Teacher's Pests Transcript (Novelization)

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Teaser

Hercules: "Come on! Give up!"

Jason: "Ah-- never!"

Hercules: "You're lucky. I almost hadja [sic]."

Jason: "Ah-- in your dreams."

Hercules: "Oh yeah? You're just lucky the bell rang."

Jason: "You're lucky the bell rang."

Hercules: "No-- I think _you're_ lucky the bell rang. So-- got your stuff ready?"

Jason: "Oh, I've been ready for this break days."

Hercules: "I thought you loved this place."

Jason: "I do. Doesn't mean I wanna spend my weekends here."

Hercules: "Well-- I can think of worse things than hanging out here with no one else around-- you know? It'd be nice and quiet."

Jason: "Remind me never to have you plan one of my parties."

Fiducius: "Look out, you! Clumsy! You want a suspension?! Is that what you want?! Huh?!"

Iolaus: [Sing-songy]: "Mmm, yeah, it's you."

Hercules: "Whoo!"

Jason: "Whoa. Smells like a satyr crawled in here and died."

Iolaus: "Yeah, that's very funny. Whoa! Hey, hey! Mi-- ! Mind the hair."

Hercules: "Looks like somebody's got big plans for the weekend, huh? What's up?"

Iolaus: "Well-- if you _losers_ must know-- _I_ have a date-- with Kora."

Hercules: [Laughs]: "Come on. Get serious."

Iolaus: "Hey, what can I say? I guess she decided I'm the man for her."

Hercules: "Whoo."

Jason: "I thought you said you were going to Kora's to ask for work-- like bein' a busboy or sum'in."

Iolaus: "Do I look like the busboy type?"

Hercules: "Ah, you're right-- more like a dishwasher."

Iolaus: "Ahh-- you're just jealous."

Jason: "No, we're hungry."

Iolaus: "Well, I'll tell you what. Last one out the gate-- buys breakfast."

Iolaus: "I think someone owes me a breakfast!"

Hercules: "Nice one, Iolaus. Guys-- I think we're in trouble."

Act One

Fiducius: "Hoodlums! Terrorists!" [Sneezes]

Iolaus: "Bless you."

Fiducius: "Huh?"

Hercules: "Fiducius."

Fiducius: "Huh?"

Hercules: "We're sorry. OK? It was an accident."

Fiducius: "Ha!"

Iolaus: "Yeah-- we were just having a race."

Fiducius: "It was a premeditated malicious attack on a despised authority figure! Don't think-- I don't know how you boys _snicker_ at me behind my back! Keep it up, boys. You're just digging yourselves a bigger hole. This might even affect your permanent record."

Cheiron: "I trust the discipline Fiducius chooses-- will enlighten-- as well as punish."

Fiducius: "You're gonna be enlightened, all right. Boys, if you had any plans for today, forget 'em. You're stuck here with me."

Iolaus: "You can't do that!"

Fiducius: "Why not?"

Iolaus: "Well, because-- I mean-- I mean, I'm sup-I've go-- "

Fiducius: [Interrupting]: "Obviously, you've got me confused with someone who cares."

Iolaus: "Yes, sir."

Fiducius: "See? There are two little words you boys never learned-- respect and responsibility, the keys to an orderly society. You boys show no respect. You boys take no responsibility. When my boy, Pythias, was a student here-- things were different."

Iolaus: "Just kill me now."

Jason: "Ah, I hate this. You really think he's gonna make us work all day?"

Hercules: "Fiducius? The dean of mean? You bet."

Iolaus: "I can't stay here all day. Ah-- there's no way. I've got to get out."

Jason: "Why is that?"

Iolaus: "W-well, you know, I-I got that big date with, uh-- Kora."

Hercules: "Date? You're gonna have to do better than that. Come on; come on."

Iolaus: "OK, I'm a busboy."

Jason: "Ahhh-- there you go. Now, don't you feel better?"

Iolaus: "No, not really. It's my first day. If I don't turn up-- Kora's gonna fire me for sure."

Hercules: "Why don't you just tell Fidicius that?"

Iolaus: "Well, I tried. He couldn't care less. Anyway, how is it gonna prove I wasn't just making it up? So I was, uh-- thinking I might, uh-- sneak out."

Jason: "Are you crazy?"

Hercules: "You get caught, and you'll get out of school."

Iolaus: "Well, if Kora fires me, I can't pay my tuition anyway. The thing is-- I need you guys to cover for me."

