dismay:
FADE OUT.
Act One
FADE IN:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - FIDUCIUS' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Herc has cleaned up the mess Iolaus left: the scrolls are back in the safe. He closes the safe door and replaces the broken lock, then re-hangs the framed picture over the safe. He rushes out. A MOMENT. The Fiducius steps out from behind a book case. He holds the test scrolls in his hands. It is as if he was expecting Iolaus to try just this kind of thing (and he was). He smirks: It should seem as if he is out to GET Iolaus.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - MOS MONTAGE - NIGHT
Iolaus is sitting very still at his desk. On the desk next to his is an open scroll. Iolaus surreptitiously reaches under his desk and slides out a mirror on a swivel. He glances in the mirror and begins adjusting it. He frowns. Then he climbs on top of the desk next to his. Reaching up toward the ceiling with a tall stick, he adjusts another mirror which is hanging -- hidden in the rafters -- right above that desk. He sits down and looks in the mirror under his desk. In the mirror, we see a perfectly reflected image of the scroll on the desk next to his. It has a simple drawing on it. Iolaus smiles, satisfied.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - LATER
Near the water bucket. Iolaus dips a gourd into the bucket and drinks the water, tilting his head back in an exaggerated manner. We see he has inked answers into the gourd and is making sure he can read them.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - LATER - END MOS MONTAGE
Iolaus is writing answers on the inside of a rope. He ties the rope around his waist like a belt.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - NIGHT
Finally, we find Iolaus writing in soap on ceremonial shields on the classroom walls. We don't see anything where he has written, but when he BREATHES on the shield, writing appears: All we see at this point is a diagram of a triangle with THETA and OMEGA written in the angles. (Really, it is okay here to use Theta and Omega because in geometry that's what we use to represent unknown angles. Remember 10th grade? Sin (¿)/Cos (¿)=Tan(¿)) Iolaus stares at his handiwork. Satisfied.
I remember teaching you how to do that when you were seven.
Herc steps up to Iolaus.
But it was to send secret messages -- not so you could do this.
I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just trying to conserve scroll paper. You know how expensive it is.
Did you sleep through ethics class?
I tried.
Iolaus, if Cheiron catches you cheating it's a one way ticket out of the academy! No second chances.
I've already got a one way ticket out of the academy if I don't pass my finals.
Herc holds up the Magistrate's scroll.
I know. I read it.
You should thank me. When I get kicked out of here, I bet Fiducius'll declare a school holiday to celebrate.
Don't even joke about this. Jail is serious.
Iolaus SIGHS. Then Herc and Iolaus begin to remove the mirrors.
I'm not joking. Fiducius has had it out for me since I got here.
You know, if you worked half as hard at studying as you do finding ways not to study, you'd be a top cadet.
Herc holds out his hand. Iolaus removes the cheating belt and hands it to Herc.
I came here to learn how to fight, not how to conjugate.
(conjugating, belittles) 'I fight. You fight. He fights. She fights. They fight. We fought.' Who cares? I say just fight.
Combat training is easy for you.
I'm a natural.
But you don't like to do anything that's too hard for you. Wouldn't want to pull a muscle in your brain.
Wait a second. What are you saying? That I can't study.
Can you?
Iolaus knows he's being played here, but he can't stop himself.
I can study. I can study harder and faster than any of you guys.
Prove it. Meet me in the dining hall. Five minutes.
Where are you going?
To get help.
They won't come.
Herc hurries out. Iolaus SIGHS, and follows after Herc. A MOMENT, then Fiducius enters. He begins "cleaning up" after Iolaus, wiping the shields. Checking everywhere for mirrors or other cheat devices.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - NIGHT
Everyone is studying. Herc enters and talks to the whole room.
Listen up, everyone.
What's going on?
We're forming a special study group to help Iolaus.
Another cadet, PINCUS speaks up:
Who's 'we'?
Everybody.
We'd like to help Iolaus, Hercules. But face it, academics isn't his speed. Did you ever think maybe he just...
...doesn't have what it takes.
Funny, that's what everybody said about you when you couldn't learn how to keep your balance on the vertical logs.
Yeah, but once you showed me that trick you do with your eyes...
