The Treasure of Zeus Transcript (Novelization)

"The Treasure of Zeus, Part I" [TEASER]

Strife:

Ares: "Ya know? Being a god... living in Olympus... is no job for a weakling. Take me for example. The God of War - even I have to work hard."

Strife: "I'm tired of being a nobody, Ares. I mean, 'Strife... the-God-of-War's-Nephew'... I mean, what does it say to anybody? I mean, I'm ready for the big time. Why can't I be, uh- 'Disaster', or, uh, 'Catastrophe'? Okay, well that's hard to spell."

Ares: "If you wanna be a real god, you gotta prove yourself worthy! Ya gotta act like a god, and make mortals suffer!"

Strife: "Been there, done that. I'm Strife! I'm bad!"

Ares: "Try 'naughty'. If you were any good at being bad, you'd dare what no god has dared before: destroy a mortal son of Zeus."

Strife: "Ah-ha! You mean Hercules."

Ares: "My half-brother! Alcmene's brat! The apple of my father's all-seeing eye!"

Strife: "Yeah."

Ares: "Hera wants him gone, and so do I."

Strife: "Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out."

Ares: "Don't get up."

Strife: "No god can destroy Hercules without being fried - forever - by Zeus. Am I right, or am I right?"

Ares: "You're half right. Obviously, we can't attack him directly. But sometimes a little strife can lead to a major... catastrophe."

Strife: "Yeah. Hercules..."

---

Strife's Voice: "Here I come."

Hercules: "Ah. Ah. Ha-ha. Huh?"

[Fight]

Alcmene: "Hercules."

Hercules: "He attacked me, Ma. Iolaus."

Iolaus: "Hey."

Hercules: "You been workin' out?"

Iolaus: "Hey, expect the unexpected. I was moppin' the floor with you till your mom saved ya."

Hercules: "Oh, really?"

Alcmene: "How about mopping the floor with this."

Hercules: "Bye. Hey, Iolaus."

Iolaus: "What?"

Hercules: "Expect the unexpected."

---

[ACT I]

Iolaus: "Ah-- you missed a spot-- huh?"

Hercules: "Oh, no you don't."

[Back and forth banter]

Hercules: "Oh, really?"

Alcmene: "Hercules?"

Hercules: "Yeah? Oh. Uh-huh?"

Alcmene: "I've packed your things for the academy."

Iolaus: "I'll go grab my stuff."

Hercules: "Thanks. You know? There's still a lot of work left to do. I could, uh-"

Alcmene: "How do you think I get by when you're off at the academy?"

Hercules: "I don't know. I know Zeus doesn't help."

Alcmene: "Oh, Hercules. I wish you weren't so obsessed with your father. Since you were little, you've taken every dare - no matter how dangerous or how foolish - always trying to prove worthy of Zeus."

Hercules: "That's not true."

Alcmene: "Even though you've never met your father, you can't escape your birthright. But what you become - that's in your hands. Be a good man."

Hercules: "Be nothing like Zeus."

Alcmene: "Hercules."

Hercules: "Mom. He abandoned you."

Alcmene: "He gave me the thing I treasure most: You."

Hercules: "Oh, uh-"

Alcmene: "Now, get going, both of you, before I put you back to work."

Hercules: "Okay, huh."

Alcmene: "Take care, Hercules."

Hercules: "Goodbye."

Alcmene: "Bye."

Iolaus: "Bye, Alcmene. Thanks for everything. 'Mommy! Bye, Mommy! I'll miss you, Mommy!'"

---

Herc's Voice: "Last decent meal before Cheiron and his academy food."

Jason: "Hercules, Iolaus."

Hercules: "Jason!"

Iolaus: "Hey!"

Hercules: "Looking good. How're things in Corinth?"

Jason: "Ah, same old, same old. How's your mom?"

Hercules: "She's Okay."

Jason: "Hey, you been workin' out?"

Iolaus: "Yeah, just enough to kick your royal backside."

Jason: "Yeah? You and who else?"

Iolaus: "Hey, is that new? It looks like fine Corinthian leather... almost fit for a king."

Hercules: "Hey, does it come with a matching crown?"

Jason: "Knock it off, knock it off. That's what I like about Cheiron's academy. There, I'm just a student; I'm not a prince."

Kora: "Did I hear that right? You some kind of prince?"

Jason: "Uh, yeah. Yeah, actually, I'm gonna be the King of Corinth."

Herc and Iolaus: "Just another student."

