The Mysteries of Life Transcript (Novelization)

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Teaser

Men's Voices: "Your Highness." "Your Highness." "Greetings, Prince Jason!" "Crown Prince-- " "Prince Jason." "Lovely day, your Highness." "Look over there! It's him!" "May the gods be with you, Prince Jason."

Hercules: "Hi, Prince Jason, hi. So let me kiss your feet, baby. Let me kiss your feet."

Iolaus: [Interrupting]: "Ah, let me wipe the sweat from your royal brow."

Jason: "That't funny. That's funny. Ha-ha-ha-- that's funny."

Hercules: "Listen, uh-- thank you. Don't you ever get sick of all this constant sucking up, huh?"

Man's Voice [In Background]: "Oh, Prince Jason--"

Jason: "I can't help it if people love me."

Iolaus: "Whoa-- obviously, they haven't seen me whip your backside in the royal wrestling ring"

Jason: "I think your memory's playing tricks on you, Iolaus."

Hercules: "All right, you two-- "

Barker: "Step right right up! Step right up! Ladies and gentleman; boys and girls-- see the secrets of the ancient world-- laid bare-- the greatest riddles of nature! Revealed. All is told. All is shown here! In the the mysteries-- of life!"

Jason: "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Let's go."

Iolaus: "No, w-w-w-wait! Come on; come on. This sounds kind 'a interesting."

Hercules: "Oh-- come on-- guys. It's so fake!"

Barker: "What's that you say, young man?! A fake? Huh?! You be the judge-- huh? The show begins."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Sorry."

Man's Voice: [In Background]: "The Crown Prince!"

Hercules: [Softly]: "This is such a fake."

Barker: "Ladies and gentlemen! Feast your eyes. I dare you to call _this_-- a fake."

Iolaus: "Ruff?"

Man's Voice: "My god!"

Woman's Voice: "What _is_ it?!"

Iolaus: "Ruff, is that you?"

A Man's Voice: "What is that _smell_?!"

Act One

Iolaus: "Ruff, is that you? Hey-- Ruff. Hey, come here. Hey, buddy, how have you been?"

Barker: "Young man! Stay back! I-I beg you! He-he'll tear your head right off! He's a fire-breathing monster!"

Iolaus: "Come here. Huh? You like that? Huh?"

Hercules: It's gotta be Ruff. He remembers him."

Iolaus: "You know, you've grown. I mean-- you've _grown_. You've grown."

Woman's Voice: "Some monster."

Man's Voice: "Probably just some guy in a suit. Ha-ha."

Barker: "Oh, good people! Please! Don't go away! No, wait! Wait until you see the amazing three-legged man! Wait!"

Jason: "Three legs-- big deal. Cheiron's got four."

Barker: "Just get out! Do you hear me?! You've _completely_ destroyed my matinee performance."

Iolaus: "He is sick. What have you done to him?"

Barker: "What's it to you? He's mine! I can do with him what I want! Now, just get out! Come on!"

Jason: "Two-on-one-- that's not very nice, is it?"

Barker: "Hey, Sonny!"

Hercules: "Hey, hey-- hey-- hey-- now, just watch what you say, OK? You just happen to be talking to the Crown Prince of Corinth."

Barker: "Oh, yeah? And I'm the son 'a Zeus." [Chuckles]

Hercules: "Are you the son 'a Zeus?" [Chuckles]

Barker: "You go _no_ right to come in here and destroy _my_ show!"

Iolaus: "Look at him! He's wasting away!"

Hercules: "He's right, you know. He doesn't look all that good."

Barker: "The creature-- is fine-- a little under the _weather_, maybe-- the _humidity_. Besides-- he's spent his whole _life_ in captivity. I hatched him, myself-- from an egg given to me by the king of Thrace! Who just happens to be one of my _biggest_ fans!"

Iolaus: "You liar! He didn't hatch from an egg! If you really raises him, you'd _know_ that! _We_ raised him. _We_ set him free! Look at him! Jason-- we can't keep him here."

Jason: [Sighs]: "All right, how much do you want?"

Barker: "Sell my star attraction?! I have an _obligation_ to my public! And _who'll_ pay to see some 800 pound man _or_ medusa?!"

Hercules: "You've got Medusa?"

Barker: "Well, she _calls_ herself Medusa-- between you and me, I think the snakes are rubber. Anyway-- whatever! Sell the monster? No."

Jason: "Sorry, buddy, there's nothin' we can do."

Barker: "You heard your friend-- out!"

Iolaus: "You lousy-- !"

Barker: "You wanna piece of me?"

Iolaus: "Yeah!"

Barker: "You wanna piece of me?!"

Hercules: "Whoa, whoa, now, there's no need to get violent. OK? And _no_ need to get ugly."

Iolaus: "Yeah, like he can help it."

Barker: "Take him-- and go. Quiet! You wanna shut him up? [Chuckles] Go on. Hmm."

