Girl Trouble Transcript (Novelization)

« Back to "1.05 Girl Trouble"

Teaser

Zared: "No one-- double-crosses me! Throw him in the hold!"

Traitor: "No! Please! Please, sir! No! No! Please! I beg you! Please! Ahhhhh!"

Zared: "Looks like our cargo won't be needin' dinner tonight!" [Laughs]

Jason: "Uh-- uck, what is it?"

Hercules: "Your guess is as good as mine."

Jason: "That's it. I'm not eatin'. I'm going on a hunger strike."

Iolaus: "You gonna eat that? Hmm-- you know? You picked a really bad time to go on a hunger strike with the harvest festival coming up."

Jason: "All you can eat? All weekend long? No, thank you."

Hercules: "Don't worry about it, Jason. Cheiron promised us a new cook, remember? That's right."

Jason: "There she is."

Iolaus's Voice: "A girl in the academy?"

Iolaus: "A babe-- who can cook."

Jason: "Aw-- I've died and gone to the Elysian Fields."

Iolaus: "No. No, wait! No! I saw her first!"

Jason: "You were busy stuffin' your face!"

Iolaus: "Huh? I'll show you how to stuff your face! Come on!"

Hercules: "Guys, guys, guys, guys. Listen, are we really gonna fight over a beautiful woman, huh?"

Jason and Iolaus: "Yes!"

Hercules: "A-a-all right then, gentlemen-- and I use the term _so_ very loosely-- there's only one way to settle this."

Iolaus: "OK. Through the arch; off the ladder; over the roof; off the well; off the wall; down the steps; nothing but pigpen."

Jason: "It'll never happen-- but good luck."

Arcus: "Whoa! [Yells] Oh!"

Hercules: "Uh, guys, he's out cold. Somebody get some water, all right?"

Jason: "Nice work, Iolaus."

Iolaus: "Hey, it wasn't my fault. that guy stepped right into it."

Hercules: "Listen, you gonna be OK, buddy? You all right?"

Arcus: "Yeah."

Hercules: "Yeah?"

Iolaus: "Hey, never mind that. Just get him on his feet before Cheiron sees us. I mean, the last thing we want is old 'Mr. Pearls of wisdom'. 'Look-- you boys look silly with that ball-- ' He's behind me, isn't he? Hey."

Cheiron: "You all right, Arcus?"

Arcus: "Yeah. Sure-- no problem."

Cheiron: "Looks like I've lost a messenger-- which means-- you boys are going to Athens."

Iolaus: "Athens? What's in Athens?"

Cheiron: "Find us a new cook."

Hercules: "Uh, a c-- uh, oh-- well, we thought that, you know, a, ah-- well, if Arcus was gonna go find the cook, then, uh-- who's she?"

Lilith: "I'm Lilith."

Cheiron: "Gentlemen-- meet our newest cadet."

Iolaus: "Ha-ha! What?! Aw-- come on, she's-- she's-- "

Lilith: "What?"

Iolaus: "She's-- gonna be just fine."

Lilith: "So-- you cadets always use messengers for target practice?"

Iolaus: "You know? There's no need for us all to miss the harvest festival. Later. Hey, uh-- no, I was-- I was-- let's go."

Act One

Hercules's Voice: "We are missing the entire harvest festival 'cause we're stuck lookin' for a cook."

Iolaus's Voice: "What?! Like this is all my fault."

Jason's Voice: "You knocked out the messenger."

Iolaus's Voice: "Not on purpose."

Jason: "There's gotta be a decent cook closer than Athens."

Iolaus: "Yeah. Hey, Herc-- Zeus must know some pretty decent cooks. Why don't you just get him to zap one down here?"

Jason: "Aye!"

Hercules: "I don't even talk to my father, never mind ask him for favors."

Jason: "It's gonna take a week to walk to Athens and back."

Iolaus: "Yeah, well, the shooting contest wasn't my idea."

Hercules: "Hey-- what was I supposed to do, huh? You two were about to deck each other over our new classmate."

Jason: "How could we know she was a cadet?"

Iolaus: "Yeah-- she didn't look like a cadet."

Jason: "Whoever heard of a girl cadet?"

Iolaus: "Yeah, exactly. Girls are supposed to be-- sweet and gentle."

Jason: "Why is that? Is that all you can handle?"

Hercules: "That's assuming he can even get a date." [They laugh.]

Iolaus: "Hey, I got an idea."

Hercules: "Huh? Oh, not again."

