Cyrano de Hercules Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Teaser

Hercules: "Look, I-I, don't, uh-- "

Iolaus: "Uh-uh. Come on. Come on."

Hercules: "Guys, listen, I don't know about this, all right?"

Jason: "Come on, Hercules. It's not gonna hurt."

Hercules: "Well, I've never been on a blind date, before, all right?"

Jason: "There's three of them, and two of us. We _need_ you."

Iolaus: "Yeah-- do the math."

Hercules: "Whoa!"

Iolaus: "Not that the situation didn't have potential."

Jason: "Hey, ladies. This is Hercules. This is Penelope."

Hercules: "Oh-- hi."

Penelope: "Hello."

Jason: "Sabrina."

Hercules: "Hi."

Jason: "And Tara-- your date."

Hercules: "Uh-- hi. So, uh-- nice to meet you."

Tara: "Is it?"

Hephaestus: "Hey-ey-ey! Fellas! What a nice surprise!"

Iolaus: "Not the words I would have used."

Hercules: "Uh-- ha-ha-- e-everybody-- this is Hephaestus."

Hephaestus: "Hi."

Kora: "Well-- looks like some local boys finally got a date."

Jason: "Ha-- that's pretty funny. Huh-- well, ladies-- I think that, mh-- it would-- "

Iolaus: "So, uh-- how long have you been-- ?"

Hephaestus: [Interrupting]: "Ah! Bread!"

Iolaus: "Hercules. Herc!"

Hercules: "One second."

Iolaus: [Whispers]: "You gonna do something about this?"

Hephaestus: "Wanna see a neat trick? OK."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Why me?"

Iolaus: [Whispers]: "'Cause-- he's your brother."

Jason's [?] Voice: "Ah, it's-- really neat."

Hercules: "That's good."

Penelope: "It's-- getting a little late, isn't it?"

Jason: "Huh? No. Wha?"

Hercules: "Uh-- hey, Hephaestus-- can I talk to you for a second?"

Hephaestus: "Yeah."

Hercules: "OK, uh-- I'm just gonna-- . Uh-- hi."

Hephaestus: "Hi."

Hercules: "How you doin'?"

Hephaestus: "Good, good."

Hercules: "Good-- nice to see ya."

Hephaestus: "Yeah."

Hercules: "Uh, listen-- me and the guys-- it's funny, actually-- we had some plans for tonight?"

Hephaestus: "Oh, that's great! What're we gonna do?!"

Hercules: "Uh, uh-- hey! Hey, guys-- listen. I was just about to tell Hephaestus, here, how much fun he might have if he had a date of his own-- huh?"

Hephaestus: "You'd do that? For me?"

Iolaus: "Uh, we'd do _what_, exactly?"

Hephaestus: "Well, ya'd help me find a date! Aw-- what wonderful friends you are! Oh, that's great."

Jason: "Hold that thought, here."

Penelope: "Jason-- "

Jason: "Sum'in's come up. Uh-- "

Penelope: "Jason-- "

Jason: "Uh, I'll just be one minute, OK?"

Penelope: "Jason."

Iolaus: "OK, OK-- make us proud."

Hephaestus: "OK."

Iolaus: "Go."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Come here. Come here, come here-- there's something on your face."

Hephaestus: "Hey-- what do I say first?"

Hercules: "Oh."

Jason: "I, uh-- oh-- ‘Hello.'"

Hephaestus: "‘Hello.'"

Hercules: "‘Hello.'"

Iolaus: "Yeah, yeah, yeah-- and then tell her, uh-- she has pretty eyes-- even if she doesn't. Go."

Hephaestus: "Hello."

Jason: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

Iolaus: [Whispers]: "The eyes."

Hephaestus: [Whispers]: "Oh, her eyes."

Hephaestus: "You have, uh-- very beautiful eyes. Ooh!"

Jason: "Sorry, you're not his type."

Hephaestus: "No-- no."

Iolaus: "But, uh-- you do have pretty eyes."

Hephaestus: "Oh, yeah-- they're great. Hey-- yeah."

Jason: "Where'd they go?"

Kora: "They're gone."

Jason: "What?!"

Iolaus: "Jas-- they've gone."

Jason: "Why did they go?"

Kora: "Gee, they probably didn't wanna sit alone all night."

Iolaus: "We can catch ‘em."

Hercules: "Listen, Hephaestus, don't sweat it, all right? I mean-- we mean well, but-- the truth is-- we have no idea what we're talkin' about. Listen-- if I know one thing about women, and that's it-- you can't make ‘em like you-- all right."

Hephaestus: "No-- but I can _make_ a girl."

Kora: "Oh, yeah-- sure."

Hercules: "Are you serious?"

Hephaestus: "Yeah."

Hercules: "Oh-- uh-- OK. I mean, I-I guess. I mean-- he is the god of making stuff, but-- "

Hephaestus: "Hey-- and you can help me! It's-- it's brilliant!"

Hercules: "Oh, it is!"

