Cram-Ped Shooting Draft
Cram-Ped
Written by: Hilary Bader
Directed by: Chris Graves
Shooting draft August 19, 1998 - September 29, 1998
Pacific Island Pictures, LTD, All Rights Reserved © 1998
Cast List
Hercules
Iolaus - (ee-OH-lus)
Jason
Lilith
Cheiron - (KYE-ron)
Fiducius - (fi-DOO-shuss)
Cadet #1: Gregor - (GREG-or)
Cadet #2: Pincus - (PINK-us)
Set List
Interiors:
Cheiron's Academy
- Classroom
- Dining Hall
- Dorm
- Empty Classroom
- Fiducius' Office
- Hallway
Exteriors:
Cheiron's Academy
Cheiron's Academy - Dorm
Vocabulary Pronunciation Guide
Phenom - (FEE-nom)
Caleef - (kuh-LEAF)
Carpathian - (car-pay-thee-en)
Mnuemonocles - (new-MON-oh-klees)
Dyphon - (DIE-fon)
Orestes - (or-ESS-tees)
Antiplees - (ann-tip-pleez)
Antillien - (ann-TILL-ee-en)
Cirilian - (sir-ILL-ee-uh)
Hellesta - (hell-ESS-tuh)
Orenga - (or-ENG-ga)
Mentunis - (men-TOON-is)
Eurupar - (you-REW-par)
Sisythile - (SIS-ee-theel)
Andromeda - (ann-DROM-ed-uh)
Aquila - (AK-wuh-luh)
Auriga - (aw-RYE-guh)
Bootes - (boh-OH-tezz)
Borealis - (BOR-ree-AL-liss)
Camelopardalis - (kuh-mel-oh-PAR-dull-is)
Canes Venatici - (KAY-nez ven-uh-TEE-see)
Sygnus - (SIG-nus)
Delphinus - (dell-FI-nus)
Draco - (DRA-koh)
Pegasus - (PEG-uh-suss)
Polaris - (poh-LAR-riss)
Ursa - (ER-suh)
FADE IN:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - CLASSROOM - END OF THE DAY
CHEIRON is finishing up a lecture. FIDUCIUS watches. HERCULES, IOLAUS, LILITH, and other CADETS lazily listen.
That's all for today. I'm letting you go early --
All right!!!
-- so you can have extra time to study for tomorrow's final exams.
The cadets GROAN nervously as they eye each other.
Fiducius will be proctoring the tests, so I assume you will all be on time.
The cadets GROAN again. Cheiron holds up a stack of TEST SCROLLS, hands them to Fiducius and leaves. A cadet, GREGOR jokingly asks:
Hey, Fiducius. How about letting us have a peek at the tests.
Fiducius hugs the test scrolls tightly to his chest.
If you had been paying attention in class, as I'm sure none of you were, you wouldn't be worried about what's on the test. You'd know it.
It was just a joke, Fiducius.
A joke to you, perhaps. But I've seen how the standards of this school have dropped. Especially with certian...
(stares at Iolaus) ...'marginal' types being allowed in.
Herc notices the dig at Iolaus. Then, Fiducius exits, clinging to his scrolls and MUMBLING.
And you can be sure I'll be locking these up someplace where your sticky fingers can't find them.
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT
A light shines in the dorm window.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - CONTINUOUS
The Cadets are bustling about breaking into study groups. Lilith, JASON and Herc are approached by Gregor.
Jason, we need someone strong in Battle Science for out study group. You in?
Hercules is good in Calculation, and Lilith's a Star Navigation 'phenom.' How 'bout if they join, too?
Iolaus walks up carrying a scroll. Gregor notices.
As long as Iolaus isn't part of the package.
Your loss, not mine. I've got an edge.
(holds up scroll) A whole year's work boiled down to one scroll of notes. One hour with this, and I'm done studying.
Jason takes the scroll from Iolaus and starts to unroll it.
Where'd you get this?
From Caleef, the Carpathian cadet who graduated last year. With Caleef's notes, I'm a shoo-in for highest score.
Well, I hope you read Carpathian.
What?
He grabs the scroll. It's in Carpathian. Oh, no.
Come on, Jason, we can't just leave Iolaus on his own.
I've tried helping him all year. But I need this study time.
As Iolaus walks away, Hercules watches, worried.
Don't worry. Iolaus always finds a way to get by.
That's why I'm worried.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Iolaus walks along, staring at Caleef's scroll, scratching his head, tryign to decipher the Carpathian. Not looking where he's going, he trips and falls on his face. He looks up he sees he is in front of Fiducius' office. A mental light bulb goes on!
