A Serpent's Tooth Transcript (Novelization)
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[TEASER]
1st Man’s Voice: “This cow belongs to me, Prince Jason!”
2nd Man Voice: “He’s lying, my prince! I raised this cow from a tiny calf with my two hands! You have no idea the amount of time and money-- !”
Aide: “I believe you already told that story.”
Ja: “Yeah, like twice.”
I: “Uh, sorry. Don’t let us interrupt you.”
H: “Yeah. My point though, huh?”
Aide: “This is the throne room-- not some common courtyard! Leave now!”
Ja: “Look-- I don’t know who’s cow it is!”
Aide: “Prince Jason-- when you become ruler, you must appear to know-- everything.”
Ja: “All right. You get the cow. I’ll give _you_ one-- from the royal herd-- a royal cow. Everybody’s happy. Everybody has a cow. Moo, moo, moo. See ya later.”
Aide: “There is-- one more petitioner.”
Ja [Sighs]: “Aw, come one-- you said that three petitioners ago. Can I go, now? I just wanna play! Hi!”
Discord-in-disguise [Dis-in-disguise]: “The Babylonian Sibyl wishes to present to the crown prince this-- sacred stone-- in honor-- of his coming coronation.”
Ja: “You know what they say? Never quibble with a Sibyl.”
Aide: [Chuckles]
Dis-in-disguise: “The Sibyl says the stone will bring good fortune to the ruler who possesses it.”
Ja: “Oh! Well, on behalf of the people of Corinth-- we thank the Sibyl.”
Dis-in-disguise: “The sibyl says, ‘You’re welcome.’”
Ja: “Jason says, ‘My pleasure. Be good. [Chuckles] See ya.’”
Aide: “Well done, your Highness.”
Ja: “Huh? [Mouths] Yeah.”
Dis-in-disguise: “Hmm-- I’m glad that didn’t take long.”
Strife [Clears throat]: “It didn’t-- did it? [Laughing] I got all dressed up!”
Dis-in-disguise: “Chin up, Strife. Just think how impressed Ares will be-- when we’ve destroyed Corinth.” [They laugh]
Ja: “Yo-- if anybody else needs me-- forget it-- ‘cause I’m gonna go outside and _play_.”
H: “But-- where’s the-- ball? No-- ‘cause somebody fell on it.”
I: “I was push”
Ja: “Ah-- how’d that happpen?”
I: “Hey, what’s this? Looks like a rock.”
Ja: “Yeah, it’s a-- Babylonian rock.”
H: “I wish I was a prince, huh? Nobody ever gives me rocks.”
I: “Yeah-- you know? It’s not so heavy. Maybe, uh-- maybe it bounces.”
Ja: “Uhhh-- don’t-- don’t do that.”
I: “Oh, yeah. Ha-ha-ha! Whaddya think? Huh? Huh-h-h? Football game? All right!”
H: “Sh, sh, sh-- no talky, talky; no talky, talky. Just play, _play_.”
I: “Come here. Ooh-oh! Ooh! Uhh! Oh! Huh.”
[Birth of a basilisk]
[ACT I]
H: “What is that thing?!”
Ja: “It was a gift from the Babylonian Sibyl until-- somebody broke it.”
I: “Do you know where she got it? Maybe we can, uh-- take it back and exchange it. I guess he was, uh-- hungry-- huh?”
H: “No, don’t.”
Ja: “Stick your arm in his mouth. See if he likes meat.”
H: “No-- hey, don’t. He’s joking.”
I: “Uh-- I think he’s kinda cute. [Chuckles] Don’t be afraid, little guy. I’m, uh-- just gonna, uh-- hey, you, uh-- you want some, uh-- you want some grapes? Whoa, whoa! Huh? Hey, I think he likes me. He must think I’m his mother, or something.”
H: “You know what? You probably look like her.”
I: “Oh.”
Ja: “Oh.”
H: “Oh.”
I: “I gotta call you something. How about-- how about Ruff? OK, so, uh-- hi, Ruff. [Chuckles] Uh-- my name’s Iolaus. Do you, uh-- do you wanna be my friend?”
Ja: “Motherhood is such a-- beautiful thing.”
H: “Oh, it brings tears to your eyes, doesn’t it?”
I: “No harm done. I’ll just, uh-- just, uh-- clean it up. Oh! No! Hey! Where’s he going?!”
Strife: “How long does it take-- for a-- _basilisk_ to-- hatch, or-- [Chuckling] whatever?” [Screams]
Dis-in-disguise: “Not long, apparently.”
Strife: “That basilisk sure is a squirmy little thing, isn’t it?”
Dis-in-disguese: “Hercules is coming.”
I: “Ruff! He musta gone this way.”
I: “Ruff! Ruff!”
Ja: “Ha-ha. Iolaus, you sound like a dog.”
H: “Hey, you know what? He’s probably lookin’ for food.”
I: “Yeah-- at the market!”
H: “The market-- good.”
Ja: “Hey, Hercules-- explain to me-- why are we chasin’ after this Ruff?”
