Cyrano de Hercules Transcript (Novelization)

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[TEASER]

H: “Look, I-I, don’t, uh-- ”

I: “Uh-uh. Come on. Come on.”

H: “Guys, listen, I don’t know about this, all right?”

Ja: “Come on, Hercules. It’s not gonna hurt.”

H: “Well, I’ve never been on a blind date, before, all right?”

Ja: “There’s three of them, and two of us. We _need_ you.”

I: “Yeah-- do the math.”

H: “Whoa!”

I: “Not that the situation didn’t have potential.”

Ja: “Hey, ladies. This is Hercules. This is Penelope.”

H: “Oh-- hi.”

Penelope [Pen]: “Hello.”

Ja: “Sabrina.”

H: “Hi.”

Ja: “And Tara-- your date.”

H: “Uh-- hi. So, uh-- nice to meet you.”

Tara: “Is it?”

Hephaestus [Heph]: “Hey-ey-ey! Fellas! What a nice surprise!”

I: “Not the words I would have used.”

H: “Uh-- ha-ha-- e-everybody-- this is Hephaestus.”

Heph: “Hi.”

Kora: “Well-- looks like some local boys finally got a date.”

Ja: “Ha-- that’s pretty funny. Huh-- well, ladies-- I think that, mh-- it would-- ”

I: “So, uh-- how long have you been-- ?”

Heph [Interrupting]: “Ah! Bread!”

I: “Hercules. Herc!”

H: “One second.”

I [Whispers]: “You gonna do something about this?”

Heph: “Wanna see a neat trick? OK.”

H [Whispers]: “Why me?”

I [Whispers]: “’Cause-- he’s your brother.”

Ja’s [?] Voice: “Ah, it’s-- really neat.”

H: “That’s good.”

Pen: “It’s-- getting a little late, isn’t it?”

Ja: “Huh? No. Wha?”

H: “Uh-- hey, Hephaestus-- can I talk to you for a second?”

Heph: “Yeah.”

H: “OK, uh-- I’m just gonna-- . Uh-- hi.”

Heph: “Hi.”

H: “How you doin’?”

Heph: “Good, good.”

H: “Good-- nice to see ya.”

Heph: “Yeah.”

H: “Uh, listen-- me and the guys-- it’s funny, actually-- we had some plans for tonight?”

Heph: “Oh, that’s great! What’re we gonna do?!”

H: “Uh, uh-- hey! Hey, guys-- listen. I was just about to tell Hephaestus, here, how much fun he might have if he had a date of his own-- huh?”

Heph: “You’d do that? For me?”

I: “Uh, we’d do _what_, exactly?”

Heph: “Well, ya’d help me find a date! Aw-- what wonderful friends you are! Oh, that’s great.”

Ja: “Hold that thought, here.”

Pen: “Jason-- ”

Ja: “Sum’in’s come up. Uh-- ”

Pen: “Jason-- ”

Ja: “Uh, I’ll just be one minute, OK?”

Pen: “Jason.”

I: “OK, OK-- make us proud.”

Heph: “OK.”

I: “Go.”

H [Whispers]: “Come here. Come here, come here-- there’s something on your face.”

Heph: “Hey-- what do I say first?”

H: “Oh.”

Ja: “I, uh-- oh-- ‘Hello.’”

Heph: “‘Hello.’”

H: “‘Hello.’”

I: “Yeah, yeah, yeah-- and then tell her, uh-- she has pretty eyes-- even if she doesn’t. Go.”

Heph: “Hello.”

Ja: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.”

I [Whispers]: “The eyes.”

Heph [Whispers]: “Oh, her eyes.”

Heph: “You have, uh-- very beautiful eyes. Ooh!”

Ja: “Sorry, you’re not his type.”

Heph: “No-- no.”

I: “But, uh-- you do have pretty eyes.”

Heph: “Oh, yeah-- they’re great. Hey-- yeah.”

Ja: “Where’d they go?”

Kora: “They’re gone.”

Ja: “What?!”

I: “Jas-- they’ve gone.”

Ja: “Why did they go?”

Kora: “Gee, they probably didn’t wanna sit alone all night.”

I: “We can catch ‘em.”

H: “Listen, Hephaestus, don’t sweat it, all right? I mean-- we mean well, but-- the truth is-- we have no idea what we’re talkin’ about. Listen-- if I know one thing about women, and that’s it-- you can’t make ‘em like you-- all right.”

Heph: “No-- but I can _make_ a girl.”

Kora: “Oh, yeah-- sure.”

H: “Are you serious?”

Heph: “Yeah.”

H: “Oh-- uh-- OK. I mean, I-I guess. I mean-- he is the god of making stuff, but-- ”

Heph: “Hey-- and you can help me! It’s-- it’s brilliant!”

H: “Oh, it is!”

