What a Crockery Transcript (Novelization)

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[TEASER]

Narrator: “Previously-- on ‘Young Hercules’.”

[[[[[[Ares: “If you were any good at being bad, you’d dare what no god has dared before. Destroy a mortal son of Zeus.” Strife: “You mean Hercules.” Strife-as-NG: “My uncle’s the reason why I’m here. He used to tell me about this place-- ” Strife-as-NG’s Voice: “-- in a cave-- up on the mountain. They got a chalice there-- made by Zeus himself. Wedding present for Hera. But they say he wants it back, now that they don’t see much of each other.” H: “Looks like water.” Ja: “I think we should get outta here.” H: “Why did you send me to the Phoenix Cave to get the chalice?!” H: “I’m sorry about-- gettin’ you guys in-- ta all this mess.” I: “What mess?” Ja: “So what’re you gonna do with Hera’s chalice?” H: “I’m takin’ it to my Dad.”]]]]]]

Narrator: “Now, on ‘Young Hercules’.”

---

Hera’s Voice: “What?!”

Ares: “Mother, I thought you knew. I-- really had no idea you cared so much about the chalice.”

Hera’s Eyes: “I want the perpetrator!”

Ares: “Dead? No can do. It was Hercules-- and you know how Zeus feels about little bro. Daddy’s put his protection on him-- preventing us gods from killing him.”

Hera’s Eyes: “Hercules?”

Ares: “What? Am I missing something here?”

Hera’s Voice: “Zeus made a promise to me when he made us that chalice. Anyone who takes it from its rightful place-- is condemned to death.”

Ares: “Then by Zeus’ own words-- his protection of Hercules is off. Well, well, well. Finally, little brother is on his own, and he is all-- mine. Thank you, Mother. Thank you for the chance to destroy Hercules.” [Laughs]

---

[ACT I]

Ares: “Strife?!”

Woman: [Screams]

Ares: “If you’re gonna make it to Olympian status-- you’re gonna have to stop letting half-gods kick you around.”

Strife: “Chill, Unc-- I was just getting warmed up.”

Ares: “I saw what you were warming up.”

Strife: “Yeah-- is she phat, or what?”

Ares: “Fat? What, are you kidding me?”

Strife: “No-- Uncle-- not ‘fat’-- ‘phat’. She’s a real Persephone, you know? Fly; Dope; Def. Groovy? Anyway, I was just-- ”

Ares: “Did I give you any indication that I care about your life?”

Strife: “No.”

Ares: “Then don’t share it, please. Question! Where is my mother’s chalice?”

Strife: “Hercules has it?”

Ares: “And what is Hercules doing with it?”

Strife: “Accessorizing his personal space?”

Ares [Laughs]: “He’s taking it to Zeus’s temple!”

Strife: “That’s not good.”

Ares: “We need to get some pain and suffering and misery out of that chalice.”

Strife: “Ooh! Twist my arm, Unc.”

Ares: “It can _not_ reach the safety of Zeus’s temple, or be put back in Hera’s cave. Tell me, Strife-- have you ever seen Hera angry? I mean-- when laying waste to an entire city wouldn’t _begin_ to satisfy her fury?”

Strife: “Yeah-- only in my dereams, Unc.”

Ares: “She starts to glow-- as if there was a cold fire burning inside her.”

Strife: “Yeah?”

Ares: “The winds rise. The Earth trembles. Animals run in fear.”

Strife: “Ooh. Yeah?”

Ares: “And no force in existence-- not even almighty Zeus!-- dare cross her path!”

Strife: “Ohhhhh-- yes-- yes.”

Ares: “Well, Strife-- there is a truly-- sublime level of suffering-- waiting for whoever has the chalice when my mother finds it.”

Strife: “Well, I have some nasty ideas, Unc.”

Ares: “Strife?”

Strife: “Yes, Uncle?”

Ares: “Try to be subtle.”

---

Ja: “So, what’re you gonna say to Zeus when you meet him?”

I: “Ye-ah-- ‘Thrown any good thunderbolts, lately?’”

Ja: “‘Nice robe. Who’s your tailor?’”

H: “I don’t know. I mean-- what do you talk to dads about?”

Ja: “Ask him how his day was? See if you can borrow the reins to the chariot.”

I: “Yeah-- why he’s never been there for you.”

Ja: “Hey, Hercules-- why don’t you tell him how tough your buddies are, huh?”

I: “Yeah, like when we nailed Strife at Kora’s.”

Ja: “Uh, Herc-- nailed Strife at Kora’s.”

I: “That is a minor technicality. If I’d had a shot at him-- he would have gone down. Ooh! Hey-- guys-- you know what I’m thinking?”