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - FIDUCIUS' OFFICE - NIGHT
Iolaus sneaks into Fiducius' office. He rifles through drawers, the desk, etc., looking for copies of the test.
Where'd fiddle-face hide those tests?
He moves a framed picture to reveal an archaic safe door with a large LOCK swinging from the hasp. Iolaus thakes Fiducius' LUCKY HORESHOE off the wall and shoves it into the lock and tries to pry it open. It pops open EASILY as if it were already broken.
That was easy.
He opens the safe door and pulls out SOME SCROLLS.
These aren't the test scrolls.
Iolaus begins to put the scrolls back when something about one catches his eye. He opens it and starts to read. he sees something that disturbs him.
Don't panic, Iolaus. There's gotta be a way. There's always a way.
He carelessly SHOVES THE SCROLL into the safe and rushes out. A MOMENT. Then Herc sticks his head in looking for Iolaus.
Iolaus?
He notices the scroll sticking out of the safe, takes it and begins to read.
'Order of the Magistrate. Regarding probationary cadet Iolaus. Pursuant to original agreement, cadet will maintain a passing grade each term or be returned to for fulfillment of original sentencing.'
(he translates) If Iolaus doesn't pass, he's going to jail!
OFF Herc's look of total dismay:
FADE OUT.
Act One
FADE IN:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - FIDUCIUS' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Herc has cleaned up the mess Iolaus left: the scrolls are back in the safe. He closes the safe door and replaces the broken lock, then re-hangs the framed icture over the safe. He rushes out. A MOMENT. The Fiducius steps out from behind a book case. He holds the test scrolls in his hands. It is as if he was expecting Iolaus to try just this kind of thing (and he was). He smirks: It should seem as if he is out to GET Iolaus.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - MOS MONTAGE - NIGHT
Iolaus is sitting very still at his desk. On the desk next to his is an open scroll. Iolaus surreptitiously reaches under his desk and slides out a mirror on a swivel. He glances in the mirror and begins adjusting it. He frowns. Then he climbs on top of the desk next to his. Reaching up toward the ceiling with a tall stick, he adjusts another mirror which is hanging -- hidden in the rafters -- right above that desk. He sits down and looks in the mirror under his desk. In the mirror, we see a perfectly reflected image of the scroll on the desk next to his. It has a simple drawing on it. Iolaus smiles, satisfied.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - LATER
Near the water bucket. Iolaus dips a gourd into the bucket and drinks the water, tilting his head back in an exaggerated manner. We see he has inked answers into the gourd and is making sure he can read them.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - LATER - END MOS MONTAGE
Iolaus is writing answers on the inside of a rope. He ties the rope around his waist like a belt.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - NIGHT
Finally, we find Iolaus writing in soap on ceremonial shields on the classroom walls. We don't see anything where he has written, but when he BREATHES on the shield, writing appears: All we see at this point is a diagram of a triangle with THETA and OMEGA written in the angles. (Really, it is okay here to use Theta and Omega because in geometry that's what we use to represent unknown angles. Remember 10th grade? Sin (¿)/Cos (¿)=Tan(¿)) Iolaus stares at his handiwork. Satisfied.
I remember teaching you how to do that when you were seven.
Herc steps up to Iolaus.
But it was to send secret messages -- not so you could do this.
I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just trying to conserve scroll paper. You know how expensive it is.
Did you sleep through ethics class?
I tried.
Iolaus, if Cheiron catches you cheating it's a one way ticket out of the academy! No second chances.
I've already got a one way ticket out of the academy if I don't pass my finals.
Herc holds up the Magistrate's scroll.
I know. I read it.
You should thank me. When I get kicked out of here, I bet Fiducius'll declare a school holiday to celebrate.
Don't even joke about this. Jail is serious.
Iolaus SIGHS. Then Herc and Iolaus begin to remove the mirrors.
I'm not joking. Fiducius has had it out for me since I got here.
You know, if you worked half as hard at studying as you do finding ways not to study, you'd be a top cadet.
Herc holds out his hand. Iolaus removes the cheating belt and hands it to Herc.
I came here to learn how to fight, not how to conjugate.
(conjugating, belittles) 'I fight. You fight. He fights. She fights. They fight. We fought.' Who cares? I say just fight.
Combat training is easy for you.
I'm a natural.
But you don't like to do anything that's too hard for you. Wouldn't want to pull a muscle in your brain.