(realizing) It's not the same.
Isn't it? When I helped you, you told me if I ever needed something, I should just ask. Well, I'm asking.
Herc turns to all of the sleepy-eyed Cadets.
I'm asking all of you.
Slowly, GRUMBLING, half the Cadets gather up their scrolls and head for the door.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - MOMENTS LATER
Iolaus is pacing. Herc enters with a group of Cadets. Iolaus' face brightens. Herc steps close to him.
See, I told you they'd come. And they're all excited to be here.
(to Cadets) Right?
Low MUMBLE. Non-committal.
Right?
Lot of energetic, but phony, "Yeah. Right. We're with you. Onward and upward. Eureka!" Etc. Iolaus sits. The Cadets for a circle around him.
So, where do we start?
The Cadets look from one to the other. They heave a collective SIGH and open their scrolls.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - LATER
Some Cadets have fallen asleep. Others look haggard. Lilith has an open scroll, testing Iolaus. Iolaus stands reciting:
'Delphinus, Canes Venatici, Aquila, Cygnus...'
That's right. Keep going.
Um... I forgot the rest.
You have to have a system to remember all of them. Like alphabetical order. 'Andromeda, Aquila, Auriga, Bootes.'
No, no, no. There has to be some music to it. And a story.
Gregor begins to SING to the tune of (for now) "Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Carolina." As he sings, the Cadets all stare at him like he's crazy.
'Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, how could anything be fina' with Pol-a-a-a-ris. Pegasus and Draco like to fly across the crown of Bore-a-a-a-lis.
(senses they're staring) What?
You make up a song for everything?
Doesn't everybody?
Pincus jumps to his feet and takes a pose like a BIG BEAR. Everyone stares. He GROWLS. Then he pulls Iolaus on his feet and starts posing him like a modern dance choreographer into the same Big Bear pose he was in.
Here, you're a giant bear. Grrrr. Now say it with me.
(growly voiced) URSA MAJOR!
Grrrr. URSA MAJOR.
(he stops suddenly) This is just too embarrassing.
Hey, we're not the ones who can't remember a simple list.
What about Mnuemonocle's trick? You make a word out of the first letters of the list. Like 'HOMES' for the five battles of the Antillean War.
'Homes'?
Yeah. HELLESTA, ORENGA, MENTUNIS, EURUPAR, SISYTHILE. 'Homes.'
Iolaus explodes.
STOP! Everybody just stops. My brain is going to explode.
Fine, then learn it your own way. If you can figure out what that is before tomorrow morning.
All except Lilith and Herc start to leave.
You agreed to help.
Forget it, Hercules. I don't care how many favors I owe you, you can't make me stay.
You made them come?
'Made' is a little harsh. Influenced?
Fine. Go. I don't need to twist anyone's arm to help me.
Iolaus! We're running out of time here. We have to have a plan.
It's hopeless. Maybe I'm just stupid.
(a moment) This is where you guys jump in with, 'Oh no, Iolaus. You're not stupid.'
(no reaction) You don't think I can do it either, do you?
Hercules and Lilith exchange a look.
I'm doomed.
ON HERCULES pondering to himself. "Maybe Iolaus is doomed."
FADE OUT.
Act Two
FADE IN:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - NIGHT
As before, Lilith, Herc and Iolaus ready to give up. Fiducius, unseen by the gang, is poking his nose in, listening.
Nobody thinks you're stupid, Iolaus. We just don't know what to do next.
Everyone else has given up on me. You two might as well go to bed too.
Suddenly Fiducius enters in his nightshirt, perturbed.
What are you three doing in here at this hour?
He starts to blow out some of the oil lamps.
Tsk, tsk... The place is lit up like Phoebus' chariot. Lamp oil costs dinars, you know.
We were studying for exams.
Waste of time. Waste of oil. Waste of effort.
Herc again notices Fiducius' dig at Iolaus. He doesn't like it. When Fiducius starts to blow out another lamp, Herc stops him.
Wait. We're not finished.
(he looks at them) Are we, guys?
Fiducius' tight wad snootiness has given them renewed energy. They smile at Iolaus.
No. We're not.
