Lyre, Liar Transcript (Novelization)

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Teaser

Narrator: "Last time, on Young Hercules-- "

Hercules: "Who's Bacchus?"

Orpheus: "Bacchus is the god of good times."

Eurydice: "Be one of us-- forever-forever."

Hercules: "That's a nice lyre you have there."

Orpheus: "Have you ever seen anything like it?"

Hercules: "Bacchus has one."

Orpheus: "Had one. It's mine, now."

Orpheus's Voice: "And through it, I can touch the very souls of my audience."

Hercules's Voice: "Eurydice, there's something very wrong."

Eurydice: "Everything's fine."

Bacchus: "Hercules knows."

Hercules: "You made a deal with Bacchus?"

Bacchus: "Rah-h-h-h! You're both mine, again!"

Eurydice: "Never."

Bacchus: "Foolish mortal!"

Bacchus: "Well, so much for glory-- and for Bacchus' lyre."

Man's Voice: "Farmers' market!"

Iolaus's Voice: "Aw, is this the best Spanikopita you ever ate? I mean, if there's ever a party on Mount Olympus, I bet these guys do the catering, huh?"

Hercules: "No, they don't."

Iolaus: "Oh-- come on. It was a joke, Herc. You know? Ever since Eurydice left, you've been a real drag."

Hercules: "No, I haven't. OK?"

Iolaus: "Oh? Oh, really?"

Hercules: "Yes."

Iolaus: "OK. Well-- here's a little pop quiz. Who-- is Eurydice's boyfriend? A-- Orpheus. B-- Hercules."

Hercules: "It's B-- it's Hercules."

Iolaus: "No, wrong. It's Orpheus. And what are Orpheus and Eurydice doing-- right now?"

Hercules: "Oh-h-h-h. Can we not talk about this, please?"

Iolaus: "Ooh, wrong again. The correct answer-- is they're off hiding someplace from Bacchus-- god of wild parties-- and big grudges-- who is really mad at them right now."

Iolaus: "So-- so, forget-- Eurydice-- OK? Because you're never gonna see that girl again."

Hercules's Voice: "Eurydice?"

Iolaus: "Yes, Eurydice."

Hercules: "No. No. Eurydice!"

Eurydice: "Hercules! Iolaus!"

Iolaus: "'Course, I-- have been wrong before. Hi!"

Hercules: "Uh. Hello! It's, uh-- hi! What are you doin' here?"

Eurydice: "We got a small farm just east of town."

Hercules's Voice: "Oh."

Iolaus's Voice: "Oh."

Hercules: "`We.'"

Iolaus: "And, uh-- where's-- Orpheus? You know? The love of your life?"

Eurydice: "Over there-- tryin' to-- buy a donkey."

Iolaus's Voice: "A donkey."

Eurydice: "Mm-hmm."

Iolaus's Voice: "Oh."

Hercules: "Oh."

Iolaus: "I'm gonna-- I'm gonna-- let you two, uh-- chat."

Hercules: "Yeah."

Eurydice and Hercules: "So! You go first. You go first."

Hercules: "You go. Go."

Eurydice: "Oh-- Hercules. I've missed you."

Hercules: "Oh. Oh. Uh."

Iolaus: "You know? Orpheus-- I've gotta say-- I really admire what you did for Eurydice. You know? Throwing Bacchus' lyre off the cliff. I mean-- the way that thing could move an audience-- it was like magic. You know? And the women [Whistles]-- they loved it. I mean-- they really-- "

Orpheus: "Yeah."

Iolaus: "-- giving all that up-- must've been rough."

Orpheus: "More than you know."

Eurydice: "I was glad to leave that life behind. Not Orpheus-- all he does is talk about the concerts and the crowds."

Hercules: "Oh. So, uh-- does that make it hard for you to stay with him?"

Eurydice: "He helped me get away from Bacchus' cult. And he gave up his music career to stay with me. I owe him a lot."

Orpheus: "Eurydice. Hercules."

Hercules: "Oh."

Orpheus: "Hey."

Girl: [Gasps]: "Look! It's-- Orpheus!"

2nd Girl: "Oh! I love you!"

Girl's Voice: "Orpheus!"

Orpheus: "Hi, girls."

Hercules: "They're bacchae."

Act One

Iolaus: "This town has really gone to the dogs."

Hercules: "How did they know we were here? Huh?"