Ja and I: “Melonball! Yeah!”

H [Interrupting]: “No, no, no, no. We gotta get the chalice to the temple, right?”

I: “Oh, what? You can’t handle us?”

Ja: “Aw-- I thought you were mighty Hercules-- conqueror-- of the gods! Gods! Gods! Gods!”

H: “OK. All right. I guess if we get the chalice to Zeus’ temple this week, I have time to, uh-- teach you two a lesson.”

I: “Come on, Hercules.”

Ja: “Come on, you big mouth.”

I: “Ooh! Ooh! Ooooh!”

Ja: “Go inside! Go inside! Go inside! I said inside!”

H: “You went to a lot of trouble to prove you can’t play, huh?”

Ja: “I told you to go inside.”

I: “Ah-- I thought you mean the other inside.”

H: “Well-- maybe next time you won’t mess with the, uh-- mighty Hercules, huh?”

I: “Hmm-- it’s a good melon.”

H’s Voice: “Strife.”

H: “What do you want, huh? Another whipping?”

Strife: “Oh, no. I couldn’t fight you, Hercules. You’re way too strong. [Chuckles] How about the, uh-- little blond one?”

I: “Hey-- who’s little?!”

H: “Whoa, Iolaus. He’s after something again.”

Strife: “No, no, no, no-- more like I already got it.”

H: “The chalice.”

Strife: “Ha-ha. Now you see it-- now you-- don’t.”

H: “What did you do with it?!”

Strife: “Oh, like I’m just gonna tell you! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Ja: “That’s all right. We’ll find it ourselves.”

Strife: “Better move fast. Hera knows it’s missing and, uh-- I wouldn’t wanna be around when she goes looking for it.”

I: “Where?!”

Strife: “In a good home-- nice family.”

H: “I promise you, Strife-- you put one innocent person in danger-- !”

Strife: “You know, I wouldn’t have thought of Alcmene as bein’ all that innocent.”

H: “Mother?”

Strife [Laugs]: “‘Mother.’ [Laughs] Subtle enough for ya, Unc?”

---

Ares-in-Disguise’s Voice: “Whoa! My arm!”

Alcmene [Alc]: “Are you all right?”

Ares-in-Disguise’s Voice: “I think so.”

Alc: “Get back, Bear. Stay. Here-- let me help you.”

Ares-in-Disguise: “Ooh! No. No, I’ll be fine. My horse threw me and ran off.”

Alc: “Bear is usually not so calm around strangers. You must have a way with dogs.”

Ares-in-Disguise: “Oh, I do. I do.”

---

[ACT II]

Ares-in-Disguise: “You saved my life-- and all I have to give you is this chalice. It’s not much, but I insist.”

Alc: “I’m sorry. I couldn’t take your gift. It’s too nice.”

Ares-in-Disguise: “Oh, please? You don’t know how happy it would make me for you to have it.”

Alc: “But we hardly know each other.”

Ares-in-Disguise: “The kindness you’ve shown a stranger tells me all I need to know about your heart.”

Alc: “Oh, um-- I’ll have to think about it.”

---

H’s Voice: “Mother!”

Alc: “Hercules? What are you doing here?”

I: “There’s big danger! Big danger! We-- ooh-- lemonade. Thanks.”

Ja: “Strife must have lied-- again.”

Alc: “But who lied? What’s going on?”

H: “Well, we-- I took something from Hera to give to Zeus. And I know that I shouldn’t have.”

Alc: “You took something of Hera’s?”

H: “Yes. But, see, Strife took it from me, and he said that he left it here with you.”

Alc: Was if ruby red? Glittery?”

Ares: “Looking for this?”

H: “Ares.”

Alc: “Ares?”

I and Ja: “Ares?”

I: “He’s shorter than I thought.”

Ja: “Isn’t he, though?”

Ares: “It’s been awhile, hasn’t it, baby brother?”

Alc: “How dare you come into my house pretending to-- ”

H: “Mother!”

Ares: “Ah-- ah-- don’t get me too excited, I might-- well-- who knows what I might do?”

H: “What do you want?! If you’re here for the chalice, just take it and leave us alone!”

Ares: “What I want-- is to see you suffer. When you grabbed Hera’s chalice, you lost Daddy’s protection, and now, I can destroy you. And I want your mother to watch.”

Alc: “Stay-- away from my son!”

H: “Mother!”

Ares: “Well-- Hercules? Your mother has spunk. I hate spunk. Yah!”

H: “Listen. Get the chalice back to the cave.”

I: “We’re gone!”

Ares: “You know? I don’t really care about the chalice. That’s really Hera’s thing.”