Fiducius glowers, HARUMPHS, and exits the room.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - LATER
Lilith and Herc are quizzing Iolaus, who is reading a scroll out loud.
Okay, let's see...
(reads) 'Two chariots leave Rome at sunrise on equinox. One is carrying twenty stone, the other...'
He reads the rest to himself. Thinks. Writes. Hands the answer to Hercules.
Closer than the last time.
But still wrong. I'm not going to make it.
No offense, Iolaus, but I wouldn't bet a Cirilian dinar for your chances.
Cirilia doesn't use dinars, they use a coin called a mentaph.
No they don't.
Iolaus is energized by this little conflict.
Wanna bet?
Iolaus takes a chain from around his neck. A coin hangs from the end like a charm. He shows it to them.
A Cirilian ten mentaph coin. Pay up, Lilith.
She didn't bet anything.
Oh, right.
Let me see that.
They started minting them just before the invasion. Cirilia didn't have any gold so they used copper.
As Lilith looks closely at the coin, Iolaus gets close and points out some images on it.
There's a sheaf of grain representing the lowland farming district, and seven stars for the first seven kings.
Pretty. Where'd you get it?
Iolaus grabs it back and puts it around his neck.
I don't remember.
(a bragging lie) Probably a gift from one of my many female admirers.
Lilith rolls her eyes. Gives him back the scroll.
All right. Let's see where you went wrong. 'Two chariots leave Rome at sunrise on equinox...'
As Lilith and Iolaus bury their heads in the scroll, Herc HEARS:
Psst!
Herc turns and sees Jason waving at him from the doorway. He walks over. Herc and Jason's conversation is all SOTTO.
How's he doing?
Not good. I don't know why some things stick in his brain and others don't.
Has he learned anything?
He can barely add, but for some reason he knows a lot of trivial things about the Kingdom of Cirilia. He's even got a Cirilian coin.
He must have gotten it from his father.
His father?
He's a soldier, remember. He's been fighting a war in Cirilia.
Herc and Jason look over at Lilith and Iolaus -- studying.
Iolaus! What's the snowfall in Cirilia?
No snow. But they have a monsoon season that lasts three months in the summer.
And the language?
A mix. Corrupted Egyptian with some tribal dialects.
Too bad the test isn't on Cirilia.
LIGHT BULB!!! for Iolaus.
It might be.
What?
The last part of the final is the geography exam, right? And it counts for half of your total score.
I know. Cheiron chooses one of the kingdoms we've studied and has us write an essay about it. So what?
Cirilia is one of the kingdoms we've studied.
Iolaus, you may know about things, like population, literature, music?
Population seventy thousand before the war, fifty-five thousand after, including refugees. Zachs the First is the poet laureate, writes mostly poems praising the warriors. Really dry stuff. And the music is all percussion. No strings. No pipes.
Jason, Lilith, and Hercules exchange astonished looks.
No wonder you can't learn anything new, your brain is already filled with everything there is to know about Cirilia.
I'm pretty shaky on the geopolitical stuff. The dates all get blurry. But you can help me if we hurry --
Yeah, but this plan only works if Cheiron chooses Cirilia as the geography question.
Any better ideas?
The guys think, give each other a look:
Let's do it.
They clasp hands. Not far away, just outside an open doorway, hidden Fiducius is watching. Listening. Planning.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - DAWN - MOS
Iolaus sits on the floor, legs crossed, eyes closed -- like a Yogi. Jason, Herc and Lilith, holding scrolls, lean over him and SCREAM like drill sergeants into Iolaus' ears. Sleepy Cadets, just out of bed, wander by, pointing and shrugging...
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - MORNING - MOS
Lilith, Jason, Herc and Iolaus in the dining hall -- comically trying to eat and cram at the same time. Jason is using forks, Danish, plates, etc. to lay out a battle and explain an attack. Iolaus -- hungry -- takes a Danish to eat it. Jason SWATS his hand and puts it back in its place in the battle scene. Other Cadets are starting to get into it. Circling the foursome. CHEERING Iolaus. Patting him on the back.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY -HALLWAY - MORNING
As Iolaus walks toward the class, Jason, Herc, Lilith, and other Cadets quiz Iolaus from scrolls.