Act One

Hercules: "Hephaestus-- making a woman sounds like an incredibly bad idea."

Hephaestus: "But I can do it!"

Hercules: "It's not a question 'a ‘Can do it'; it's a question 'a ‘Should do it'. And trust me-- you shouldn't do it-- it's wrong. A person's too-- you know, unique-- they're too-- complicated-- [Sighs] uh, especially, a female person."

Hephaestus: "But, why?"

Hercules: [Sighs]: "I don't know. Um-- they've just always seemed more complicated to me."

Hephaestus: "Look-- I want to know. I mean-- what is it in a woman?"

Hercules: "Aw-- Hephaestus-- I don't know."

Hephaestus: "I want to understand. I've lived most of my life alone. I haven't experienced the world like you. So-- tell me. I mean-- what-- is it about a woman that-- makes her what she is?"

Hercules: "It's-- it's everything. It's anything. It's-- "

Hephaestus: "_W-w-what_ things?!"

Hercules: "OK, um-- chk-chk-- a woman is smart."

Hephaestus: "Sm-- "

Hercules: "And-and she _knows_ herself. Well-- she's got a very strong will."

Hephaestus: "Strong-- like bronze."

Hercules: "Sure, and, uh-- you know, and-- her senses are amazing, OK? She can see and hear things that men can't and, uh-- well, their hearts are pure."

Hephaestus: "Pure-- you mean, like gold."

Hercules: "Well-- sure, um-- and she's caring, and she's generous, and-- she's full 'a love and affection, and-- "

Hephaestus: "Love?"

Hephaestus: "Ah! Ah! OK. Oh-ho-ho. It's done."

Hercules's Voice: "Hephaestus!"

Hephaestus's Voice: "Galatea."

Hephaestus: "I'll call her ‘Galatea'."

Hercules: "No-- no, no, no, no, no, no! Hephaestus-- tell me you didn't."

Hephaestus: "Whaddya think?"

Hercules: "Well-- I mean-- it's beautiful-- "

Hephaestus: [Interrupting]: "Ahhh! Chhhhh! Not ‘It'-- ‘She'."

Hercules: "‘She'?"

Hephaestus: "OK. All right. It'll take a minute. I've got something for her. OK."

Hercules: "Uh, Hephaestus, I j-- "

Hephaestus: "Yeah."

Hephaestus: "Something special. I have to get her something special. A songbird-- well, maybe she'd like that. It sounds so pretty. No-- wait. Even better! Butterflies!"

Hercules: "Amazing. Hephaestus. Hephaestus. You-- uh, Hephaestus! Hephaestus! Um-- she's-- her-- "

Galatea: "Hello."

Hercules: "Y-- uh, you can talk? Oh-oh. And-and-- y-you can move?"

Galatea: "What's your name?"

Hercules: "Uh-- I'm Hercules."

Galatea: "I am-- I'm-- "

Hercules: "Uh-- you-- Galatea. OK?"

Hephaestus: "I'll make her a cage-- out of reeds. Yeah! And I'll fill it with butterflies. Wow, it'll be beautiful! Just like her. Who am I kidding? It'll take a lot more than butterflies and birds to get Galatea to like me-- a lot more."

Hercules: "Uh, what're-what're you doin'?"

Galatea: "Don't be afraid of me. I'm full of love and affection."

Hercules: "Well-- that may be, but-- y-you see, I-I think that you have me confused for someone else."

Hephaestus: "Hercules would know what to do-- he always does. It always seems so easy to him. If I was Hercules, I'd-- I'd-- I'd bring her some _flowers_! Yeah! That's it! Flowers! OK. All right."

Hephaestus: "Hey, Hercules! Do you think she'll like flowers?"

Galatea: "Flowers?"

Hephaestus: "It's happened."

Hercules: "Yeah-- uh-- this is Hephaestus. He's, uh- the guy that made ya."

Galatea: "Hello."

Hephaestus: "Hi."

Galatea: "Hercules?"

Hercules: "Yeah?"

Galatea: "Is he your friend?"

Hercules: "Hephaestus? Oh-- Hephaestus my friend? Yeah-- Heph is the best! Oh, sorry. Yeah, listen, you know what I think? I think that you two kids should go away-- somewhere romantic-- somewhere fun-- huh? Somewhere very far-- oh, so far-- away from here."

Hephaestus: [Aside to Hercules]: "Uh-- I still don't know what to say. Can you come with me?"

Hercules: "No."

Hephaestus: "What about the guys? Maybe they'll help."

Hercules: "Well-- they couldn't make it any worse."

Hephaestus: "So-- you think she'll like it? It's got the best views around here."

Hercules: "Yeah. Whoa! If we survive the trip."

Galatea: "Thank you for bringing me here."

Hercules: "Oh, Galatea, would you-- ?! Hey-- how about Hephaestus, huh? OK, maybe-- on the outside, a little bit-- a little bit rough, OK? But on the inside? [Whistles] There's a great guy, huh?"