---

[ACT I]

H: “Hephaestus-- making a woman sounds like an incredibly bad idea.”

Heph: “But I can do it!”

H: “It’s not a question ’a ‘Can do it’; it’s a question ’a ‘Should do it’. And trust me-- you shouldn’t do it-- it’s wrong. A person’s too-- you know, unique-- they’re too-- complicated-- [Sighs] uh, especially, a female person.”

Heph: “But, why?”

H [Sighs]: “I don’t know. Um-- they’ve just always seemed more complicated to me.”

Heph: “Look-- I want to know. I mean-- what is it in a woman?”

H: “Aw-- Hephaestus-- I don’t know.”

Heph: “I want to understand. I’ve lived most of my life alone. I haven’t experienced the world like you. So-- tell me. I mean-- what-- is it about a woman that-- makes her what she is?”

H: “It’s-- it’s everything. It’s anything. It’s-- ”

Heph: “_W-w-what_ things?!”

H: “OK, um-- chk-chk-- a woman is smart.”

Heph: “Sm-- ”

H: “And-and she _knows_ herself. Well-- she’s got a very strong will.”

Heph: “Strong-- like bronze.”

H: “Sure, and, uh-- you know, and-- her senses are amazing, OK? She can see and hear things that men can’t and, uh-- well, their hearts are pure.”

Heph: “Pure-- you mean, like gold.”

H: “Well-- sure, um-- and she’s caring, and she’s generous, and-- she’s full ’a love and affection, and-- ”

Heph: “Love?”

---

Heph: “Ah! Ah! OK. Oh-ho-ho. It’s done.”

H’s Voice: “Hephaestus!”

Heph’s Voice: “Galatea.”

Heph: “I’ll call her ‘Galatea’.”

H: “No-- no, no, no, no, no, no! Hephaestus-- tell me you didn’t.”

Heph: “Whaddya think?”

H: “Well-- I mean-- it’s beautiful-- ”

Heph [Interrupting]: “Ahhh! Chhhhh! Not ‘It’-- ‘She’.”

H: “‘She’?”

Heph: “OK. All right. It’ll take a minute. I’ve got something for her. OK.”

H: “Uh, Hephaestus, I j-- ”

---

Heph: “Yeah.”

---

Heph: “Something special. I have to get her something special. A songbird-- well, maybe she’d like that. It sounds so pretty. No-- wait. Even better! Butterflies!”

---

H: “Amazing. Hephaestus. Hephaestus. You-- uh, Hephaestus! Hephaestus! Um-- she’s-- her-- ”

Galatea [Gal]: “Hello.”

H: “Y-- uh, you can talk? Oh-oh. And-and-- y-you can move?”

Gal: “What’s your name?”

H: “Uh-- I’m Hercules.”

Gal: “I am-- I’m-- ”

H: “Uh-- you-- Galatea. OK?”

---

Heph: “I’ll make her a cage-- out of reeds. Yeah! And I’ll fill it with butterflies. Wow, it’ll be beautiful! Just like her. Who am I kidding? It’ll take a lot more than butterflies and birds to get Galatea to like me-- a lot more.”

---

H: “Uh, what’re-what’re you doin’?”

Gal: “Don’t be afraid of me. I’m full of love and affection.”

H: “Well-- that may be, but-- y-you see, I-I think that you have me confused for someone else.”

---

Hep: “Hercules would know what to do-- he always does. It always seems so easy to him. If I was Hercules, I’d-- I’d-- I’d bring her some _flowers_! Yeah! That’s it! Flowers! OK. All right.”

---

Heph: “Hey, Hercules! Do you think she’ll like flowers?”

Gal: “Flowers?”

Heph [Sighs]: “It’s happened.”

H: “Yeah-- uh-- this is Hephaestus. He’s, uh- the guy that made ya.”

Gal: “Hello.”

Heph: “Hi.”

Gal: “Hercules?”

H: “Yeah?”

Gal: “Is he your friend?”

H: “Hephaestus? Oh-- Hephaestus my friend? Yeah-- Heph is the best! Oh, sorry. Yeah, listen, you know what I think? I think that you two kids should go away-- somewhere romantic-- somewhere fun-- huh? Somewhere very far-- oh, so far-- away from here.”

Heph [Aside to H]: “Uh-- I still don’t know what to say. Can you come with me?”

H: “No.”

Heph: “What about the guys? Maybe they’ll help.”

H: “Well-- they couldn’t make it any worse.”

---

Heph: “So-- you think she’ll like it? It’s got the best views around here.”

H: “Yeah. Whoa! If we survive the trip.”

Gal: “Thank you for bringing me here.”

H: “Oh, Galatea, would you-- ?! Hey-- how about Hephaestus, huh? OK, maybe-- on the outside, a little bit-- a little bit rough, OK? But on the inside? [Whistles] There’s a great guy, huh?”