Iolaus's Voice: "I can't stand seeing Ruff like that."

Hercules: "I know that you're upset, OK?"

Iolaus: "If you looked into his eyes, you'd be upset, too. You know, when he stared at me through the bars of that cage, he-- he looked so sad. He looked so scared."

Hercules: "You're still thinkin' of him as a baby-- you know? But, listen, even back then, he was a handful."

Jason: "Yeah, now he's a dangerous animal."

Iolaus: "He is _not_ an animal! OK, he's an animal, but if _we_ don't get him out of there, he's gonna die. I know he will."

Jason: "Look, I could shut the show down, but the barker would just go somewhere else and take Ruff with him. For all we know-- they might be leavin' town tonight."

Iolaus: "Fine-- then I'm gonna go over right now-- and I'm getting him out of there."

Hercules: "Whoa, oh-- Iolaus-- ho-- "

Jason: "Uh, Hercules-- you can't stop him."

Hercules: "I know. Maybe I can keep him from gettin' hurt-- and make sure Ruff's OK."

Iolaus: [Whispers]: "Pssst. Hey. Ruff. Ruff, wake up."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Hey-- whoa, whoa."

Iolaus: "Shh."

Hercules: "Shh, shh. [Whispers]: "Where do you think he keeps the keys?"

Iolaus: [Softly]: "I have no idea."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Hi."

Iolaus: [Softly]: "But I do have a plan. Wait there."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "Hey, hey, hey, hey-- "

Iolaus: "No, no, no, I was-- thinking of Ruff."

Hercules: [Softly]: "Thinking of Ruff. Whoa, hold on-- wait a second. Are we sure we know what we're doing?"

Iolaus: "Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can handle him."

Hercules: "OK. Hold on a second. Now why doesn't that make me feel better?"

Iolaus: [Whispers]: "I don't know."

Hercules: [Whispers]: "OK."

Iolaus: [Softly]: "Hold this. Hey, buddy. Look-- I got you something-- huh? Good. You see that? They obviously don't feed him enough. If we don't get him out of here-- he's gonna die. Melon."

Hercules: "Melon."

Iolaus: "Blanket."

Hercules: "Blanket."

Iolaus: "OK-- don't worry, little buddy."

Hercules: "Don't worry, little buddy."

Iolaus: "I'm gonna get you outta here."

Hercules's Voice: "Hey, Iolaus-- where're we going?"

Iolaus's Voice: "Don't worry, Herc, I know a hiding place when I used to run with the Lowacks gang. Ruff will be safe here."

Iolaus: "OK. OK, we gotta stop. Oh, he's about ten time heavier than he used to be."

Hercules: "Yeah-- and about ten times smellier."

Iolaus: "Hey, boy-- you're out of that bad place, now. You remember how to shake hands? Shake hands? [Laughs] Look. I taught him that. Oh. Ooh. Oh, that does not smell good. Uh, I hope we got him out of there in time."

Hercules: "He just needs some fresh air-- you know? Some room to run? A couple days out in the wilderness? Back to his old self."

Iolaus: "Yeah. What is it, boy? Huh? Oh, man. We didn't take off the muzzle. It must be driving him crazy. Here-- hold this."

Hercules: "Listen, I-I really don't think we should, OK? I mean, he-he does breathe fire."

Iolaus: "Come on-- just for a minute. We'll put it back on when we leave-- promise. Besides-- I-I-I don't think he does that anymore-- you know-you know? I think he grew out of it. Hey-- didn't you? You don't spit fireballs-- yeah. Whoa! Whoa!"

Hercules: "I'm gonna take that as a big, fat no."

Act Two

Man: [Screams]

Soldier: "Get back! You peasants!"

Woman: "Go on! Get off! Get off the house! [?]"

Man: "He burned my house down!"

Jason: "Never should've let you go there without me!"

Iolaus: "Aw, gee, Dad, you think you could 'a done better?!"

Jason: "No! But the muzzle would still be on and Ruff wouldn't be out there-- burnin' people's farms down!"

Iolaus: "You can't blame Ruff! He's just a scared animal-- and he only spits fire when he feels threatened!"

Jason: "I don't blame Ruff. I don't blame you either, anymore than I blame myself."

Hercules: "Let's just look at the bright side, OK, guys? At least Ruff hasn't hurt anybody, right? Well, not yet?"

Guard's Voice: "You can't go in there!"

Barker: "Outta my way, lackey! So-- you really _are_ the Crown Prince."

Jason: "What do you want?"

Barker: "That riff-raff out there may think it's my fault that the beast is running loose. I came here to assure _you_ that it's not. But I see you've already captured the _scum_ that did it."

Iolaus: "Well, if I'm scum, what does that make _you_, ya low-life?!"

Hercules: "Iolaus-- it's all right. It's not worth it."

Barker: "The creature was going to make me a _show-biz_ legend. And if those rabble-- do _anything_ to him-- "

Iolaus: "What do you mean, `Do anything'?"

