Ares on Trial Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Teaser

Jason: [Whistles]

Hercules: "Hey, sh! You'll scare the fishes, all right?"

Iolaus: "Hey, uh-- what did you put for number 12?"

Jason: "Pandora's Box."

Iolaus: "Pandora's Box?"

Jason: "Yeah."

Iolaus: "What did _you_ put?"

Hercules: "Pandora's Box-- why? What'd you put?"

Iolaus: "Uh-- I just put-- " [Coughs]

Hercules: "What was that? What'd you put?"

Jason: "What did you say?"

Iolaus: "I said I put, 'False'?"

Hercules: [Laughs]: "It wasn't a 'True or False' question."

Iolaus: "Oh, come on. The instructions were confusing."

Hercules: "Oh."

Jason: "You gotta crack a scroll every now and then if you wanna graduate, my friend."

Iolaus: "Oh, thank you Jason, Mr. 'God of Homework'."

Hercules: "Listen-- next time, we'll study together, all right?"

Jason: "Hmmmmm."

Iolaus: "Whatever."

Ares: "I'm afraid there's not gonna be a next time for you, little brother."

Iolaus: "Ares."

Ares: "Guys-- can we have a little privacy?"

Hercules: "You leave them out of this!"

Ares: "What makes you think you can come-- defile _my_ temple-- and get away with it?! My priest _saw_ you!"

Hercules: "Whoa-- uh-- what?"

Ares: "Wha-wha-what?! You _know_ what I'm talkin' about!"

[Fight]

Hercules: "No-- actually-- I _don't_ know what you're talkin' about. Oh-- oh-- what you gonna do now?!"

Ares: [Laughs]

Hercules: [Laughs] "It was, uh-- whoa! Yah!" [Coughs]

Iolaus: "Hercules!"

Jason: "Let's get him!"

Ares: "Now, I guess we find out if blood really is thicker than water."

Act One

Ares: "I letcha live too long. You've gotten cocky."

Hercules: "Wow, you need help! Why can't you just leave me alone?!"

Ares: "I don't like you."

Hercules: [Yells]

Ares: Hey-- "

Hercules: "Listen-- I've never even _been_ to your temple, all right?"

Ares: "Liar! Ow! Ow! [Laughs] Whoo! Whoo-hoo! You know?! I never really _cared_ for large families! Good night, Johnboy!"

Hercules: [Yells]

Ares: "You're too slow, little brother! You really are at that awkward age-- and I'm afraid you're _never_ gonna grow out of it!" [Laughs]

Jason: "The boat!"

Hercules: "Hercules? Wait, wait, wait! I can't swim!"

Jason: "What?!"

Iolaus: "Remember last time you threw me in?! I ca-I can't swim!"

Jason: "All right-- just be ready to help when I pull him out. Hercules!"

Iolaus: "Come on, Jason."

Jason: "I can't see him! It's too deep!

Iolaus: "Keep looking for him, Jason!"

Jason: "Hercules! Hercules!"

Hercules: "Huh? Huh? Wha? Huh? Am I dead? No. OK. Olympus-- how'd I get here? Apollo. Athena? Hephaestus? Hey. "

Hephaestus: [Laughs] "Yo, Bro!" [Laughs]

Ares: "Brothers-- Sister-- to what do I owe the honor-- of being invited here, today?"

Athena: "You stand accused of the attempted murder-- in full defiance of Zeus' protective order-- of your brother-- Hercules."

Ares: "_Half_-brother-- if you don't mind."

Apollo: "Whatever-- the point is, you tried to kill him."

Ares: "If I _tried_ to kill him-- he'd be dead right now."

Athena: "I suggest you take these charges a little more seriously. If this tribunal finds you guilty-- you'll spend an eternity of unimaginable torment-- "

Hercules: [Whispers] "Stop it!"

Athena: "-- in the fiery depths of Tartarus-- that is reserved for fallen gods."

Hercules: [Laughs] "Well."

Ares: "Sister, I'm sure you would love _any_ excuse to put me away for an eternity. But don't you think Zeus has gone a bit far this time, protecting his little boy? I mean, prosecuting the god of war for attacking somebody-- it's what I do."

Apollo: "Oh, so let me get this straight. When you maim, kill, and pillage-- on, it's strictly business, right?"

Ares: "I love my job. So, sue me."

Athena: "I grant you your role in the universe, Ares-- but even you can go too far-- and this time-- you did."

Ares: "Excuse me-- did I miss something here? Or have we forgotten some-- tiny detail like-- oh, I don't know-- a trial?"