Iolaus: "Look-- let's hire a boat. We'll gget to Athens in no time. And-- it'll give us a chance to, uh-- check out the sights-- if you catch my drift."

Hercules: "We can't afford a boat."

Iolaus: "Who needs money? I'll just turn on the old Iolaus charm."

Hercules: "The old Iolaus charm, huh?"

Iolaus: "What? We're on a boat. We're headed towards Athens-- aren't we?"

Jason: "By the time we get there, we're gonna be too tired to do anything."

Iolaus: "Eh."

Jason: "How you doin'?"

Iolaus: "Good."

Hercules: "You thirsty?"

Iolaus: "What?"

Hercules: "Huh?"

Zared: "That's enough!"

Jason: "Who died and made you captain?"

Zared: "The name's Zared-- if you want to stay on board my boat-- you'll do your work-- stay out of my way. And never-- get near my cargo."

Hercules: "Whatever."

Iolaus: "Friendly guy."

Jason: "What a freak."

Jason: "Hey! Hey!"

Iolaus: "What? Oh, right-- yeah, yeah, yeah."

Hercules: "Iolaus, what's your problem?"

Iolaus: "I've been thinking. I wanna know what's in that cargo hold. Whoa, whoa, whoa-- look. Whoa. Whoa."

Hercules: "Listen, I know what you're thinkin', Iolaus, OK? Just forget it."

Iolaus: "Aw, come on, Herc. Aren't you just a little bit curious to find out what's in there?"

Jason: "Sure he is. So am I. But you heard Zared. Keep your nose out of there."

Hercules: "Jason's right, all right? Rules are rules. Iolaus."

Iolaus: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rules are rules."

Hercules: "Iolaus. Iolaus! Jason. He's going for the cargo. Iolaus!"

Zared: "Thieves! Stop them!"

Iolaus: "Whoa!"

Hercules: "Iolaus!"

[Fight]

Hercules: "Get the barrel. I'll get the swords."

Jason: "We have to get Iolaus."

Jason and Hercules: [Yell]

Hercules: "Amazons."

Act Two

Jason: "What have you Amazons done with Iolaus?"

Iolaus: "Ah, not enough, if you ask me."

Hercules: "Iolaus! You OK?

Iolaus: "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

Jason: "I thought they were supposed to be man-haters."

Hercules: "Yeah."

Iolaus: "Yeah, well, they don't hurt good-_looking_ men."

Cyane: "We don't hurt boys, or he'd be in chains already. My name's Cyane, leader of the Telaquire Amazon nation."

Hercules: "Oh-- I'm Hercules."

Jason: "Um-- Jason."

Iolaus: "Um-- Iolaus. We, uh-- we-we me."

Hercules: "Hey, you're the cargo Zared plans to take to Athens. People should not be cargo."

Cyane: "My sisters and I plan to take over this ship. You'll either help us or go down with the rest."

Hercules: [Chuckles] "Well-- kind of sounds like an order to me."

Cyane: "It is. I'm in charge here."

Hercules: "Oh-- well-- with all due respect, with those chains around your ankles, you're not much match for Zared's men. You're gonna need our help."

Cyane: "OK. So you can join us. But if we find that you've deceived us-- I'll feed you to the sharks."

Iolaus: "Oh, gee, that's fair."

Jason: "We gotta find a way to get those chains off."

Hercules: "Yeah-- if only we had the key."

Iolaus: "Mmm."

Hercules: "Wait a second."

Iolaus: "Whoa. Hey. Whoa! Come on!"

Jason: "No, no, no-- relax."

Iolaus: "Come on! That tickles!"

Hercules: "Ah."

Iolaus: "Oh, right-- that's what you wanted."

Hercules: "We'll unlock the Amazons, and we'll attack in the morning."

Iolaus: "Morning, huh?"

Hercules: "Yeah."

Iolaus: "Well, it looks like someone's got a busy night ahead. Hi, I'm Iolaus."

Hercules: "Three, two, one."

Iolaus: "Ooh! Feisty! I can work with that."

Man's Voice: "Lights out! All lights out! Lights out!"

Cyane: "I don't bite."

Hercules: "I know. I just wanted, uh-- to let you go first."

Cyane: "You've never seen an Amazon, before, huh?"

Hercules: "Well-- no, but I've heard things."

Cyane: "That we're thieves and-- murderers, and baby-snatchers. We hate all men and corrupt all women, right?"

Hercules: "Uh-huh. Is it true?"

Cyane: "No. Thousands of years ago, all the men in our village were wiped out in a single battle. From then on, our ancestors knew that our women needed to be strong. So, as for men, we just-- learned to live without them."