H: “Mother, come on! In the house!”

Ares [Laughs]: You can’t hide from me, little brother! Oh, cool-- lemonade.”

Strife: “Let me. Mama’s first!”

Ares: “Young gods-- always in such a rush. There’s an art-- to torturing mortals. Let Hercules think he’s safe. It’ll make the end so much sweeter. Ah, the terror of the hunted.”

---

Alc: “Ares isn’t after me. He’s after you. Get yourself to safety.”

H: “I’m not leaving you here alone.”

Alc: “If the gods had wanted to hurt me, they would have done it long ago. But if what Ares says is true-- your father can no longer protect you from them.”

H: “My father. My father. You know, I’m really sick of my father and his protection. You’re the one who knows him. Why isn’t he protecting you?”

---

Ares: “Knock, knock-- anybody home?”

---

H: “I messed up big, this time. Listen, Mom, I’m sorry. Goin’ after the chalice to impress Zeus was exactly what you told me not to do.”

Alc: “It doesn’t matter, Son. But you need to run. You can’t defeat the god of war.”

H: “Run?! Mother-- where am I gonna run?!”

Alc: “Hercules.”

H: “Mother-- I love you-- but I will not run anymore.”

---

Ja’s Voice: “We put back the chalice-- ”

I’s Voice: “-- and Zeus’s protection order kicks back in for Hercules.”

I: “It’s dead, right? The Phoenix. It’s not coming back.”

Ja: “What do you think? It’s gonna rise up out of the ashes and come back to life?”

I: “Hey, maybe there’s some treasure in there we missed before.”

Ja: “We’re here to return this thing, Iolaus-- not exchange it.”

I: “I know.”

Ja: “And maybe save Hercules’ life.”

---

H: “All right, Ares. Let’s end this-- right now!”

Ares: “Ooh! See, Strife-- it’s just like I told you. It’s so much more satisfying when the victim begs for it.”

[Fight]

Ares: “Everything was just fine till you came along!”

Strife: “Word! Yeah! Give it to him, Uncle Ares! Hee-hee-hee! Ooh, lemonade”

---

I: “Wow, that was easy.”

Ja: “Yeah, too easy.”

I: “What is it with you, Jason?! Why can’t anything just be easy?”

Ja: “That’s why.”

I: “Whoa.”

Ja: “Uh-- ”

---

Ares: “I was the favorite!”

Strife: “Ooh.”

Ares: “Number one. Me. Ares. Son of Zeus. God of war.”

Strife: “God of war!”

H: “Well-- must be so rough for you.”

Strife: “Hey! Travelling, ref! Travelling!”

Ares: “Supplanted by a half-mortal. I could have destroyed you long ago, if not for Zeus’s special protection! Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?” [Laughs]

---

Ja: “You protect the chalice.”

I: “Protect the chalice? What about me?”

Ja: “How’s it going, boys. Good. Good. Afraid I-- can’t let you have that.”

I: “Whoa. Uh-- Jas? Jas!”

Ja: “Here, here. Go, go, go, go, go, go! Inside, Iolaus!”

---

Strife’s Voice: “Ares couldn’t do this sooner ‘cause Zeus swore he’d smash any god who put the hurt on you! But you blew that when you stole the chalice.”

Strife [Laughs]: “You’re mine, now. [Laughs] I mean, he’s yours now, Uncle Ares.”

Ares: “Nothing can save you now.”

---

Strife: “Ha-ha-ha!”

---

I: “Whoa!”

---

Ares: “Nooooooooooooo! Noooooo! Why protect him again, Father?! I was so close! What about me?! I have needs! This isn’t over, Brother. I’ll be back.”

H: “Yeah? I’m countin’ on it. Jason and Iolaus must have gotten the chalice back to the cave in time.”

Alc: “Be thankful for such good friends.”

H: “I am. Mom?”

Alc: “Yeah?”

H: “You got any of that lemonade left?”

---

I: “You think Cheiron would have accepted my excuse about-- the god of war vaporizing my homework.”

Ja: “For Cheiron, there are no excuses.”

I: “Yeah, but two weeks of kitchen duty? That’s kind of extreme.”

H: “Uh, listen, guys. Um-- I just wanna-- say that--- I-I-- I really appreciate what you guys did for me-- you know? And. uh-- well-- if you ever need me for anything-- you know what I’m tryin’ to say.”

Ja and I: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

H: “Thanks.”

Ja: “Hey, listen. When you’re done feedin’ your face? Move that to the left. The other-- left.”

I: “Oh. Oh! I’m sorry, Man. Oh! Oh-oh-oh you!”

Boys’ Voices: “Come on!” “Come on!”