Eurydice: "Good question."

Orpheus: "Don't look at me."

[Fight]

Bacchae: "Ah-h-h-- Bacchus' lyre."

Eurydice: "What?!"

Orpheus: "It's mine!"

Iolaus: "So, that's how the bacchae tracked him down. They sniffed out the lyre. Except I thought he threw it off the cliff. I saw him do it."

Hercules: "It was the case that he threw off the cliff. I guess there was nothin' in it."

Iolaus: "Whoa, and they call me sneaky."

Eurydice: "Hmmmm."

Orpheus: "Eurydice."

Eurydice: "How could you lie to me?!"

Orpheus: "Look. Uh-- I-I know you're probably a little upset, but, uh-- don't do anything crazy."

Eurydice: "What? Like this?"

Orpheus: "Whoa. No!"

Eurydice: "Hey! We are talking here! Back off! You-- lying-- weasel!"

Hercules: "Eurydice. Wait!"

Eurydice: "What for?"

Orpheus: "I can't breathe!"

Hercules: "You. You are lower than somethin'-- really low!"

Orpheus: "All right. All right. So, I kept the lyre. I had to. Come on, you saw what happened when I played that thing in concert! People went nuts! Do you know how that feels?!"

Hercules: "No, I don't know how that feels. How do you think Eurydice _feels_, huh?! You lied to her! You put the both of you in extreme danger, huh?! As long as you have that thing, Bacchus will never leave you two alone."

Orpheus: "No. Look-- I know how Bacchus operates."

Hercules: "Oh-h-h-h-h."

Orpheus: "He'll get bored! He'll forget about us. Then Eurydice and I can get a new band. We can-we can tour again. We'll be happy."

Hercules: "You'll be happy. You'll be a star. Eurydice will go back to standing in your shadow. And I got news for you, buddy-- she doesn't want that anymore, OK?"

Orpheus: "Oh, really?"

Hercules: "Really."

Orpheus: "And how do you know what she wants?!"

Iolaus: "Hey. Hey. Never mind what she wants! Does anyone know where she went?!"

Hercules: "I think I know where."

Bacchus: "Somebody better go out there-- find Orpheus-- and bring me back my special-- lyre-- or I'm gonna get very, very cranky. You got that? Ah-h-h. Eurydice. To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?"

Eurydice: "You know why I'm here."

Bacchus: "You're returning my enchanted lyre. You know, I-- knew I was missing something. And yet, I sense your act of kindness-- comes with a condition. Tell me, fairest of all my children-- what-- do you want?"

Eurydice: "I want you-- to leave us-- alone."

Bacchus: "No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm afraid I just can't do that. I gave Orpheus the fame he craved, and he repaid me with treachery."

Eurydice: "That's between you and Orpheus."

Bacchus: "What did I hear? You don't care what I do to Orpheus? I wonder-- this `Us' you speak of-- could it be you-- and Hercules?"

Eurydice: "That's ridiculous."

Bacchus: "Is it? There was a time, Eurydice-- when you had those same feelings for me-- when you sat beside my throne-- as the most favored of all my bacchae."

Eurydice: "I'm not a bacchae anymore-- not since you made that deal with Orpheus."

Bacchus: "Yes. I let you go. I knew you would tire of Orpheus-- and return to me. but now-- to be replaced for a second time by Hercules! I will destroy him! [Echoes]"

Eurydice: "He doesn't deserve it!"

Bacchus: "And just how do you plan to stop me?"

Eurydice: "I think you know."

Iolaus: "Aw, come on, Hercules. We don't even know where Eurydice is. I mean, maybe she went back to the cliff and threw the lyre in the ocean."

Hercules: "She wouldn't do that. Just relax, all right? That would only make Bacchus more angry. My guess is she took the lyre back to Bacchus in order to get Orpheus off the hook-- _not_-- that he deserves it."

Orpheus: "You know? I'm up to _here_ with the insults. What's your problem?!"

Hercules: "You're my problem. Eurydice's out there risking her life for you, and all you can do is think about booking your next concert!"

Orpheus: "You don't know what you're talking about! I love Eurydice!"

Iolaus: "Hey! Hey! Hey! You wanna save it for Bacchus?!"

Bacchus's Voice: "That's right, gentlemen. We wouldn't want to waste our strength, would we?"

Act One

Hercules: "What're ya doin' here?"