Hercules: "Right."

Jason: "Maybe, if you're ever in Corinth, you could drop by and I could show you the palace."

Kora: "Gee, a palace? I think I might faint! Now, are you two archdukes gonna order, or are you waiting for the king's leftovers?"

Herc and Iolaus: "Uh-- "

Iolaus: "We'll have what he's having and, put all three on my bill..."

Kora: "Mm-hmm, looks empty. No dinars, no dinner."

Jason: "That's okay. That's okay. I'm buyin'."

Iolaus: "Um- I'm really tight with the owner here. He always gives me credit."

Kora: "Nice try, curly. I'm the owner."

Man's Voice: "Get ready. Here comes Strife."

Hercules: "Tuition's due this week. How you gonna pay for it if you're broke?"

Iolaus: "Uh, who says I'm broke?"

Strife (in disguise as Nysus): "Not so rough, guys."

Hercules: "Why don't you keep your hooves to yourself?"

Satyr: "What're you gonna do about it?"

Nysus: "Please, no violence. We're all humans, here... more or less."

Iolaus: "If I were you, I'd get out of the way."

Man's Voice: "Academy punks."

Kora: "Hold it right there! You kiddies wanna play, you take it outside. If I want things broken around here, I'll hire a dishwasher."

Satyr's Voice: "Yeah, like they know how to fight."

Kora: "Looks like I'm gonna have to put up a sign: 'No shirt, no feet, no service.'"

Nysus: "Hey, thanks for standing up for me."

Hercules: "No problem. Listen... what's your name?"

Nysus: [stuttering] "Ny-Nysus Gaius. I'm headin' off to Cheiron's Academy. I'm gonna be the new top student there."

Jason: "Really?"

Hercules: "That's great. You wanna come sit down?"

Nysus: "Surely."

Hercules: "Let's go."

---

Hercules: "You know what the hardest part of the academy is?"

Nysus: "What?"

Hercules: "The ground."

Nysus: "What?"

Hercules: "Nysus, say hello to Cheiron, our headmaster."

Nysus: "Oh, hi, sir. I didn't recognize you."

Cheiron: "I see you're showing the new cadet the ropes. I hope you're being gentle with him."

Hercules: "As gentle as if you were teaching him yourself, sir."

Cheiron: "The tree that grows on the stoniest ground has the strongest roots."

Nysus: "And my uncle said I was hard to understand. Does he always talk in roots?"

Hercules: "Yep."

Strife: "Uh."

Hercules: "You'll get used to it. Come on. Let's try that drill again."

Nysus: "My uncle's the reason why I'm here. He used to tell me about this place: The Academy. And a cave - up on the mountain."

Hercules: "What cave?"

Nysus: "Ah, it's nothing famous. They got a chalice there, made by Zeus himself."

Cheiron: "Watch your footwork, Hercules!"

---

Hercules: "Uh, hey, hey, Nysus. Ah, how you doin'? Good. Listen, um... I was just wondering... you know that chalice you were telling me about? The one in the cave? Did you say that Zeus made it?"

Nysus: "Wedding present for Hera. But they say he wants it back, now that they don't see much of each other."

Hercules: "Oh. Well, uh, if he wants it back, why doesn't he just take it?"

Nysus: "Well, maybe he promised not to. Even Zeus has to keep his word. [Chuckles] All this fuss over an ugly old cup she probably never even used."

Hercules: "Yeah, you know? She probably never even used it, anyway, right?"

Nysus: "Yeah. Ha."

Hercules: "Thanks, Nysus."

Nysus: "OK." [Chuckles]

Ares' Voice: "Strife."

Ares: "Is my dear brother hooked?"

Strife: "Like a little fish, Uncle. Ready for Hera to fry."

---

[ACT II]

Iolaus: "A-ha! Uh, I've gotta quit doing that."

Jason: "If Cheiron catches you sneakin' out after curfew, he'll kick your rear - and he can really kick."

Iolaus: "I bet he's sneakin' off to see that girl at the inn."

Jason: "She liked me more than him."

H [Interrupting]: "Guys, she didn't like any of us, all right?"

Iolaus: "Hmm."

Jason: "Good point. Well, if you're not goin' to the inn, where are you going?"

Iolaus: "Yeah, there's nowhere else to go around here."

Hercules: "There's a cave. It's up in the mountains. There's treasure hidden inside it."

Iolaus: "The old treasure-in-the-cave story. Come on."