H: “Uh, well-- ”
Woman’s Voice: [Screams]
H: “Don’t you throw that spear!”
Ja: “I’m Prince Jason of Corinth, and that creature belongs to me.”
Bearded Man: “Yeah?! Well, we’re not _from_ Corinth-- and the food that thing’s eatin’ belongs to us.”
Ja: “Aw-- well, you’re probably not hungry now, anyway. Nice kick.”
H: “Thanks. You OK? I’m on your side.”
[Fight]
Ja: “Thanks!”
H: “Hey-- any time. Hey-- where’s Ruff?”
Ja: “Huh?”
I: “Hang on, Ruff! I’m coming! Hey! Hey! Back off! Leave him alone! Back off! Leave him alone! Leave him alone! You OK? Yeah? OK, now he may _look_ like a monster-- OK, and he _is_-- but-- he’s just a _baby_-- OK?! He’s harmless! disgusting, but-- harmless.”
Man’s Voice: “It’s a freak!”
H: “Uh-- excuse me.”
Ja: “Excuse me.”
I: “Hang on, buddy, I’m comin’ to getcha!”
H: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, whaddya think you’re doin’?! You know you can’t s swim!”
I: “Well-- ”
H: “I don’t wanna have to save the both ’a ya.”
I: “Well, go!”
Ja: “Be careful!”
I: “Can you see him?!”
H’s Voice: “I got him!”
Ja: “He’s got him. He’s got him!”
I: “Is he OK?!”
H’s Voice: “I can’t tell! Pull up. Pull up! Pull me up!”
I: “Oh, man.”
H: “Listen-- I don’t think he’s breathin’.”
I: “Uh-- well, we gotta _revive_ him! Someone’s gotta-- someone’s gotta blow air into his mouth.”
Ja: “All right, well, uh-- well, you’re his mother. Y-you do it.”
I: “Yeah. Uh-- uh-- hmm-- hell-- uh [Coughs]-- uh-- I think there’s-- something blocking the entrance. There’s something in his throat.”
H: “Uh-- hold on. Lemme try something. Come here. Come on up. Easy. Easy. OK-- here we go. There’s a bunch ’a loose rocks down there. Maybe he swallowed one, you know? OK-- here we go.”
I: “Come on.”
Ja: “Popped right out!”
H: “Ah, are you all right?! Don’t ever do that again!”
I: “Aw, man.”
H: “Hey, Iolaus.”
Dis: “Mmmmm.”
Strife: “Um-- is that the sound of a crowd fleeing in terror as Corinth is destroyed? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Uh-- no! [Buzzing Sound] It’s the sound of the crowd cheering for _Hercules_ and his pals and their little pet! Nah! Uncle Ares is gonna be _so-o-o-o_ impressed. He-he-he-- he’s just gonna go all-- warm and fuzzy, inside. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-- ”
Dis [Interrupting]: “Oh-- go soak your head!”
Strife [Interrupting]: [Scream]
Dis: “I try so hard to teach him to be patient. The basilisk is still a baby! It takes time for his venom to take effect!”
Dis: “The fun’s started.” [They laugh]
Strife: “Like it.”
[ACT II]
I’s Voice: “Hey, uh, now that the fire’s out, you guys wanna see what I taught Ruff? Huh?”
I: “OK, Ruff-- ready? Wanna fetch? Yeah? Hoo! Ah. Go! Awww. Thank you.”
Aide: “The captain of the guard-- reports that no one was seen setting the fires.”
H: “Some people can only be seen when they wanna be seen-- you know what I mean?”
I: “Fetch! Ooh!”
Ja: “Maybe it was one of the gods.”
Aide: “The people are worried, Prince Jason. I suggest you make a speech, encouraging them. Now-- this is a standardm reassuring speech, suitable for any calamity.”
I: “Oh. Oh. Ruff?”
Aide: “Perhaps you could devote more attention to your duties if you put that _thing_ outside!”
I: “Hey! His name is Ruff, and he’s not a thing! He’s a-- he-- he’s a-- ”
Aide: “-- pain-- in the neck! Oh! Oh! No! Oh! Yuck!”
I [Interrupting]: “Oh, Ruff-- no. Hey, now, calm down, calm down. It’s OK. He only does that when he feels threatened. I’ll get it _cleaned_ for you.”
Ja: “Hey, well, listen, you’re gonna have to send it out-- ‘cause the palace laundry burned in the fires.”
I: “Well, I’m takin’ Ruff with me. “Let’s roll.”
H: “Jason-- you know that towel that Iolaus used to wipe off that goop that Ruff spit on him?”
I: “Come on, buddy.”
H: “That was in the laundry that caught on fire, wasn’t it?”
Ja: “Yeah, I think so.”
H: “And that inn that burnt down, was that the one we had to rescue Ruff from?”
Ja: “Yeah, and there was a fire-- near the well that Ruff fell into.”
H [Sighs]: “Listen-- when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me this story about a monster, called a basilisk. OK? It’s venom-- could turn a man to ashes.”
Ja: “Yeah, I heard that too, but’s that’s just a legend. Nobody’s ever actually seen a basilisk.”
