Girl Trouble Transcript (Dialogue Only)
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Girl Trouble
This is a transcript of the dialogue of the episode Girl Trouble, as aired, transcribed by Bryn. To see descriptive prose between the lines of dialogue, see Girl Trouble Transcript (Novelization).
Sailor: Raise the rigging!
Zared: No one double-crosses me! Throw him in the hold!
Traitor: No! Please! Please, sir! No! No! Please! I beg you! Please!
Zared: Looks like our cargo won't be needing dinner tonight!
~*~
Jason: Oh... uck, what is it?
Hercules: Your guess is as good as mine.
Jason: That's it. I'm not eating. I'm going on a hunger strike.
Iolaus: You gonna eat that? Hmm. You know, you picked a really bad time to go on a hunger strike with the harvest festival coming up.
Jason: All you can eat? All weekend long? No, thank you.
Hercules: Don't worry about it, Jason. Cheiron promised us a new cook, remember? That's right.
Jason: There she is.
Hercules: A girl in the academy?
Iolaus: A babe. Who can cook.
Jason: Aw... I've died and gone to the Elysian Fields.
Iolaus: No. No, wait! No! I saw her first!
Jason: You were busy stuffing your face!
Iolaus: Huh? I'll show you how to stuff your face! Come on!
Hercules: Guys, guys, guys, guys. Listen, are we really gonna fight over a beautiful woman, huh?
Jason and Iolaus: Yes!
Hercules: A-a-all right then, gentlemen - and I use the term so very loosely - there's only one way to settle this.
~*~
Iolaus: Okay. Through the arch, off the ladder, over the roof, off the well, off the wall, down the steps... nothing but pigpen.
Jason: It'll never happen... but good luck.
Arcus: Whoa! Oh!
Hercules: Uh, guys, he's out cold. Somebody get some water, all right?
Jason: Nice work, Iolaus.
Iolaus: Hey, it wasn't my fault. That guy stepped right into it.
Hercules: Listen, you gonna be okay, buddy? You all right?
Arcus: Yeah.
Hercules: Yeah?
Iolaus: Hey, never mind that. Just get him on his feet before Cheiron sees us. I mean, the last thing we want is old 'Mr. Pearls of wisdom'. 'Look, you boys look silly with that ball-' He's behind me, isn't he? Hey.
Cheiron: You all right, Arcus?
Arcus: Yeah. Sure. No problem.
Cheiron: Looks like I've lost a messenger. Which means... you boys are going to Athens.
Iolaus: Athens? What's in Athens?
Cheiron: Find us a new cook.
Hercules: Uh, a c- uh, oh... well, we thought that, you know, a, ah... well, if Arcus was gonna go find the cook, then, uh.. who's she?
Lilith: I'm Lilith.
Cheiron: Gentlemen, meet our newest cadet.
Iolaus: Ha-ha! What?! Aw, come on, she's... she's...
Lilith: What?
Iolaus: She's... gonna be just fine.
Lilith: So. You cadets always use messengers for target practice?
Iolaus: You know? There's no need for us all to miss the harvest festival. Later. Hey, uh, no, I was... I was... let's go.
Act One
Hercules's Voice: We are missing the entire harvest festival 'cause we're stuck looking for a cook.
Iolaus's Voice: What? Like this is all my fault.
Jason's Voice: You knocked out the messenger.
Iolaus's Voice: Not on purpose.
Jason: There's gotta be a decent cook closer than Athens.
Iolaus: Yeah. Hey, Herc, Zeus must know some pretty decent cooks. Why don't you just get him to zap one down here?
Jason: Aye!
Hercules: I don't even talk to my father, never mind ask him for favors.
Jason: It's gonna take a week to walk to Athens and back.
Iolaus: Yeah, well, the shooting contest wasn't my idea.
Hercules: Hey. What was I supposed to do, huh? You two were about to deck each other over our new classmate.
Jason: How could we know she was a cadet?
Iolaus: Yeah, she didn't look like a cadet.
Jason: Whoever heard of a girl cadet?
Iolaus: Yeah, exactly. Girls are supposed to be sweet and gentle.
Jason: Why is that? Is that all you can handle?