Jason: "You gotta be kiddin', Iolaus."

Hercules: "Ah-- I don't think so, you know?"

Iolaus: "Don't you remember why I'm here? Probation. If I'm not in the academy, I'm in jail. I'm goin' to Kora's, whether or not you help me."

Hercules: [Sighs]: "All right. We'll do it."

Iolaus: "Ooh-- you guys are the best. And Jason-- "

Jason: "Don't hug me."

Iolaus: "OK. OK."

Hercules: [Sighs]

Jason: "Oh!"

Hercules: "Huh?"

Jason: "Hercules-- "

Hercules: "Yeah?"

Jason: "I just remembered. I, also-- have, uh-- to go."

Hercules: "Oh, really?"

Jason: "Yeah."

Hercules: [Laughs]: "No!"

Jason: "I can't believe I'm doin' this."

Hercules: "What? You're great with animals. Ah!"

Jason: "You know what I'm talkin' about-- Fiducius would love to catch us pullin' a stunt like this."

Fiducius: "Like what?"

Hercules: "Uh, uh-- well, like nothin', sir."

Fiducius: "You call this 'mucked out'? My boy, Pythias, would be ashamed to let a teacher see such-- shoddy work."

Jason: "Yeah, I'll bet he could really shovel it."

Fiducius: "Huh?"

Jason: "Huh?"

Fiducius: "Wait a minute! Where's that Iolaus?"

Hercules: "Oh-- h-he's-- well, h-he's right up-- i-in the loft, sir."

Fiducius: "Where?"

Hercules: "Ah-- right-- up there. You see? Hey-- uh, Iolaus!"

Fiducius: "I'll go speed him up!"

Hercules: "Uh-- "

Fiducius: "Ho! Hip! Hip! Uh-- heyyyyyyy! My eye! Eee!"

Jason: "Sorry about that. The goat-- the goat."

Hercules: "Hey, Iolaus! Toss me a bale! Hey, thank you!"

Hercules as Iolaus's Voice: "Uh, you're welcome!"

Hercules: "Ha-ha."

Jason: "Hey, we better get that out. You wouldn't want the milk to curdle."

Fiducius: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-- let go of me! Stay alert up there! If you know what's good for you!"

Hercules as Iolaus's Voice: "Yes, sir."

Fiducius: "Clumsy-- undisciplined-- irresponsible!"

Hercules and Jason: [Sighs]

Cadet: "Look at you, Tapert [?]! You're a free man!"

Kora: "A little late-- for our first day, aren't we?"

Iolaus: "Uh-- I'm sorry. It was-- uh, shepherd-- rush hour."

Kora: "Oh-- that's a new one. Look, I'm really busy, today, so I need you to wait tables."

Iolaus: "I'm a waiter? Cool. Do-- waiters get to date the boss? Ow!"

Kora: "Not dead ones."

Iolaus: "Ooh!"

Kora: "Take the table in the corner. Ya got a customer waiting."

Iolaus: "Ow. It's OK-- I'm a waiter. This is just not my day."

Act Two

Cadet: "Come one, let's go to the house of graves, and Mary Field." [I really didn't catch this line.]

Kora: "Uh-- what's with the hat?"

Iolaus: "Uh-- well, I was just-- uh, thinking-- you know? What if all the waiters wore different-- goo-goofy hats? You know? I mean-- ha! Wouldn't that be a cute gimmick?"

Kora: [Laughs]: "We already _have_ a cute gimmick. It's called, 'Serving-- the customers'."

Fiducius: "All these scrolls-- must be filed in strict alphabetical order. When my boy, Pythias, went here, the students knew the value of a precisely orderd library. But nobody reads anymore. Everyone's too busy goin' to plays or, lookin' at sculptures. _Now_, where's Iolaus?!"

Hercules: "Ohhh-- uh-- pssh-- he was right behind me a second ago."

Fiducius: "There's something strange going on-- "

Jason: [Interrupting]: "He went to slop the hogs."

Fiducius: "Slop the hogs?"

Jason: "Yeah."

Fiducius's Voice: "Really?"

Jason: "Yeah."

Hercules: "Slop the hogs."

Fiducius: "Very well. Get to work."

Hercules: "Slop the hogs?"

Jason: "It was the only thing I could think of!"

Fiducius: "Hmm-- slop the hogs."

Jason: "He didn't believe me. That really burns me up!"

Hercules: "Let's hope I can get there first."

Jason: "Is there no trust anymore?"