H: “Oh, yeah? I think maybe we just have.”
I: “OK, now I want you two guys to-- ah-- shake hands, OK? Shake hands? Hey.”
Older Boy: “My dog can do that.”
Older Boy’s Voice: “I bet he’s not any smarter than a dog-- is he?”
I: “I don’t know. I haven’t asked him.”
Older Boy: “My father gave me a dog.”
I’s Voice: “Yeah, well, my father gave me a dog, too.”
I: “Well-- he didn’t, but he-- he-- said he was going to.”
I’s Voice: “I guess he just forgot-- huh.”
Man: “What kind ’a stain’s that? Oh!”
Woman’s: “Oh!”
Man: “Oh! Oh-- ah-ah-ahh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! Whoa!”
H: “That venom only hit that cloak, like a couple minutes ago. Looks like it gets stronger as it gets bigger, or something.”
I: “What are you talkin’ about? What venom?”
H: “We think that Ruff is a basilisk.”
I: “A basilisk.”
H: “Yes.”
I: “Come on, they don’t exist. Ruff’s real. He’s a-- he’s a-- where’d he go?”
Merchant Woman: “Get away from my fruit!” [Screams]
H: “Excuse me-- Miss? There you go.”
Merchant Woman: “Why, you-- !”
H: “Uh-- ”
I: “Ruff! Ruff! Where are you?”
Strife: “Hey-- don’t be afraid, little basilisk. We’re all friends, here. Ha-ha.”
Dis: “Boo!”
H: “Over here! Help me with this table!”
Man’s Voice: “Water!”
I: “Oh, there he is. OK, Ruff, it’s OK, buddy. No, no, no, no, don’t leave! Come here! Uh-- hey, little buddy. It’s OK. It’s OK. It’s-- oh! Oh! Ah-- thanks.”
Ja: “My pleasure.”
H: “More water!”
Strife: “Why is everybody always in such a hurry?!”
H: “Strife-- I should ’a known you were behind all this!”
Strife: “And, Discord’s behind me. Anybody behind you?”
H: “Well, you won’t be laughin’ when I get through with you.”
Strife: “Aah-- n-no-no time for that. You’ve got bigger fish to fry.”
Dis: “And I think I smell them frying right now.”
Strife: “Woooh!” [Strife and Dis laugh.]
Strife: “Bang!”
I: “Oh, he’s doing it again. Oh! OK, uh-- you don’t-- you don’t have to be afraid! A-ha. Maybe, I do.”
Ja: “Ah. Uh!”
H: “Hold on. I got a plan. Here we go. Charge!” [Ja, H, and I yell]
H: “Halt! OK. Here it is. Here it is. Ruff? Ruff? Ruff, buddy, this [?] looks good, huh? It looks good. OK, Ruff-- ”
I: “Don’t hurt him!”
H’s Voice: “It’s OK.”
Ja: “Get him! Well-- get him lightly!”
Strife: “Whoa-- nice catch, Hercules.”
Strife’s Voice: “The whole town’s a barbecue, and I forget to bring my marshmallows! Guess you weenies’ll have to do! Ha-ha!”
All: [Laugh]
H: “All right, Barney [?].”
Strife: “Let’s not tell, uh-- Uncle Ares about this, huh? Whaddya say?”
Dis: “Ahhhhhh!”
Ja: “Man, it must really burn Strife to lose to you.”
H: “I know. I’n’t it great? But he’ll be back.”
Villagers: “Two. One-- two. One-- two. One-- two. One-- two.”
H: “Well-- that’s the last ’a the fires!”
All: [Cheer]
Men’s Voices: “All right!” “Yeah! Hooray!”
Ja: “Don’t worry, good people! The palace will pay to repair the damages!”
I: “All right!”
Ja: “I’m afraid I’m gonna have to do more than just make repairs. As the Crown Prince, I’m gonna have to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”
I: “Uh-- oh, oh, uh, uh-- we could, uh-- train Ruff to-- just spit goo at Strife. You know, you know? Kinda like a-- guard dog. He could-- guard. He could-- be a-- hmm.”
Ja: “No.”
I: “I can’t keep him, can I?”
H: “I’m sorry.”
Ja: “No.”
I: “Uh-- I really don’t feel right about leavin’ Ruff out here by himself. You know? What if he-- he gets caught by a lion, or-or something?”
Ja: “Yeah, he’d turn the lion into toast.”
H: “According to the legend, there’s basilisks over this rise.”
I: “Why hasn’t anyone ever seen one, before?”
I: “What if he’s all alone? You know? Just a scared little baby. All right-- a-- _loud_, scared little baby.”
H: “Doesn’t sound like he’s gonna be alone.”
I: “Well, I guess he’ll be happier with his own kind, huh?”
H’s Voice: “Goodbye, Ruff.”
Ja’s Voice: “Take care of yourself.”
I’s Voice: “Goodbye, little guy.”
I: “Now I know how my mother must have felt when I left home.”
Ja: “Yeah-- relieved. Ha-ha. Uh.”
H: “He’ll be all right. You did the right thing.”
