Mommy Dearests Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Teaser

Lilith: "Now, Hercules, are you sure it's gonna be OK with your mother if I tag along?"

Hercules: "Yes. OK? She loves company."

Iolaus: "Aw, man-- wait till you taste Alcmene's sweet apple pie. Mmm."

Hercules: "Oh, and her fig tarts-- "

Iolaus: "Oh, oh-- forget about it."

Hercules: "Oooh."

Iolaus: "Hey, uh-- do you think she'll make, uh-- that lamb and her mint sauce?"

Lilith: "Oh, stop it! You're making me hungry!"

Iolaus: "Making _you_ hungry? Man, I can practically smell smoke from here."

People's Voices: [Screaming]: "Fire!"

Hercules: "You can!"

Iolaus: "Alcmene!"

Hercules: "Run!"

Alcmene: "Why are you doing this?!"

Lucius: "A message-- from one son of Zeus-- to another."

Alcmene: "You're Lucius?"

Lucius: "That's right. Take a good-- long look."

Alcmene: "If you've come here to hurt me, just get it over with!"

Lucius: "Oh, Alcmene-- that would ruin the fun! You see, I want you-- to watch-- as your son loses his mind with hate. I want you to know how much he's going to suffer."

Alcmene: "Hercules is at the academy."

Lucius: "Nice try-- but I happen to know he's on his way. In fact, he should be here-- "

Hercules's Voice: "Mom!"

Iolaus's Voice: "Alcmene!"

Hercules's Voice: "Coming!"

Lucius: "Right on schedule."

Lucius: "Be sure to tell him-- I dropped by."

Hercules: "Mother."

Iolaus: "The curtains! Lilith! Help!"

Alcmene: "I'm all right."

Hercules: "Who did this?"

Lucius: "Go!" [Laughs]

Hercules: "Lucius."

Lilith: "Uh. There."

Iolaus: "Uh."

Lilith: "Yeah."

Alcmene: "He seemed to want to hurt you. Why'd he attack the village? It doesn't make any sense."

Hercules: "Yeah, it makes perfect sense to him."

Iolaus: "Yeah, he's tryin' to destroy every mortal son of Zeus."

Alcmene: "What do you mean?"

Iolaus: "He's a wacko."

Alcmene: "There may be others in the village that need help."

Lilith: "Hey-- we'll check."

Iolaus: "Right with ya."

Hercules: "One thing's for sure-- he is _definitely_ not gonna get away with this."

Alcmene: "Please, don't do anything foolish. Lucius wants you to come after him."

Hercules: "Well-- he's gonna get what he wants."

Act One

Ambassador: "And so you see, young man-- we offer up a sacrifice to the Minotaur on a regular basis."

Jason: [Whispers] "Get me outta here."

Ophistus: "Well! Thank you, your eminences, for coming. However, Prince Jason has to, um-- he must, um-- "

Jason: "Troops."

Ophistus: "Inspect the troops. Thank you again."

Ambassador: "Mmm."

Jason: [Sighs]: "That man needs a bib."

Ophistus: "Yes. Oh, just one tiny thing, my prince-- "

Jason: "What's that?"

Ophistus: "Always use the fork, furthest from the plate, first."

Jason: "It's almost fall break at the academy."

Ophistus: "Yeah-- what has that to do with protocol?"

Jason: "I miss my friends."

Ophistus: "Well-- perhaps we have been working a little hard. Why don't you take a short walk?"

Jason: "Yeah. Yeah, I'll just go wander around the-- marketplace for a while."

Ophistus: "No, no-- I-I meant around the palace."

Iambe: Luc's Mother: "Tell Mother how you made Alcmene suffer."

Lucius: "I had her watch-- while her village burnt around her. Then! I made her understand how _few_ hours her _precious_ Hercules has left to live!"

Iambe: "You see, Zeus? This! Is your true child-- not that wretched whelp of Alcmene's. Oh-- you never loved her-- not-- like you loved me. Oh, we're coming, Zeus. We're coming to Olympus to join you. Tell me-- tell Mama-- what you'll do to Hercules."

Jason: "Hi, there."

Woman's Voice: [Screams]

Thief: "Give me that!"

Woman: [Screams]: "Help! Help!"

Men's Voices: "Get him! Get him!" "Grab him!"

Thief: "I'm gonna break you in half, little man."

Jason: "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

Woman's Voice: "He's a real-- "

Theodore: "Here you go, Ma'am."

Woman: "Thank you. Thank you, very much."

Theodore: [Laughs]: "My pleasure, Ma'am. I mean-- golly-- what citizen wouldn't do the same thing."

Woman: "And-- thank you, your Highness."

Jason: "You're welcome."

Woman: "Thank you."

Jason: "You're welcome."

Theodore: "‘You're Highness'?"

Jason: "Jason."

Theodore: "_Prince_ Jason? Wow! Uh-- Theodore. Uh, I just moved here from Patrai."

Jason: "Oh-- you're here with your family?"