Eurydice: "I could ask the same thing about you."

Hercules: "Well, uh-- just another daring rescue, you know? That's, uh-- not really workin' out the way I'd _planned_."

Eurydice: "I'm serious, Hercules. This is crazy."

Hercules: "I tried to talk Orpheus out of this, but-- "

Eurydice: "Oh, please, Hercules-- Orpheus isn't here to save me. He wants the lyre. That's all that matters to him."

Hercules: "Well-- "

Eurydice: "You always tell the truth, Hercules. That's what I like about you. Don't start lying to me, now. I feel bad enough about the way I treated you before."

Hercules: "Then you just forget about before, OK? Now, you were a bacchae when we met."

Eurydice: "I did so many horrible things."

Hercules: "Listen-- you broke away from Bacchus and I got to know the real you. You risked your life coming down here."

Eurydice: "Hercules-- this'll all be over soon-- and you'll be free. I've worked it all out. Goodbye, Hercules."

Hercules: "Goodbye? Wait a second. You worked-you worked _what_ out?! What-- ?"

Iolaus: "Ooh, this is nice. So, what's the occasion?"

Bacchae: "On your knees, worm!"

Iolaus and Hercules: "Uh-oh."

Orpheus: "Hey-- there's the lyre."

Iolaus: "Go stuff a grape leaf, will ya?"

Orpheus: "Well, what'd I say?"

Iolaus: "Well, I guess we're in time for the floor show, huh?"

Hercules: "Shh."

Bacchus: "Welcome, my children! And-- uninvited guests. [Laughs] Mmm-mmm. It pleases me that you're all here today, to witness a truly-- glorious event."

Iolaus: "Holy Zeus."

Hercules: "Eurydice!"

Orpheus: "What is she doin'?!"

Bacchus: "Darling. Today! We unite-- the eternal-- with the temporal! Eurydice and I shall be joined as one-- and together-- we shall reign over the bacchae kingdom!"

Hercules: "There is no-- way! Why didn't you tell me?"

Eurydice: "But I did tell you. I worked it out."

Bacchus: "Oh-- isn't-- she sweet? And so thoughtful-- right to the very end-- _your_ end."

Eurydice: "But you promised you'd leave him alone!"

Hercules: [Yells]

[Fight]

Orpheus: "Luna-- Octavia-- you don't wanna hurt me! Think about all the good times we had!"

Iolaus: "Uh! Take-- that! Smells like trouble!"

Hercules: "Iolaus-- "

Iolaus: "Well, come on! I always wanted to say that!"

Eurydice: "Orpheus?!"

Orpheus: "Uh. Ah! Eurydice, what are you gonna do?!"

Eurydice: "I'm cutting you loose. Hercules!"

Hercules: "Eurydice! Oh! Mmm!"

Orpheus: "Eurydice!"

Iolaus: "Ah-- that's very cute, but could we wait till we're out of here?"

Eurydice: "Follow me!"

Orpheus: "Wait! We have to get the lyre!"

Iolaus: "Forget it! It's firewood!"

Hercules: "Where's Orpheus?"

Iolaus: "Uh, he went back for the lyre."

Eurydice: "Oh."

Bacchus: "Orpheus has outlived his usefulness."

Hercules: "Iolaus-- get Orpheus outta here."

Iolaus: "Herc-- come on-- I'm not gonna let-- "

Hercules: [Interrupts]: "Just-- do it. All right?"

Iolaus: "Come on!"

Bacchus: "And now, Hercules-- you shall pay for your defiance. Yah!"

Eurydice: "Look out!" [Screams]

Hercules: "No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

Bacchus: "It can't be."

Hercules: "You stay there. I'm gonna go get help, OK?"

Eurydice: "No, Hercules"-- don't leave me."

Hercules: "Then why did you do that?"

Eurydice: "Just another daring rescue."

Hercules: "Shhh."

Eurydice: "Listen, Hercules-- don't give up-- on yourself. That's how Bacchus got to me. I'd lost hope in my own future. Sorry-- I met you-- too late."

Bacchus: "No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o! You confused her-- turned her against me."

Hercules: "You really believe that? Well, go ahead. Here's your chance. Come on! Do it!"

Bacchus: "No. The pain of this loss-- is more than anything I could inflict. But when your sorrow fades-- I will find you-- and take my revenge. Until then, Brother-- "