Athena: [Clears throat]

Hephaestus: "Oh-- right, yeah-- sorry. [Clears throat] Um-- uh-- right. Uh-- 'As an O-- ' what's that? Oh, 'Olympian god-- you will receive a fair herring [sic], and-- in accordance with the law, you are allowed to choose your own-- d-- ' whats-- ? Oh, '-- defender.'" [Laughs]

Athena: "Counsel for the defense-- please rise. I said, 'Rise!'"

Hercules: "Me?"

Iolaus: "Cowards! Come on and fight me! You call yourself gods! You sneak up-- and attack people without warning! You're not gods! You're just a bunch of stinkin' cowards!"

Jason: "Iolaus."

Iolaus: "Leave me alone, Jas."

Jason: "Hey, it's not your fault. It's not our fault. Ares-- is a god. There's nothin' we coulda done."

Iolaus: "All I know is my friend needed me-- and I was no help. And now he's gone."

Apollo: "Hello-- we're waiting."

Ares: "May I have a word with my counsel?"

Athena: "Please do."

Hercules: "Hi. Hi. Huh? Huh?"

Ares: "You're not starting off too well, little brother."

Hercules: "Let me get this straight, OK? You chose me to represent you on charges 'a you-- tryin' to kill me."

Ares: "The irony of it appealed to me. Besides, you're such a goody-good-- I know you're gonna do your best."

Hercules: "I got a question. Am I allowed to refuse to serve as Ares's defender?"

Hephaestus: "Oh, uh-- right, uh [Clears throat]-- OK, uh-- ah-- 'If-- s-- s-- s-- ' oh, '-- selected-- as a defender by an accused god in a godly tri-- tri-- ' oh, '-- tribunal-- ' uh, '-- the chosen one must serve or else share the sentence, if the accused is found g-- g-- gwilty [sic].'"

Hercules: [Sighs] "Well-- I accept, then."

Apollo: "Good choice."

Hercules: "This is ridiculous-- OK? I-- I know you're guilty. I was there."

Ares: "Well, I wasn't."

Hercules: "What are you talkin' about?"

Ares: "I didn't-- I did not try to kill you, OK? I mean, I'd love to, right here, right now-- but I'm no fool. You're under Zeus's protection-- and I do not intend to spend the rest of eternity in Tartarus, being gnawed on by some idiotic monster. You got that, Mister?"

Hercules: "I got it."

Athena: "Counsel for the defense-- how do you plead?"

Hercules: "Not guilty."

Act Two

Hercules: "Uh-- so-- y-you weren't there. OK, but-- you're gonna need an alibi, and you're gonna need a witness to back it up."

Ares: "Strife and Discord-- I was with them, today. It's perfect."

Hercules: "Ooh, I-I-- I don't know. A-are you sure you can trust 'em?"

Ares: "It's not a matter of trust-- they're scared of me."

Hercules: "Uh-- "

Ares: "Just do it-- Counselor."

Hercules: "OK. I call Discord."

Discord: "Hmm."

Strife: "Meow."

Hercules: "Hi. [Chuckles] Oh, um-- where were you on the day in question?"

Discord: "You mean, today."

Hercules: "Yes, today."

Discord: "I was with Ares-- at his place."

Hercules: "Oh-- all day?"

Discord: "Pretty much."

Hercules: "OK. And, uh-uh, at any point in your day, did you hear Ares, you know, sort of talk about-- trying to-- kill me?"

Discord: "Sure-- he talks about it constantly. It's his favorite topic. Well, you _know_ it's true!"

Ares: "Eh."

Hercules: "Oh-- so, what you're tryin' to say is that it's-it's not unusual to, um-- to, uh-- hear Ares-- talk about-- tryin' to kill me?"

Discord: "Not at all-- of course-- today _was_ a little different."

Hercules: "Really. Wh-why is that?"

Discord: "Because today-- he actually _did_ try to kill you."

Ares: "She's lying!"

Athena: "Ares-- calm down!"

Cheiron: "Iolaus-- where you going?"

Iolaus: "I don't know. I can't stay here."

Cheiron: "Don't you think Hercules would want you to stay?"

Iolaus: "Every day would be a reminder I lost a friend."

Cheiron: "You know? It's said-- that, uh-- a friend is never really lost-- if you remain true to the dreams you shared."

Athena: "Quiet in the court!"

Hercules: "Let me get this straight-- you're saying that, um-- you were actually a witness to Ares trying to kill me."

Discord: "Yes-- I was."

Hercules: "How come I didn't see you there?"

Discord: "Well, I wasn't _there_ there-- but I was watching, you know? The way _real_ gods can do?"