Cheiron: "Are the oats fresh today?"

I-Disguised: "Uh-- you bet."

Cheiron: "Fine. I'll have the, uh-- vegetarian stuffed grape leaves, and a side order of oats. Thanks."

Iolaus: "Thank you."

Hercules: "Iolaus-- you owe me so big-time."

Fiducius: "Oh! Iolaus, is that you?"

Hercules/Iolaus: "Uh-- yes. Yes, sir."

Fiducius: "You really throw yourself into your work, don't you, boy?"

Hercules/Iolaus: [Laughs]: "Yes, sir."

Fiducius: "I gotta say, it's better than that cologne you were wearing. Carry on. Just-- wash up before you come back in, huh?"

Hercules/Iolaus: "Yes, sir, huh."

Hercules: "Hey, what are _you_ lookin' at, Porky?"

Cadet: "Dickens is pretty strice about a dress code, here."

Kora: "What's going on? Why are you hiding from him?"

Iolaus: "Hiding? Ffff! What do you mean, hiding?"

Man: "Hey! My hat!"

Kora: "Hmm. So?"

Cheiron: "Waiter! More water, please."

Kora: "Mmmm. Mmm."

Hercules: "Hey."

Jason: "Oh-- don't scare me like that. Hey, what happened?"

Hercules: "Oh-- you won't believe it. I get to the pigpen, right?"

Jason: "Oh, that's great. Hey-- you know what these are?"

Hercules: "No."

Jason: "These are student records."

Hercules: "So?"

Jason: "So-- I just dropped most of the F's."

Hercules: "OK."

Jason: "Flanicci."

Hercules: "Wait."

Jason: "Flaenus."

Hercules: "Oh. Jason-- listen, I-I wouldn't mess with this if I was you, OK?"

Jason: "Ahhh-- here we go-- Pythias Fiducius-- as in, 'Back when my boy, Pythias, went to school'. Let's see if he's the, uh-- hotshot big Daddy says he is."

Hercules: "Jason-- I really think that we should put it back. OK."

Jason: "Whoa."

Hercules: "What? Oh. Incompletes? Look at this. He even got a suspension."

Jason: "So much for 'Mr. Perfect Cadet', huh?"

Hercules: "You know what's weird about this? It doesn't even mention him graduating."

Fiducius: "That's because he didn't."

Cheiron: "Thank you, Kora."

Kora: "Come again."

Iolaus: "So-- how am I doing?"

Kora: "Oh, I'd say you're done."

Iolaus: "You mean, I'm fired?"

Kora: "Nah-- I've just had enough entertainment for one day."

Iolaus: "Oh-- great. So, when do I get my pay?"

Kora: "It should just about cover your damages."

Iolaus: "Ah. Gotcha."

Kora: "Now, beat it. I'll see ya next week."

Iolaus: "Thanks-- boss."

Fiducius: "He was a good boy, once-- good student. Made me proud. Then he started getting into scrapes-- small ones at first. I went easy on him-- covered for him-- let him get away with things. He got wilder and wilder-- uncontrollable. I didn't know what to do with him. One day-- he just ran away. You wonder why I'm so hard on you boys. It's because I don't want the same thing to happen to you. I don't want to let you down-- the way I did him."

Hercules: "You can't keep blaming yourself for your son's mistakes. Eventually, you have to let him take responsibility for himself."

Fiducius: "I wish I could. Perhaps when you have children of your own, you'll understand."

Hercules: "Maybe. But I do know that-- I would be the luckiest kid in the world if I had a father who cared about me as you care care about him."

Fiducius: "Huh?"

Iolaus: "Oh-- uh, sorry. I'll come back later."

Hercules: "Iolaus. Uh, listen-- Fiducius. We had to go, OK? He has a job."

Jason: "We said we'd do his work for him."

Iolaus: "Yeah, yeah-- don't blame them. It was my fault."

Cheiron: "So-- how did it go, today?"

Fiducius: "Not quite-- as I expected. But they worked hard. They're good boys."

Cheiron: "Sometimes it's the teacher that learns a lesson. Enjoy the rest of your day. Oh-- one more thing. Iolaus-- "

Iolaus: [Clears throat]: "U-uh-- ye-yes, sir?"

Cheiron: "Your tip."

Iolaus: "Hey!"

Jason: "You owe me."

Iolaus: "For-- ? Oh-- of course."

Hercules: "It's OK. You can buy another dinner, all right?"