Capital?
Come on, these are baby questions...
They approach the classroom door. Everyone leaves their scrolls on a bench and steps into the class. Iolaus stays behind and starts rifling through the scrolls.
Wait. Ask me more. Something really hard. I'm not ready. I'm not--
Hercules stays behind with him.
Come on, Iolaus. You don't want to be late or Fiducius will deduct points. And you can't afford to lose any points.
I'm not going in.
What?
I can't do this. If I fail they'll be coming after me. If I leave now, I'll get a head start.
You run away from your problems now and you'll be running your whole life.
Iolaus nods. Then, steeling himself, Iolaus (and Herc) walk into the test room. Fiducius steps out from behind a door, carrying the test scrolls. He has been watching all this. He looks a bit too self-satisfied. What's he going to do to undermine Iolaus?
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - CLASSROOM - MORNING
Cheiron stands at the front as Fiducius hands out scrolls.
The test will be given in five sections. There will be a break before the fifth and final section -- the geography essay -- which will count for half your grade.
Fiducius is checking the Cadets shoes, sleeves for cheat notes. Wiping their arms with wet towels.
I'm ready whenever you are, Fiducius.
Fiducius stands over Iolaus and scrutinizes him carefully.
You don't know these boys like I do.
Cheiron reacts (raises an eyebrow). Fiducius looks inscrutable.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - HALLWAY - SOME TIME LATER
Herc, Iolaus, Jason, Lilith.
I used Dyphon's poem to help me answer a couple of the living legends questions. But then I just couldn't remember what rhymed with Orestes. I'm failing. I know it.
Well, don't give up yet. You still have geography.
Fiducius steps up.
Break's over. Back to the test room. Quickly.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - CLASSROOM - DAY
Cheiron stands in front of the class. Fiducius next to him. Everyone -- not just our four heroes -- has fingers crossed. They're all pulling for Iolaus.
This year's geography topic --
Ahem!
Fiducius whispers something to Cheiron. Cheiron whispers back. Fiducius just shrugs. Herc takes note.
This year's geography topic: The Kingdom of Cirilia.
A wave of joyful NOISE. Cheiron reacts. What's everyone so happy about Cirilia for? An ecstatic Iolaus throws his quill into the air -- like a midshipman at graduation. Then, ready to go to work, he looks around for it. Fiducius taps him on the shoulder. The Quill is sticking in Fiducius' tea cup like a spoon. Iolaus takes out the pen, wipes off the tea, and throws himself into his work.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DAY
Jason, Lilith, and Herc wait. Iolaus hurries out, ecstatic.
I passed!
You did it!
Yeah! Piece o'cake!
(then realizes) Well, really it was pretty hard. And we did it. You guys... you know.
Nobody wants to acknowledge the thank yous. They just MUMBLE as Gregor walks up. Jason pulls aside Iolaus for a quick moment.
I should have been there for you sooner.
Hey! You were there when it counted. Thanks.
Did you hear? Iolaus is stuck with Fiducius as a tutor for the next three months.
That's right. I'm being rewarded for being the most improved student of the year.
They all look skeptical.
Really. It's an honor, not a punishment.
Jason WHISPERS aside to Hercules.
I wonder if Fiducius feels the same way.
An idea hits Hercules. He frowns, pondering, looking O.S.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - FIDUCIUS' OFFICE - DAY
Fiducius is working at his desk. Hercules enters.
Fiducius, Can I come in?
Make it fast. I'm a busy man.
You told Cheiron to choose Cirilia as the geography topic, didn't you?
And if I did?
Why?
To teach your friend Iolaus a lesson.
Then wouldn't you have wanted him to fail?
If he'd failed all he would have learned was that he should have cheated. But in passing -- barely -- because of the one subject where he truly applied himself, Iolaus learned something different. Not that he should have cheated, but that he should have studied harder.
Fiducius goes back to his work. Herc turns to leave, then pauses, turns back toward Fiducius:
Then you don't have it in for him?
Fiducius, hurt by the insinuation, frowns at Hercules.
Why would anyone think that?
Hercules' stunned expression changes to a smile, then he shakes his head as we:
FADE OUT.