Wait a second. What are you saying? That I can't study.
Can you?
Iolaus knows he's being played here, but he can't stop himself.
I can study. I can study harder and faster then any of you guys.
Prove it. Meet me in the dining hall. Five minutes.
Where are you going?
To get help.
They won't come.
Herc hurries out. Iolaus SIGHS, and follows after Herc. A MOMENT, then Fiducius enters. He begins "cleaning up" after Iolaus, wiping the shields. Checking everywhere for mirrors or other cheat devices.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - NIGHT
Everyone is studying. Herc enters and talks to the whole room.
Listen up, everyone.
What's going on?
We're forming a special study group to help Iolaus.
Another cadet, PINCUS speaks up:
Who's 'we'?
Everybody.
We'd like to help Iolaus, Hercules. But face it, academics isn't his speed. Did you ever think maybe he just...
...doesn't have what it takes.
Funny, that's what everybody said about you when you couldn't learn how to keep your balance on the vertical logs.
Yeah, but once you showed me that trick you do with your eyes...
(realizing) It's not the same.
Isn't it? When I helped you, you told me if I ever needed something, I should just ask. Well, I'm asking.
Herc turns to all of the sleepy-eyed Cadets.
I'm asking all of you.
Slowly, GRUMBLING, half the Cadets gather up their scrolls and head for the door.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - MOMENTS LATER
Iolaus is pacing. Herc enters with a group of Cadets. Iolaus's face brightens. Herc steps close to him.
See, I told you they'd come. And they're all excited to be here.
(to Cadets) Right?
Low MUMBLE. Non-committal.
Right?
Lot of energetic, but phony, "Yeah. Right. We're with you. Onward and upward. Eureka!" Etc. Iolaus sits. The Cadets for a circle around him.
So, where do we start?
The Cadets look from one to the other. They heave a collective SIGH and open their scrolls.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - LATER
Some Cadets have fallen asleep. Others look haggard. Lilith has an open scroll, testing Iolaus. Iolaus stands reciting:
'Delphinus, Canes Venatici, Aquila, Cygnus...'
That's right. Keep going.
Um... I forgot the rest.
You have to have a system to remember all of them. Like alphabetical order. 'Andromeda, Aquila, Auriga, Bootes.'
No, no, no. There has to be some music to it. And a story.
Gregor begins to SING to the tune of (for now) "Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Carolina." As he sings, the Cadets all stare at him like he's crazy.
'Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, how could anything be fina' ith Pol-a-a-a-ris. Pegasus and Draco like to fly across the crown of Bore-a-a-a-lis.
(senses they're staring) What?
You make up a song for everything?
Doesn't everybody?
Pincus jumps to his feet and takes a pose like a BIG BEAR. Everyone stares. He GROWLS. Then he pulls Iolaus on his feet and starts posing him like a modern dance choreographer into the same Big Bear pose he was in.
Here, you're a giant bear. Grrrr. Now say it with me.
(growly voiced) URSA MAJOR!
Grrrr. URSA MAJOR.
(he stops suddenly) This is just too embarrassing.
Hey, we're not the ones who can't remember a simple list.
What about Mnuemonocle's trick? You make a word out of the first letters of the list. Like 'HOMES' for the five battles of the Antillean War.
'Homes'?
Yeah. HELLESTA, ORENGA, MENTUNIS, EURUPAR, SISYTHILE. 'Homes.'
Iolaus explodes.
STOP! Everybody just stops. My brain is going to explode.
Fine, then learn it your own way. If you can figure out what that is before tomorrow morning.
All except Lilith and Herc start to leave.
You agreed to help.
Forget it, Hercules. I don't care how many favors I owe you, you can't make me stay.
You made them come?
'Made' is a little harsh. Influenced?
Fine. Go. I don't need to twist anyone's arm to help me.
Iolaus! We're running out of time here. We have to have a plan.
It's hopeless. Maybe I'm just stupid.
(a moment) This is where you guys jump in with, 'Oh no, Iolaus. You're not stupid.'
(no reaction) You don't think I can do it either, do you?
Hercules and Lilith exchange a look.
I'm doomed.
ON HERCULES pondering to himself. "Maybe Iolaus is doomed."
FADE OUT.
Act Two
FADE IN:
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - NIGHT
As before, Lilith, Herc and Iolaus ready to give up. Fiducius, unseen by the gang, is poking his nose in, listening.
Nobody thinks you're stupid, Iolaus. We just don't know what to do next.
