Down and Out in Academy Hills Transcript (Novelization)

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[TEASER]

H: “You know, uh-- I don’t know what you two are doin’ for lunch, but, uh- mine’s almost done.”

I: “Well-- how ‘bout we share-- and when I catch one, I’ll give ya half.”

Ja: “Eh, give Hercules a break. It’s hard to split somethin’ that small. Oh! Oh! Oh! This one’s a fighter! Come on! Come on! Oh! Whoo-hoo. It’s a beauty!

H: “Well-- I see the bait, Jason, but, uh-- where’s the fish?”

I: “Yeah-- it’s not exactly king-size, is it?”

Ja: “Uh-- keep laughin’. We’re gonna hafta build a bigger fire to cook this baby.”

H [Interrupting]: “Uh-huh.”

I: “Hey-- I got a bite. I got one! I got one! Guys! Guys, I got one! Come on! Come on-- help me! Ahh.”

H: “Keep trying, Iolaus. Maybe next time you’ll find one for your _left_ foot, huh?”

Ja: “I know what’s for lunch-- fillet of sole.”

I: “Yeah-- very funny. Aw. Come here, little buddy. Oh, I am the master.”

---

Man: “Hey! I paid you to make this look like my daughter!”

Giant: “You looked at your daughter, lately?” [Chuckles]

Man: “Next time, I’ll give my business to Hephaestus!”

---

Giant: “I know that voice. Now-- we’ll really see-- who’s the best!”

---

I: “You know, guys-- they don’t look like rain clouds.”

H: “Hey-- hey, hang on! I’m comin’ to get you! Give me a hand. Everything’s gonna be fine. Listen-- who are you?”

Hephaestus [Heph]: “I’m-- well, I-- I don’t remember.”

---

[ACT I]

Heph: “This is good! I’ve never tasted anything like this, before.”

Ja: “I haven’t, either-- until I came to the academy.”

Heph: “Uh-- may I?”

I: “Well-- if you want it, Fish.”

Ja’s Voice: “Fish?”

I: “Yeah, we pulled him out of the pond. We gotta call him something.”

Cheiron: “You did well.”

H: “Well-- I couldn’t just leave him there. He doesn’t even remember his name.”

Cheiron: “No man is without a past. Someone’ll come for him, or his memory will return. Till then, I’m sure you’ll take good care of him.”

Heph: [Belches]

H: “[That was a] nice one, buddy.”

---

H: “Are you OK? You were cryin’ out in your sleep.”

Heph: “It was a bad dream. I saw things. I don’t know.”

H: “What-- what kind of things did you see?”

Heph: “Forge. I-- I think I work there. My mother thought it wasn’t good enough-- working with my hands, making things. She threw me out. Well I, uh-- I can’t remember but I, uh-- I think-- ”

H: “What?”

Heph: “I wanted her to approve. I wanted her to notice me.”

H: “I’m sure she will, one day. What about your dad?”

Heph: “Father?”

H: “Yeah.”

Heph: “Well I, uh-- I don’t remember.”

H: “That’s OK. Cheiron says it’ll come back to you, so, uh-- just try and get some sleep, OK?”

Heph: “Yes. Sleep.”

---

Man’s Voice: “Let’s go, cadets! Everybody hit the showers!”

H: “Whoa, whoa, whoa-- Fish-- what are you doin’ buddy? It’s broken. You’re wastin’ your time.”

Heph: “Well I, uh-- I fixed it-- made a few improvements-- adjustments. It’ll work better now.”

I: “Why bother? Strictly for beginners-- see? Oh, my hair!”

Lilith [Lil]: “Well-- well, make it stop!”

I: “Come on, you guys!”

Heph: “I can’t.”

Ja: “Hang on, little buddy. I’m comin’ in to getcha!”

H: “Jason!”

I: “Hey! Help me!”

H: “Oooh!”

I: “Ahhhh! Hercules!

Lil: “Ohhhh! Come on, Hercules! Do something!”

I: “No! Not the hair! Ahh! Thanks for the trim.”

---

Giant: [Roars]

A Man: [Screams]

Giant: “Where are you?! You worthless piece of metalworking god-trash?!”

---

Male Voice: “Did you hear? Simon’s got rabies.”

Kora: “Hey, guys. I’ve got something new on the menu that’s gonna be a real moneymaker. This place could sure use one.”

Ja: “What is it?”

Kora: “Well, I haven’t figured out what to call it yet-- but it’s made from these dried beans from Ethiopia.”

I: “Dried beans? That’s uh-- that’s-- great.”

Kora: “No, you don’t understand. You see-- you grind the beans up-- and then you boil it in water.”

H: “Ah-- so it’s bean soup.”

Kora: “No, no, because after it’s boiled, you throw the ground beans away.”

I: “Ah, that’s a waste.”

Kora: “And you drink the water.”

Ja: “You really think somebody’s gonna pay to drink old bean water?”

Kora: “Well, you add milk first.”

Heph: Needs cinnamon.”

Kora: “Cinnamon, yeah.”

H: “Ah-- I’m gonna take a wild stab in the-- dark, here. Have you been-- drinkin’ a lot of that?”

Kora: “Oh, year [sic]-- a lot. I-i-it’s great.” [Giggles]

H: “OK-- let’s get back to the academy, all right?”

---

H: “OK, you can open ‘em. Ta-da! I talked it over with Cheiron and, uh-- we think you’re gonna love it here, you know? There’s always lots of stuff that needs fixin’. So, um-- Fish-- you know that thing you made at Kora’s?”

Heph: “Yeah?”

H: “How’d you do that?”

Heph: “Well, it was easy. Ideas come to me. I look at something, and-- I see what it could be.”