Barker: "They're going to hunt him down."

Man: "Kill the beast! Let's kill the beast!" [Yells]

Jason: "I'll try and stop them. If you want Ruff captured alive, you'll get to him first."

Iolaus: "Ruff will hear `em comin' a mile away, won't he?"

Hercules: [Sighs]: "Yeah, uh-- listen, let's try this way, OK?"

Jason's Voice: "This way, men."

Barker: "Don't worry! The show _will_ go on." [Chuckles]

Iolaus: "He's probably lookin' for food."

Hercules: "Or water. He's gotta get pretty dry, spittin' fireballs and all."

Man: "Look! Look! The path of the monster! Come on!"

Men's Voices: "Yeah!" "Let's get it!"

Soldier: "Here, Sire!"

Jason: "Good."

Soldier: "We should go first, your Grace-- in case we meet the monster. This way."

Jason: "You-- "

Barker: "You know, I'd-- hoped you were a little smarter than the common herd. They're all following a false trail laid by my, uh-- associate."

Jason: "What are ya talkin' about?"

Barker: "Oh, I have no more desire to see them destroy the beast than you. After all, he's my ticket to the big time. But I wouldn't worry-- they won't succeed."

Jason: "Hey!"

Barker: "Neither will you." [Laughs]

Hercules: "What are we gonna do when we find him?"

Iolaus: "Well, uh-- I'll just call him-- and then I'll, uh muzzle him."

Hercules: "Well-- I hope he recognizes you, you know? He's probably pretty panicked."

Iolaus: "It's like a boy and his dog. He'll know me."

Hercules: "Whoa, whoa-- hold on. Incoming!" [Yells]

Iolaus: "Ruff! It's us! Where is he? Where'd he go? I think he's over here. Ruff! Ruff, it's me!"

Hercules: "A boy and his dog, huh?"

Barker: "Oh-h-h, when I get that _thing_ back, no attraction in the _world_ will be its equal. Kings will _beg_ me to appear. Gods will de-_mand_ a showing. I will be known-- as the greatest showman in the-- quiet! If the monster hears us, it'll _ruin_ everything. He may be an ugly brute-- but he's cunning. Why-- I remember a time when-- what _are_ you going on about?! Down! Ha-- to the pit! Ah-- we've been waiting for you! Haven't we, Prince Jason? Uh-oh!"

Jason: "Nice try, Ruff."

Barker: "Temper, temper! You know how _hard_ it is for you to breathe when you shoot those things straight up."

Jason: "You won't get away with this."

Barker: "He'll tire himself out-- it's just a matter of time before we can get close enough and-- put the muzzle [on him]. Oh, um-- as he weakens, uh, he will become a little, um-- _peckish_. Regrettably, you're the only food he can reach-- yet. But-- you can't make a mousaka without crackin' a few eggs, huh? Ha-ha. Just think how much people will pay to see the monster that ate the Crown Prince of Corinth! Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Hercules: "They won't get the chance."

Iolaus: "No, no. I got him."

Hercules: "No, Iolaus, listen-- "

Iolaus: [Interrupting]: "No, no, no, I got him."

Hercules: "OK."

Iolaus: "OK, thanks."

Barker: "Missed me, missed me! Ha-ha!"

Iolaus: "Ow-w-w. Ow!"

Jason: "Iolaus, thanks for droppin' in."

[H fights Bar briefly.]

Hercules: "What the freak was that?"

Iolaus: "Uh-- uh-- uh, hey, boy! Uh, d-d'you-d'you remember me? Hey-- it's Iolaus. Hi. Uh-- d'you-d'you wanna-- wanna shake-- shake-- shake hands? Come on. Shake hands. Sh-- shake hands. Good boy . OK. All right. All right. No one's gonna hurt you anymore. You know? I think you would have been OK. I think he kinda likes ya."

Jason: "Yeah, medium rare."

Iolaus: "Come on-- I think he's a vegetarian."

Barker: "Gentlemen. Gentlemen. I-I-I got the circuit all worked out. The way you handle him-- "

Jason: "Don't even try it."

Iolaus: "Yeah, I said I _think_ he's a vegetarian."

Hercules's Voice: "You guys OK?"

Iolaus's Voice: "Yeah! We're fine!"

Hercules's Voice: "I'll toss you a rope! Sit tight!"

Iolaus's Voice: "This is a really nice island. Now, you said-- no hunters are allowed-- right?"

Hercules: "Yeah-- i-it's kinda like a sanctuary."

Iolaus: "Think he'll be OK? Hey."

Hercules: "Kora says that this land is very sacred to Artemis."

Jason: "Kora?"

Hercules: "Yeah."

Jason: "What does she have to do with Artemis?"

Hercules: "Uh-- that's a good question. I don't know."

Iolaus: "Sounds silly, but, uh-- I think I'm gonna miss him."

Hercules: "It's not silly at all."

Jason: "See you back at the boat."