Hercules: "It's dangerous, OK? And I don't wanna get you both hurt."

Iolaus: "He's tryin' to get rid of us."

Jason: "Keep all the glory for himself."

Iolaus: "I don't care about the glory. I just want the treasure. Hey, uh, Herc. So... what're we talkin' about here? Is it gold? Silver?"

Hercules: "It's a chalice."

Iolaus: "A chalice?"

Jason: "A goblet. A drinking cup."

Iolaus: "Thank you, Jason. I know what a chalice is. I mean, is it gold?"

Hercules: "Well, I don't really know what it's made of, you know? All I know is that, uh... it belongs to Zeus."

Iolaus: "Whoa. Hold it. Time out. You're gonna snag a chalice that belongs to Zeus? Is this one of those father-son things?"

Hercules: "No. Listen, it's not like that this time. I'm not takin' it from Zeus... I'm takin' it back to him."

Jason: "We're gonna spend all night, climbing a mountain, so you can get a pat on the back from your dad?"

Hercules: "I didn't ask you two to come, and I can do this on my own."

Iolaus: "All right, all right, we'll come with you. But if there's anything in the chalice, like gold, we split it three ways."

Hercules: "Two ways. All I want is the chalice."

Jason: "One way. I'm just comin' along to keep you jerks out of trouble."

Iolaus: "I love you guys."

---

Iolaus's Voice : "Where are the guards protecting this thing?"

Jason's Voice: "You figure, a chalice that belongs to the king of the gods would be protected."

Jason: "There's no one around here."

Iolaus: "Yeah, how hard can it be?"

Jason: "Really?"

Hercules: "Ask him."

Iolaus: "Uh... just in case."

Jason: "Just in case."

Hercules: "Uh, uh-- I'm just gonna-- excuse me."

Iolaus: "So... what kind of cave is this, anyway? Are there slimy things in it? 'Cause I really hate those slimy things that live in caves."

Hercules: "Whoa. Whoa. Come on. Get down. Get down."

Jason: "What?"

Hercules: "I think it's a phoenix cave."

Iolaus: "Well, how do you know?"

Hercules: "Well, there's a phoenix sitting on top of it.""

Iolaus: "That thing's twenty feet tall."

Hercules: "Yeah. It-it's probably just a statue to scare people away, huh?"

Iolaus: "You sure?"

Hercules: "Well... no."

Jason: "There's only one way to find out."

Ja and Hercules: "One. Two. Three."

Iolaus: "Hey, sounds like wood."

Jason: "Oh, you think so?"

Hercules: "Come on. Let's do it."

---

Hercules: "Whoa, whoa. Well, it's a booby trap."

Iolaus: "Eh, it looks easy enough."

Jason: "All right, let's think about this."

Hercules: "Iolaus!"

Iolaus: "See?"

Hercules: "Iolaus! Don't let go."

Jason: "You never listen, do you? I just got done saying that we need to think about this, and then you go-- "

Hercules [Interrupting]: "Hey, hey, Jason! Talk about bad timing."

Iolaus: "Thanks for the lecture, Jason."

Jason: "You never listen."

Iolaus: "You know, I might be falling-"

Jason: "You deserve it!"

Hercules [Interrupting}: "Hey, hey, hey! Shh!"

---

Boys: "The chalice." "Cool." Iolaus: "Zeus does nice work."

Jason: "Look out!"

Hercules: "Thanks."

Iolaus: "What do you think's in it?"

Hercules: "I don't know. It could be a trap."

Iolaus: "Oh, uh... you have a look, then."

Hercules: "Okay. It looks like water."

Jason: "Maybe the cave leaks."

Iolaus: "Ah, let me see that. You telling me I came all this way for a drink of water?"

Jason: "Hey, I think, uh... I think we should get out of here."

---

Iolaus: "Remember that time when they served us beans in the dining hall for a whole week straight?"

Jason: "We had a blast."

Boys: [laughing]

---

Hercules: "Everybody'll be in the training hall by now."

Iolaus: "Great, I missed breakfast. All for this dumb cup."

Hercules: "Iolaus! Iolaus!"

Iolaus: "Hey, Herc! You gonna do something, or what?!"

Hercules: "What do you think I'm tryin' to do?!"

Iolaus: "Whoooooooaaaaa! Thanks, Jase. Herc! Hang on!"

Hercules: "Oh, like I have a choice?!"

Strife: "Oh-ho-ho. Have a nice fli-ight."

---

[To be continued]