I: “Am I missing something, here?”

Ja: “When you figure it out, tell me.”

---

Heph [Whispers]: “OK, all right. Food, yeah. Uh-- I got cheese, bread-- hi.”

H: “Oh [Chuckles]-- ah-- look at that! Goat cheese so fresh, there’s fur on it! Ha-ha-ha. Hephaestus is amazing, isn’t he? Oh, um-- you know, that Hephaestus is gonna make some girl very, very happy some day.”

Ja: “That’s Hephaestus’ date-- you gotta back off.”

H: “Look-- I’m not doing it-- she is.”

Ja: “Well, you better do something, soon, or he’s gonna notice.”

H: “Galatea?”

Gal: “Yes?”

H: “We have to talk, OK?”

I: “Is that goat cheese?”

---

H [Sighs]: “Galatea-- ya have to lay off.”

Gal: “I can’t do that.”

H: “Why can’t you do that?”

Gal: “Because I don’t want to-- and I have a _very_ strong will.”

H: “You got a strong will? And your senses are keen? And your heart is pure? And-- it’s all because of me.”

Gal: “It’s like-- you can see inside me.”

H: “Galatea-- stop. Listen.”

Heph: “Hercules!”

H: “Hephaestus-- I can explain-- all right?”

Heph: [Yells]

---

[ACT II]

H: “Heph-- just listen to me.”

Heph: “I don’t wanna hear your lies!”

H: “I’m not gonna fight you, all right? We’re brothers.”

Heph: “I don’t care.”

Ja: “That’s enough!”

Heph: “Is this what you want, Hercules? I’ll give you the woman you _deserve_. Come with me!”

Gal: “Hercules!”

Heph: “Get out of the way!”

I: “Man, I’ve never seen Heph angry, before. I don’t wanna see it, again.”

Ja: “Be careful, Hercules. He may be a nice guy, but he’s still a god.”

---

Heph: “If Hercules wants you-- well, he can _have_ you! Your heart burns with passion for him. May your heart be cold as Olympian ice.”

---

H: “He’s just so lonely, that he did something really wrong, you know?”

I: “Poor guy-- he can’t even _build_ a girl to like him. Hmm.”

Ja: “Why was she going after you?”

H: “Mmm-- how should I know? Uh-- Galatea-- listen-- I know how you feel about-- whoa!”

[Fight]

Heph: “Wait a minute!”

H: “What are you tryin’ to do?”

Gal: “I’m tryin’ to_hurt_ you!”

Heph: “I wanted her to _reject_ Hercules, not attack him!”

I: “Whoa-- their first argument’s a doozie.”

Ja: “She’s serious.”

H: [Moans]

Heph: “Oh, this is terrible. I’ve _got_ to help them!”

Ja: “Let me, uh-- . Hey-- how you doin’? I was just-- whoaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ah! Ah! Ah!”

Heph: “She’s trying to hurt you-- and them.”

I: “Uh-- uh-- hi. Whoa! Ja-sonnnnnnnn!”

H: “I’ll get her. You help the guys.”

Heph: “OK.”

---

Ja: “You’ve put on a little weight, Iolaus!”

I: “Tell me about it.”

H: “Yeah-- I gotta get a new approach. Jason! Just hold on, guys! Look, I don’t understand. I thought you liked me.”

Gal: “My heart is closed to you.”

Heph: “Quick-- give me your hand.”

Gal: “What are you doing?!”

H: “I’m trying to save you!”

Heph: “I wanted her to forget him-- not destroy him.”

Ja: “Hephaestus!”

I: “Can you give us a hand, here?!”

Gal: “If you do not let me end now-- I shall only destroy you later! Don’t you believe me?”

H: “Yeah, I believe you.”

Gal: “Then, why do you _do_ this?!”

H: “Because I have to. Why would you-- destroy me?”

Gal: “I have to.”

Heph: “She’s not real. This is all my fault.”

I [?]: “Hercules!”

Ja: “Let me pull you back!”

H: “Get off!”

I: “No, we’re not leaving you here, Herc!”

H: “If you get off, we’ll have a chance to swing to safety! If you don’t, we’re all goin’ down!”

Ja: “OK. Come on.”

Heph: “Galatea-- I can’t leave her! Galatea!”

I: “Heph, she’s not real!”

H: “On the count of three-- we’re just gonna swing. Let go with your hands. One-- two. This is gonna hurt. Three!” [Yells]

Heph: “Nooo! Galatea! Galatea!”

H: “Is she OK?”

Ja: “The bridge couldn’t hold her.”

H: “Hephaestus.”

---

H: “How you doin’, Hephaestus?”

Heph: “I never should have made you. I wanted to believe that you were real. I know she’s not real, Hercules. Why does it still hurt that she’s gone?”

H: “I don’t know. I wish that I did.”