Theodore: "Uh, no. My father-- passed away."

Jason: "Oh. I'm sorry."

Theodore: "There's been a lot to take care of, you know."

Jason: "I know how you feel."

Theodore: "Yeah."

Jason: "Well, look, I, um-- I gotta go back to the palace."

Theodore: "Sorry, I did-I didn't mean to keep you, huh?"

Jason: "No, why don't you, um-- why don't you come _with_ me? You can show me a-- few 'a your rope tricks."

Theodore: "You sure?"

Jason: "Hey-- _‘knot'_ a problem-- huh?" [They laugh.]

Alcmene: "Iolaus?"

Iolaus: "Hey, Alcmene. Hey. Hey, are you OK?"

Girl: "I lost my dog."

Iolaus: "Aw-w, well, don't worry about it. He'll come back. At least you _have_ the dog. Oh. Hey, uh-- ya like magic? Yeah? Look-- nothing in my hands. Huh? Magic coin-- see? Ya like-- ? W-w-wait! Wait. That's my money."

Lilith: "Hey, Hercules-- slow down. We've got enough. You're thinking about Lucius, aren't you?"

Hercules: "Wouldn't you, if he attacked _your_ mother? Huh?"

Lilith: "Hey, easy-- you'll get your chance."

Hercules: "When? When he just comes into town and burns people's homes down and rides away laughing?!"

Lilith: "Do you know where Lucius went?"

Hercules: "Not yet-- but I know him-- and he's left some kinda clue around here, that-- sick, little-- . When I find it-- I'm gonna make sure that he can never hurt anybody, ever again."

Jason: "Hey, yah. Whoo!"

Theodore: "Nice place ya got here!"

Jason: "Yeah. Hey, I'll tell ya-- the only other person I've seen handle a rope like that is Hercules."

Theodore: "Oh-h-h?"

Jason: "Hmm."

Theodore: "Who's he?"

Jason: "Her-- who's Hercules?! Well, that's my buddy! He's one of Zeus's mortal sons."

Theodore: "Jeepers! Zeus has mortal sons on Earth?"

Jason: "Ah, yeah. They're not all like Hercules, though. Some of them [Cuckoo Sound here]-- aren't all there if ya know what I mean."

Theodore: "No, I don't."

Jason: "He's got this, uh-- one half-brother-- Lucius-- ha-ha-- guy's a complete meathead. Hey, come on-- show me some of that rope stuff. Mmm."

Theodore: "Exceptional people-- aren't always understood-- by the lesser ones around them."

Jason: "Really. Well, Hercules is exceptional, and I understand him just fine."

Theodore: "That's nice-- love to meet him."

Jason: "Well, I'll see what I can do."

Ophistus: "Ah-- your Highness-- time for your etiquette lesson."

Theodore: "Well, I gotta get goin', anyway. Uh-- thanks for showin' me around the palace. Chk."

Jason: "Hey! You forgot your rope."

Theodore: "Keep it."

Lucius: "Hercules is as good as mine."

Thief: "I _did_ what _you_ wanted. I stole that lady's bag. Now, _give_ me what you promised!"

Lucius: "Do you have any idea-- how hard it was-- to pretend to let such an oaf like you get the better of me?"

Thief: "Mm-mm."

Lucius: "Normally-- I would tear you-- into _tiny, little pieces_! And feed you to the dogs for even _presuming_ to touch me!"

Thief: "So-- I guess we're even?"

Lucius: "Uh-- yeah."

Thief: [Yells]

Lucius: "None of them are worthy, Father. But soon-- I will prove to you that I am! [Whispers] Father."

Iolaus: "Hey-- how's it goin'?"

Lilith: "Oh, look at her. Her village is burned-- and she can still be happy."

Iolaus: "Yeah-- she can still be happy, ‘cause the little thief has got my money."

Lilith: "Oh, come on, Iolaus. Oh. Hello? Beep-beep."

Iolaus: "Yep-- that's great."

Lilith: "Ooh. Ooh. Yuck."

Iolaus: [Sighs]: "Well, I guess there's someone around here that likes ya. Hey."

Girl: "Buddy!"

Iolaus: "Now, don't go losing him again, OK?"

Girl: "Here's your money?"

Iolaus: "Uh-- no, you go keep it. Go buy your dog a cat." [Chuckles]

Girl's Voice: "Come on, Buddy! Let's go!" [Giggles]

Lucius: "Mother?! Hmm-- yummy. Goat stew!"

Iambe: "Tell me that Hercules is dead."

Lucius: [Gulps]: "Soon, Mother; very soon."

Iambe: "No stew for you!" [Hisses]

Lucius: "I'm sorry!"

Iambe: "Don't you care about me, anymore? My bags for our trip to Olympus have been packed for hours."

Lucius: "I-I-I know, Mother. But-- "

Iambe: "Go ahead-- forget about the woman who gave you life. Just-- break-- my-- hear-r-r-r-r-r-t!"

Lucius: "I-- have a plan."