H: “You-you just kind of-- see what it-- could be-- right. Whew. I’ve never known anyone that can see things like you, you know? It’s like a-- like a-- gift from the gods, or something.”

Heph: “Gods?! I-- can’t-- ”

H: “Fish, are you OK? Fish?”

[[[[Hera: “You’re no god, Hephaestus-- no son of mine! You’re nothing!”]]]]

Heph: “I know my name. It’s-- it’s Heph-- Hephaest-- Hephaes-- ”

H: “Hephaestus? Fish-- ”

Heph [Whispers]: “Yeah.”

H: “Is it Hephaestus?”

Heph [Whispers]: “Hephaestus.”

H: “Huh-- you’re a god! But-- that means we’re brothers! Fish-- we’re half-brothers! I _knew_ there was sum’in’ different about you!”

Giant: “There’s Hephaestus! You coward! Can’t hide from me now!”

---

[ACT II]

H: “OK-- first of all, who are you? Second of all, what do you want with Hephaestus?”

Giant: “Out of my way, if you don’t wanna get hurt. My fight’s with him!”

Heph: “I don’t wanna fight.”

H: “You’ll have to go past me.”

Giant: “We’ll see, boy. We’ll see!”

Lil, Ja, and I: “Whoa!”

I: “Hey, what is your problem?!”

H: “Hey! Hey! Hey! Tiny, over here, huh?! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size, huh?! Huh?! Come on. Let’s go.”

Giant: “You can’t hide here forever! I’ll be waiting for you!”

I: “Who was Mr. Congeniality?”

H: “Oh-- he was after Hephaestus?”

I: “Who?”

H: “Hephaestus? Metalsmith of the gods-- my half-brother. Fish.”

I: “Fish is a god?”

H: “Fish is a god.”

I: “Well-- guess it takes all kinds.”

---

H: “Hey. What you doing?”

Heph: “Not much.”

H: “Listen, uh-- why was that giant after you?”

Heph: “His name’s Argus. He builds things like me. But he’s sloppy-- not very good. Well, I guess he’s jealous.”

H: “You remember everything now, don’t you?”

Heph: “Yeah-- I’ve heard about you. You’re my brother, Hercules.”

H: “Half-brother.”

Heph: “Ares doesn’t like you much.”

H: “Well-- I’m not too crazy about him, either. Listen, Hephaestus. What happened? Why are you here?”

Heph: “You won’t tell anyone, will ya?”

H: “No.”

Heph: “Hera threw me out-- out of Olympus.”

H: “Why?”

Heph: “Because I’m not like Ares. Well, you should know-- he’s your brother, too. All I wanna do is make things. Hera said if I’m not gonna act like a god, I should live down here with mortals.”

H: “What about Zeus? What does he say?”

Heph: “He says this is between Hera and me.”

H: “Doesn’t he care?”

Heph: “I don’t know. I-- I don’t see him, much.”

H: “So-- what’re you gonna do? You know? You gonna go home? Back to Olympus?”

Heph: “No-- maybe Hera’s right. Maybe I don’t deserve to be up there.”

I: “Psst. Hercules. Hercules-- come here.”

H: “I’ll be right back-- OK? What do you want?”

I: “What did he say?”

Lil: “Hey, what’s he doing here?”

H: “Hera kicked him out of Olympus.”

I: “Ooh.”

H: “Yeah-- he wants to stay here and start a new life. Looks like we got the world’s best metalsmith as a guest for a while.”

I: “Uh, Hercules?”

H: “What? You got a problem with Heph stayin’ here?”

I: “No, but I think he does.”

H: “Hephaestus? Hephaestus.”

---

H: “There you are. Hephaestus! Hephaestus, how come you just took off like that? You didn’t even say goodbye.”

Heph: “I had to go. If I stayed, the academy was in danger from Argus.”

H: “You don’t even know where you’re going, do you?”

Heph: “It doesn’t matter-- anywhere I can live and build things.”

H: “You can build things on Olympus.”

Heph: “She threw me out?”

H: “Hephaestus-- maybe I’m luckier than you-- all right? I-I’ve never known my father, but, uh-- I’ve always known my mother loves me. But Olympus is your home. It’s your home-- as well as Hera’s. Now go home. Make her accept you.”

Heph: “No-- I can’t go back.”

Giant: “There you are! Stand aside, boy!”

H: “What are you trying to prove! You-you’re not gonna make your work as good as his.”

Heph: “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!”

H: “That’s _way_ out of line, Mister!”

Cadet’s Voice: “Hercules! What are you doing?”

Giant: “You shoulda stayed out of this!”

Heph: “Nooo! Yes!”

H: “All right, nice shot, Brother!”

Heph: “Right. Come on, slop artist!”

Giant: “Call yourself a guard?! Huh-huh. I’ll melt you! Ha-ha-ha! You’re not gettin’ away this time! Oh, no.” [Yells]

H: “All right, Hephaestus. We make a good team.”

Heph: “I never fought anybody like that before.”

H: “Well-- you stood up to Argus. Glad to have ya as my brother. And listen, who are you?”

Heph: “Hephaestus.”

H: “No-- Hera’s son. Say it.”

Heph: “I’m Hera’s son.”

H: “That’s right. And don’t let her forget it.”

Heph: “You’re right. It’s not my fault she’s disappointed in me. And I can’t be like Ares. I’ve got to be my own kind of god. I’m goin’ back to Olympus. Thanks, Hercules-- for everything.”

H: “All right. Oh-- Hephaestus? Uh-- you know, Zeus-- does he, uh-- does he ever talk about me? See you later, Fish?”

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