Hercules: "What about your male children?"

Cyane: "Oh, they're returned to their fathers. The girls stay here with us and are raised as Amazons-- although, I only speak for the Telaquire Amazons-- my tribe."

Hercules: "There's more of you?"

Cyane: "Yeah-- twelve in all. We were separated during the great war with the Centaurs. And one day we do hope to reunite."

Hercules: "I've heard Centaurs talk about that war."

Cyane: "You have Centaur friends."

Hercules: "Well, yeah."

Cyane: "Well, that explains your hatred of the Amazons, then."

Hercules: "Whoa-- no, no. See, uh-- I don't hate anybody."

Hercules: "So-- you haven't told me how Zared captured you."

Cyane: "He didn't. We were tricked by a god."

Hercules: "Which god?"

Cyane: "The cruelest of them all-- Zeus."

Hercules: "Are you sure?"

Cyane: "Zeus told us to leave our land-- and when we refused, he took us by force, turning us over to Zared."

Hercules: "Wait. That's impossible."

Cyane: "That's the truth."

Hercules: "Zeus doesn't harm innocent people."

Cyane: "You're naive, Hercules. Look, I used to think that-- the gods of Olympus were fair and just. Now, I know that they do things out of hatred and spite. I'm sorry. These have been-- difficult days."

Hercules: "It's OK. I know a little bit about how hard the gods can be."

Men's Voices: "Sound the morning call!" "Get to work!"

Man's Voice: "Land ho!"

Cyane: "All right-- let's break through the hatch door."

Hercules: "Whoa-- listen to me. Now, you do that, and you'll have all of Zared's men out there wating for you."

Cyane: "Oh, you got a better idea?"

Hercules: "I think so. We're gonna need the help of someone sneaky-- someone underhanded-- somebody conniving."

Iolaus: "I'll take that as a compliment."

Iolaus's Voice: "Oh! Oh! We've sprung a leak! Oh, help us! Help us! We're taking on water!"

Sailor: "Well, go help!"

Iolaus's Voice: "We're all gonna drown! We're all gonna die!"

Sailor: "Gotta do something! Quick! Open the hold!"

I's Voice: "Hold me! Oh, no! Help us! We're sinking! Oh! Oh! It's-- oh! Oh. Uh-oh."

[Fight]

Hercules: "OK. Any time, ladies-- anytime!"

Hercules's Voice: "Iolaus! Duck!"

Man's Voice: "Behind you!"

Hercules's Voice: "Coming through!"

Zared: "Fools! Get them! Use your bows!"

Hercules: "Cyane! Yes!"

Zared: "If I stop the leader-- I win the war. Goodbye, Amazon Queen."

Cyane: "Nice catch."

Hercules: "It was OK."

Cyane: "Not bad-- for a boy."

All: [Cheer]

Amazon's Voice: "We did it!"

Hercules: "So-- where do you think Zared and his men are now?"

Cyane: "Well-- if this wind holds, they should be in Carthage-- where slave-trading is illegal-- I might add."

Iolaus: "Hey, uh-- Cyane. We're headed towards Athens. Uh-- you care to join us?"

Cyane: "Nah-- thanks, Iolaus-- but, we better be on our way."

Iolaus: "Oh."

Cyane: "Uh-- look, I just-- I wanna apologize-- for-- doubting you and your friends."

Hercules: "Uh, no-- uh-- I need to apologize to you. You know, I was, uh-- I was wrong about the Amazons, and I was wrong about you, and-- I hope your new homeland is everything you dream of."

Cyane: "Oh, thank you, Hercules, for-- helping us win our freedom back."

Iolaus: "Hey, Herc. Whoa! Whoa. Sorry. Anyway, uh-- Cyane-- maybe when you gals, uh, you know-- find your new home, you might wanna look us up."

Jason: "They're Amazons, Iolaus. They don't look men up. They conquer them. Right?"

Hercules: "Well-- I thought you liked your women sweet and gentle, Iolaus."

Iolaus: "Well, you know-- Cheiron said ya-- gotta keep your options open."

Hercules: "Yeah-- sounds good to me. Well-- we got a new cook to find, right?"

Jason's Voice: "Yep."

Hercules: "Yeah."

Iolaus: "Hey, you don't suppose one of the Amazons might like the job."

Hercules: "Somehow, Iolaus, I don't think they're the cooking kind-- you know?"

Iolaus: "Hey, you think maybe the Amazons need a cook?"

Hercules: "You can't cook."

Iolaus: "They don't know that."