Iambe: "What plan?"

Lucius: "T-to use Hercules' friend-- to break him. It'll take a little longer-- but he will suffer-- oh! so much more!"

Iambe: "Well-- now, that's different. Here-- have mine."

Lucius: "Thank you, Mother. I-I've discovered Hercules' mortal weakness. He actually _cares_ about his friends! [Laughs] And I intend to use that-- to de-_stroy_ him."

Iambe: "That's my boy." [Evil Laugh]

Hercules: "Corinth."

Act Two

Jason: "Ya-hah! Ya-hah! Hey-hey-hey-- Hercules. Hey, I didn't expect ya so soon."

Hercules: "Whaddya mean, ‘So soon'?"

Jason: "I just sent for ya. Theodore-- ‘Rope Man'-- he wanted to meet ya."

Hercules: "Well, whatever-- that's not why I'm here."

Jason: "This is one of our royal banners. Where'd ya get this?"

Hercules: "Lucius left it as a bit of a calling card when he attacked my mother's village."

Jason: "Lucius."

Hercules: "He's in Corinth."

Jason: "Why?"

Hercules: "Well-- in his twisted little mind, he thinks that if he hurts people that are close to me-- he hurts me. So-- you're in danger."

Jason: "Go to the captain of the guards. We're gonna form a search party. I'll meetcha in the armory-- all right?

Hercules: "OK. See ya there."

Jason: "Theodore-- how'ja get in here?"

Theodore: "Why? Is there a problem?"

Jason: "Yeah, Lucius is in Corinth."

Theodore: "Ooh."

Jason: "We're gonna search the city. What's with the sword?"

Theodore: "Oh, I, uh-- I just thought there might be some trouble."

Jason: "Because of Lucius."

Theodore: "Of course. What else?"

Jason: "I don't know. Ha-ha. But I _do_ know-- that no one knows-- he's here-- but Lucius himself."

Lucius: "Smart boy!"

[Fight]

Jason: "I'm not _that_ smart."

Lucius: [Laughs]: "Ha-ha!

Lucius: "I'll take that."

Jason: "You're not gonna get away with this, Lucius."

Lucius: "_Prince_ Jason-- what made you think you could challenge a son of Zeus?"

Hercules: "Why not? He challenges this son 'a Zeus all the time."

Lucius: "Little brother-- _why_ am I not surprised to see you, huh?!"

Hercules: "Let's just talk about this, OK?"

Lucius: "_Don't_ come any closer-- unless you wanna see whether _royalty_ bounces, huh?!"

Hercules: "What-- do you want, Lucius?"

Lucius: "Let's see, uh-- I want you-- to suffer for making me look bad in front of Zeus. And then-- I wanna destroy you."

Hercules: "Do you actually think that this is gonna make Zeus proud of you, huh? ‘Cause if you do-- you're crazier than I thought."

Jason: "You don't have to do this, Lucius! There's help for people like you!"

Lucius: "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Don't make me laugh."

Hercules: "Lucius, listen. Just think about what you're doin' here, OK? If you hurt him-- his people will hunt you down like a dog."

Lucius: "Let's find out then, shall we?"

Jason: [Yells]

Hercules: "Jason!"

Jason: [Groans]: "Don't worry about me, Hercules! I'll just, uh-- I'll just hang around!"

Hercules: "All right, just hold on! I got some business to take care of."

[Fight]

Hercules: "First my mother, now my friends, huh? Stop hurting people that I care about! If you really wanna get through to Zeus, this is not the way, all right?"

Lucius: "Zeus loves me. He tells me every day. Come on, admit it-- you wish you had the guts to be me."

Hercules: "What?"

Lucius: "You wanna be Zeus's favorite _so_ badly, you can _taste_ it! Sadly, that role is filled. You see? Zeus loves _me_ more. [Evil laughter] Well-- I guess I'll just have to use my bare hands, then."

Jason: "Hercules!"

Hercules: "Jason!"

Lucius: "Come on. Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Hercules: "Two can play at that game. Give it up, Lucius. It's over."

Lucius: "Never. See? I know where your mommy lives. And your friends are _so_ easy to find."

Hercules: "Don't you ever go near my mother again! You understand me?! Ever! Nobody-- nobody! Hurts my mother or my friends! Do you understand that?! Do you-- understand that?!"

Lucius: "Uh-- something about your mommy."

Hercules: "I'm gonna-- "

Lucius: "What? Do to me what I did to your friend, Jason?"

Jason's Voice: "Hercules!"

Lucius: "You could save him-- but you _so_ wanna finish me. Huh?"

Jason: "Uh! Uh!"

Lucius: "You're just like me."

Hercules: "Get back here and fight like a man!"

Jason: "Oh! Oh! Oh! Whoo! Hey-- don't worry about it. I heard what he said. You're nothin' like him."

Hercules: "Oh, yeah?"

Jason: "Yeah."

Hercules: "How can you be so sure?"

Jason: "Well-- I wouldn't have a jerk like that for a friend."