Hercules: "Well, uh-- would you do me a favor? Just explain how Ares tried to kill me. You know? I mean-- what'd he do? Come on."

Discord: "Well first, he hit you. Then he smashed up your little boat-- did a real number on your friends. And you put up a pretty good fight."

Hercules: "You know, uh? You two really shoulda got your stories straight. That's all I'm saying."

Ares: "Shh. She's lying-- don't listen to her."

Discord: "Hmmmm."

Hercules: "Just one more question-- so-- if Ares is found guilty and he's sent to Tartarus, then-- who do you work for? Who? Um-- Strife?"

Discord: "Excuse me?"

Hercules: "Well-- I mean-- that's the way it works, isn't it? I mean, Strife's the next in line. I mean, Ares goes out and, Strife comes in, and he's the god of war, right?"

Discord: "That little twerp?! God of war?!"

Hercules: "Oh-- well, uh-- I mean-- who else would it be? I-it's-- Ooh!"

Discord: "We're not talking god here, pal. We're talking _goddess_. Got it?!"

Hercules: "Yeah-- no further questions. Chk-chk."

Discord: "Hmm."

Ares: "Riiiiiight-- so, you think-- "

Hercules: "Hey, sh. I'm thinkin' here, all right?"

Hercules's Voice: "All right. The defense calls Strife."

Ares: "Don't betray me."

Hercules: "Strife-- "

Strife: "That's my name. Don't wear it out." [Laughs]

Hercules: "Were you with Ares, today?"

Strife: "Yep!"

Hercules: "Did you witness the attack on me?"

Hephaestus: "Cuckoo."

Strife: "You could put it that way. Hmm. Ooh, Athena."

Hercules: "Was it Ares who attacked me?"

Strife: "Well, it sure looked like him."

Ares: "You backstabbing, sniveling worm!"

Athena: "Ares-- calm down! I'll _not_ warn you again!"

Hercules: "Let me ask you a question. Um-- was there sum'in'-- different about Ares today? You know, I mean-- the way he attacked me?"

Strife: "Different? Well, what do you mean?"

Hercules: "I don know. Like he wasn't himself. You know, he kind of had like, a-- slow reaction time? He was a little clumsy? A little confused? A little-- weak? Did you get that impression?"

Strife: "Nah-- he looked good to me. [Laughs] He's the champ."

Hercules: "I don't know. I got the drop on him like two or three times. There was this one time-- I really flattened him. I swear-- I saw him cry. [Gods laugh] Come on, Strife. You wanna know what I think? I'm not convinced that Ares even shattered that boat-- hmm? I think that the wood was rotten-- the big old crybaby just walked in there, tripped over his own feet, and I think-- !"

Strife: "No way! I laid you out! I brought you down! And I-- ! Don't look at me! [Crying] Sh-she made me do it!"

Hercules: "I rest my case."

Hephaestus: "Do you want me to, uh-- forge some more chains?"

Athena: "Two sets."

Hephaestus: "OK."

Strife: [Crying] "I'm sorry."

Athena: "Ares-- it is the decision of this tribunal-- that all charges against you be dropped."

Ares: "Yes!"

Athena: "Strife and Discord-- for conspiring to murder a protected mortal-- and for impersonating a god-- we sentence you to eternity in the depths of Tartarus."

Strife: "Oh, Man"

Ares: "May I-- ask a favor of the court?"

Athena: "Hmm?"

Ares: "Turn 'em over to me."

Discord: "That's OK-- really."

Strife: "Tartarus is, uh-- fine."

Athena: "Very well. Court is now adjourned."

Apollo: "Bye-bye, guys. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- let's go catch some rays."

Ares: "Ha-ha! You realize, this changes nothing-- between us."

Hercules: "Yeah? You're welcome."

Jason: "I hear you're staying with us."

Iolaus: "Yeah-- I just think it's what Hercules would have wanted, you know?"

Jason: "Could be. Why don't you ask him, yourself?"

Iolaus: "Hercules? Herc?! Uh-- "

Hercules: "Uh-- hey. Well-- I guess I was gone longer than I thought, huh?"

Iolaus: "Where have you been?"

Hercules: "Oh, well-- kind of hard to explain, really."

Iolaus: "Oh. OK. Well-- just don't go vanishing on us again, OK?"

Hercules: "Yeah, all right-- I'll try not to."

Jason: "Welcome back, Hercules."

Hercules: "Thanks, Jason. Yeah."

Iolaus: "Uh-- "

Hercules: "Yeah."

Iolaus: "Um--"

Hercules: "Uh-- all right. You weren't-- worried-- about me, right?"

Iolaus: "I knew you were comin' back."