Hercules: That's assuming he can even get a date.
Iolaus: Hey, I got an idea.
Hercules: Huh? Oh, not again.
Iolaus: Look. Let's hire a boat. We'll get to Athens in no time. And, it'll give us a chance to, uh... check out the sights... if you catch my drift.
Hercules: We can't afford a boat.
Iolaus: Who needs money? I'll just turn on the old Iolaus charm.
~*~
Hercules: The old Iolaus charm, huh?
Iolaus: What? We're on a boat. We're headed towards Athens-- aren't we?
Jason: By the time we get there, we're gonna be too tired to do anything.
Iolaus: Eh.
Jason: How you doing?
Iolaus: Good.
Hercules: You thirsty?
Iolaus: What?
Hercules: Huh?
Zared: That's enough!
Jason: Who died and made you captain?
Zared: The name's Zared. If you want to stay on board my boat, you'll do your work, stay out of my way. And never get near my cargo.
Hercules: Whatever.
Iolaus: Friendly guy.
Jason: What a freak.
~*~
Jason: Hey! Hey!
Iolaus: What? Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hercules: Iolaus, what's your problem?
Iolaus: What do you think? I wanna know what's in that cargo hold. Whoa, whoa, whoa, look.
Hercules: Listen, I know what you're thinking, Iolaus, okay? Just forget it.
Iolaus: Aw, come on, Herc. Aren't you just a little bit curious to find out what's in there?
Jason: Sure he is. So am I. But you heard Zared. Keep your nose out of there.
Hercules: Jason's right, all right? Rules are rules. Iolaus.
Iolaus: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rules are rules.
~*~
Hercules: Iolaus? Iolaus! Jason. He's going for the cargo. Iolaus!
Zared: My cargo! Thieves! Stop them!
Iolaus: Whoa!
Hercules: Iolaus! Get the barrel. I'll get the swords.
Jason: We have to get Iolaus.
Hercules: Amazons.
Act Two
Jason: What have you Amazons done with Iolaus?
Iolaus: Ah, not enough, if you ask me.
Hercules: Iolaus! You okay?
Iolaus: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Jason: I thought they were supposed to be man-haters.
Hercules: Yeah.
Iolaus: Yeah, well, they don't hurt good-looking men.
Cyane: We don't hurt boys, or he'd be in chains already. My name's Cyane, leader of the Telaquire Amazon nation.
Hercules: Oh. I'm Hercules.
Jason: Um, Jason.
Iolaus: Um, Iolaus. We, uh, we-we met.
Jason: Hey, you're the cargo Zared plans to take to Athens.
Hercules: People should not be cargo.
Cyane: My sisters and I plan to take over this ship. You'll either help us or go down with the rest.
Hercules: Well. Kind of sounds like an order to me.
Cyane: It is. I'm in charge here.
Hercules: Oh, well, with all due respect, with those chains around your ankles, you're not much match for Zared's men. You're gonna need our help.
Cyane: Okay. So you can join us. But if we find that you've deceived us, I'll feed you to the sharks.
Iolaus: Oh, gee, that's fair.
Jason: We gotta find a way to get those chains off.
Hercules: Yeah. If only we had the key.
Iolaus: Mmm.
Hercules: Wait a second.
Iolaus: Whoa. Hey. Whoa! Come on!
Jason: Come on!
Iolaus: That tickles!
Hercules: Ah.
Iolaus: Oh, right. That's what you wanted.
Hercules: We'll unlock the Amazons, and we'll attack in the morning.
Iolaus: Morning, huh?
Hercules: Yeah.
Iolaus: Well, it looks like someone's got a busy night ahead. Hi, I'm Iolaus.
Hercules: Three, two, one.
Iolaus: Ooh! Feisty! I can work with that.
~*~
Man's Voice: Lights out! All lights out! Lights out!
Cyane: I don't bite.
Hercules: I know. I just wanted, uh, to let you go first.
Cyane: You've never seen an Amazon, before, huh?
Hercules: Well, no, but I've heard things.
Cyane: That we're thieves and murderers, and baby-snatchers. We hate all men and corrupt all women, right?
Hercules: Uh-huh. Is it true?