Iolaus: "Am I missing something, here?"

Jason: "When you figure it out, tell me."

Hephaestus: "OK, all right. Food, yeah. Uh-- I got cheese, bread-- hi."

Hercules: "Oh [Chuckles]-- ah-- look at that! Goat cheese so fresh, there's fur on it! Ha-ha-ha. Hephaestus is amazing, isn't he? Oh, um-- you know, that Hephaestus is gonna make some girl very, very happy some day."

Jason: "That's Hephaestus' date-- you gotta back off."

Hercules: "Look-- I'm not doing it-- she is."

Jason: "Well, you better do something, soon, or he's gonna notice."

Hercules: "Galatea?"

Galatea: "Yes?"

Hercules: "We have to talk, OK?"

Iolaus: "Is that goat cheese?"

Hercules: "Galatea-- ya have to lay off."

Galatea: "I can't do that."

Hercules: "Why can't you do that?"

Galatea: "Because I don't want to-- and I have a _very_ strong will."

Hercules: "You got a strong will? And your senses are keen? And your heart is pure? And-- it's all because of me."

Galatea: "It's like-- you can see inside me."

Hercules: "Galatea-- stop. Listen."

Hephaestus: "Hercules!"

Hercules: "Hephaestus-- I can explain-- all right?"

Hephaestus: [Yells]

Act Two

Hercules: "Heph-- just listen to me."

Hephaestus: "I don't wanna hear your lies!"

Hercules: "I'm not gonna fight you, all right? We're brothers."

Hephaestus: "I don't care."

Jason: "That's enough!"

Hephaestus: "Is this what you want, Hercules? I'll give you the woman you _deserve_. Come with me!"

Galatea: "Hercules!"

Hephaestus: "Get out of the way!"

Iolaus: "Man, I've never seen Heph angry, before. I don't wanna see it, again."

Jason: "Be careful, Hercules. He may be a nice guy, but he's still a god."

Hephaestus: "If Hercules wants you-- well, he can _have_ you! Your heart burns with passion for him. May your heart be cold as Olympian ice."

Hercules: "He's just so lonely, that he did something really wrong, you know?"

Iolaus: "Poor guy-- he can't even _build_ a girl to like him. Hmm."

Jason: "Why was she going after you?"

Hercules: "Mmm-- how should I know? Uh-- Galatea-- listen-- I know how you feel about-- whoa!"

[Fight]

Hephaestus: "Wait a minute!"

Hercules: "What are you tryin' to do?"

Galatea: "I'm tryin' to_hurt_ you!"

Hephaestus: "I wanted her to _reject_ Hercules, not attack him!"

Iolaus: "Whoa-- their first argument's a doozie."

Jason: "She's serious."

Hercules: [Moans]

Hephaestus: "Oh, this is terrible. I've _got_ to help them!"

Jason: "Let me, uh-- . Hey-- how you doin'? I was just-- whoaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

Hephaestus: "She's trying to hurt you-- and them."

Iolaus: "Uh-- uh-- hi. Whoa! Ja-sonnnnnnnn!"

Hercules: "I'll get her. You help the guys."

Hephaestus: "OK."

Jason: "You've put on a little weight, Iolaus!"

Iolaus: "Tell me about it."

Hercules: "Yeah-- I gotta get a new approach. Jason! Just hold on, guys! Look, I don't understand. I thought you liked me."

Galatea: "My heart is closed to you."

Hephaestus: "Quick-- give me your hand."

Galatea: "What are you doing?!"

Hercules: "I'm trying to save you!"

Hephaestus: "I wanted her to forget him-- not destroy him."

Jason: "Hephaestus!"

Iolaus: "Can you give us a hand, here?!"

Galatea: "If you do not let me end now-- I shall only destroy you later! Don't you believe me?"

Hercules: "Yeah, I believe you."

Galatea: "Then, why do you _do_ this?!"

Hercules: "Because I have to. Why would you-- destroy me?"

Galatea: I have to."

Hephaestus: "She's not real. This is all my fault."

Iolaus: "Hercules!"

Jason: "Let me pull you back!"

Hercules: "Get off!"

Iolaus: "No, we're not leaving you here, Herc!"

Hercules: "If you get off, we'll have a chance to swing to safety! If you don't, we're all goin' down!"

Jason: "OK. Come on."

Hephaestus: "Galatea-- I can't leave her! Galatea!"

Iolaus: "Heph, she's not real!"

Hercules: "On the count of three-- we're just gonna swing. Let go with your hands. One-- two. This is gonna hurt. Three!" [Yells]

Hephaestus: "Nooo! Galatea! Galatea!"

Hercules: "Is she OK?"

Jason: "The bridge couldn't hold her."

Hercules: "Hephaestus."

Hercules: "How you doin', Hephaestus?"

Hephaestus: "I never should have made you. I wanted to believe that you were real. I know she's not real, Hercules. Why does it still hurt that she's gone?"

Hercules: "I don't know. I wish that I did."