Cyane: No. Thousands of years ago, all the men in our village were wiped out in a single battle. From then on, our ancestors knew that our women needed to be strong. So, as for men, we just... learned to live without them.
Hercules: What about your male children?
Cyane: Oh, they're returned to their fathers. The girls stay here with us and are raised as Amazons. Although, I only speak for the Telaquire Amazons - my tribe.
Hercules: There's more of you?
Cyane: Yeah, twelve in all. We were separated during the great war with the Centaurs. And one day we do hope to reunite.
Hercules: I've heard Centaurs talk about that war.
Cyane: You have Centaur friends.
Hercules: Well, yeah.
Cyane: Well, that explains your hatred of the Amazons, then.
Hercules: Whoa, no, no. See, uh... I don't hate anybody.
Hercules: So. You haven't told me how Zared captured you.
Cyane: He didn't. We were tricked by a god.
Hercules: Which god?
Cyane: The cruelest of them all. Zeus.
Hercules: Are you sure?
Cyane: Zeus told us to leave our land, and when we refused, he took us by force, turning us over to Zared.
Hercules: Well. That's impossible.
Cyane: That's the truth.
Hercules: Zeus doesn't harm innocent people.
Cyane: You're naive, Hercules. Look, I used to think that the gods of Olympus were fair and just. Now, I know that they do things out of hatred and spite. I'm sorry. These have been difficult days.
Hercules: It's okay. I know a little bit about how hard the gods can be.
~*~
Men's Voices: Sound the morning call! Get to work! Land ho!
Cyane: All right. Let's break through the hatch door.
Hercules: Whoa, listen to me. Now, you do that, and you'll have all of Zared's men out there wating for you.
Cyane: Oh, you got a better idea?
Hercules: I think so. We're gonna need the help of someone sneaky. Someone underhanded. Somebody conniving.
Iolaus: I'll take that as a compliment.
~*~
Iolaus: Oh! Oh! We've sprung a leak! Oh, help us! Help us! We're taking on water!
Sailor: Well, go help!
Iolaus: We're all gonna drown! We're all gonna die!
Sailor: Gotta do something! Quick! Open the hold!
Iolaus: Hold me! Oh, no! Help us! We're sinking! Oh! Oh! It's-- oh! Oh. Uh-oh.
Hercules: Okay. Anytime, ladies, anytime! Iolaus! Duck!
Zared: Fools! Get them! Use your bows!
Hercules: Cyane!
Cyane: Yes!
Zared: If I stop the leader, I win the war. Goodbye, Amazon Queen.
Cyane: Nice catch.
Hercules: It was okay.
Cyane: Not bad... for a boy.
Amazon's Voice: We did it!
~*~
Hercules: So. Where do you think Zared and his men are now?
Cyane: Well, if this wind holds, they should be in Carthage... where slave-trading is illegal, I might add.
Iolaus: Hey, uh, Cyane. We're headed towards Athens. Uh, you care to join us?
Cyane: Nah, thanks, Iolaus, but we better be on our way.
Cyane: Uh, look, I just, I wanna apologize for doubting you and your friends.
Hercules: Uh, no, uh, I need to apologize to you. You know, I was, uh, I was wrong about the Amazons, and I was wrong about you, and... I hope your new homeland is everything you dream of.
Cyane: Thank you, Hercules, for helping us win our freedom back.
Iolaus: Hey, Herc. Whoa! Whoa. Sorry. Anyway, uh, Cyane... maybe when you gals, uh, you know, find your new home, you might wanna look us up.
Jason: They're Amazons, Iolaus. They don't look men up. They conquer them. Right?
Hercules: Well. I thought you liked your women sweet and gentle, Iolaus.
Iolaus: Well, you know, Cheiron said ya gotta keep your options open.
Hercules: Yeah, sounds good to me. Well, we got a new cook to find, right?
Jason: Yep.
Hercules: Yeah.
Iolaus: Hey, you don't suppose one of the Amazons might like the job.
Hercules: Somehow, Iolaus, I don't think they're the cooking kind, you know?
Iolaus: Hey, you think maybe the Amazons need a cook?
Hercules: You can't cook.
Iolaus: They don't know that.
