Cram-Ped Shooting Draft

Cram-Ped

Written by: Hilary Bader

Directed by: Chris Graves

Shooting draft August 19, 1998 - September 29, 1998

Pacific Island Pictures, LTD, All Rights Reserved © 1998

Cast List

Hercules
Iolaus - (ee-OH-lus)
Jason
Lilith
Cheiron - (KYE-ron)
Fiducius - (fi-DOO-shuss)
Cadet #1: Gregor - (GREG-or)
Cadet #2: Pincus - (PINK-us)

Set List

Interiors:
Cheiron's Academy
- Classroom
- Dining Hall
- Dorm
- Empty Classroom
- Fiducius' Office
- Hallway

Exteriors:
Cheiron's Academy
Cheiron's Academy - Dorm

Vocabulary Pronunciation Guide

Phenom - (FEE-nom)
Caleef - (kuh-LEAF)
Carpathian - (car-pay-thee-en)
Mnuemonocles - (new-MON-oh-klees)
Dyphon - (DIE-fon)
Orestes - (or-ESS-tees)
Antiplees - (ann-tip-pleez)
Antillien - (ann-TILL-ee-en)
Cirilian - (sir-ILL-ee-uh)
Hellesta - (hell-ESS-tuh)
Orenga - (or-ENG-ga)
Mentunis - (men-TOON-is)
Eurupar - (you-REW-par)
Sisythile - (SIS-ee-theel)
Andromeda - (ann-DROM-ed-uh)
Aquila - (AK-wuh-luh)
Auriga - (aw-RYE-guh)
Bootes - (boh-OH-tezz)
Borealis - (BOR-ree-AL-liss)
Camelopardalis - (kuh-mel-oh-PAR-dull-is)
Canes Venatici - (KAY-nez ven-uh-TEE-see)
Sygnus - (SIG-nus)
Delphinus - (dell-FI-nus)
Draco - (DRA-koh)
Pegasus - (PEG-uh-suss)
Polaris - (poh-LAR-riss)
Ursa - (ER-suh)

Teaser

FADE IN:

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - CLASSROOM - END OF THE DAY

CHEIRON is finishing up a lecture. FIDUCIUS watches. HERCULES, IOLAUS, LILITH, and other CADETS lazily listen.

CHEIRON

That's all for today. I'm letting you go early --

IOLAUS

All right!!!

CHEIRON
(glaring)

-- so you can have extra time to study for tomorrow's final exams.

The cadets GROAN nervously as they eye each other.

CHEIRON

Fiducius will be proctoring the tests, so I assume you will all be on time.

The cadets GROAN again. Cheiron holds up a stack of TEST SCROLLS, hands them to Fiducius and leaves. A cadet, GREGOR jokingly asks:

GREGOR

Hey, Fiducius. How about letting us have a peek at the tests.

Fiducius hugs the test scrolls tightly to his chest.

FIDUCIUS

If you had been paying attention in class, as I'm sure none of you were, you wouldn't be worried about what's on the test. You'd know it.

LILITH

It was just a joke, Fiducius.

FIDUCIUS

A joke to you, perhaps. But I've seen how the standards of this school have dropped. Especially with certian...

(stares at Iolaus)

...'marginal' types being allowed in.

Herc notices the dig at Iolaus. Then, Fiducius exits, clinging to his scrolls and MUMBLING.

FIDUCIUS

And you can be sure I'll be locking these up someplace where your sticky fingers can't find them.

EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

A light shines in the dorm window.

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - CONTINUOUS

The Cadets are bustling about breaking into study groups. Lilith, JASON and Herc are approached by Gregor.

GREGOR

Jason, we need someone strong in Battle Science for out study group. You in?

JASON

Hercules is good in Calculation, and Lilith's a Star Navigation 'phenom.' How 'bout if they join, too?

Iolaus walks up carrying a scroll. Gregor notices.

GREGOR

As long as Iolaus isn't part of the package.

IOLAUS
(hurt, but hiding it)

Your loss, not mine. I've got an edge.

(holds up scroll)

A whole year's work boiled down to one scroll of notes. One hour with this, and I'm done studying.

Jason takes the scroll from Iolaus and starts to unroll it.

JASON

Where'd you get this?

IOLAUS

From Caleef, the Carpathian cadet who graduated last year. With Caleef's notes, I'm a shoo-in for highest score.

JASON

Well, I hope you read Carpathian.

IOLAUS

What?

He grabs the scroll. It's in Carpathian. Oh, no.

HERCULES

Come on, Jason, we can't just leave Iolaus on his own.

JASON

I've tried helping him all year. But I need this study time.

As Iolaus walks away, Hercules watches, worried.

JASON
(re: Herc's concern)

Don't worry. Iolaus always finds a way to get by.

HERCULES

That's why I'm worried.

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Iolaus walks along, staring at Caleef's scroll, scratching his head, tryign to decipher the Carpathian. Not looking where he's going, he trips and falls on his face. He looks up he sees he is in front of Fiducius' office. A mental light bulb goes on!

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - FIDUCIUS' OFFICE - NIGHT

Iolaus sneaks into Fiducius' office. He rifles through drawers, the desk, etc., looking for copies of the test.

IOLAUS
(WHISPERS to himself)

Where'd fiddle-face hide those tests?

He moves a framed picture to reveal an archaic safe door with a large LOCK swinging from the hasp. Iolaus thakes Fiducius' LUCKY HORESHOE off the wall and shoves it into the lock and tries to pry it open. It pops open EASILY as if it were already broken.

IOLAUS

That was easy.

He opens the safe door and pulls out SOME SCROLLS.

IOLAUS

These aren't the test scrolls.

Iolaus begins to put the scrolls back when something about one catches his eye. He opens it and starts to read. he sees something that disturbs him.

IOLAUS

Don't panic, Iolaus. There's gotta be a way. There's always a way.

He carelessly SHOVES THE SCROLL into the safe and rushes out. A MOMENT. Then Herc sticks his head in looking for Iolaus.

HERCULES
(WHISPER)

Iolaus?

He notices the scroll sticking out of the safe, takes it and begins to read.

HERCULES

'Order of the Magistrate. Regarding probationary cadet Iolaus. Pursuant to original agreement, cadet will maintain a passing grade each term or be returned to for fulfillment of original sentencing.'

(he translates)

If Iolaus doesn't pass, he's going to jail!

OFF Herc's look of total dismay:

FADE OUT.

Act One

FADE IN:

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - FIDUCIUS' OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Herc has cleaned up the mess Iolaus left: the scrolls are back in the safe. He closes the safe door and replaces the broken lock, then re-hangs the framed icture over the safe. He rushes out. A MOMENT. The Fiducius steps out from behind a book case. He holds the test scrolls in his hands. It is as if he was expecting Iolaus to try just this kind of thing (and he was). He smirks: It should seem as if he is out to GET Iolaus.

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - MOS MONTAGE - NIGHT

Iolaus is sitting very still at his desk. On the desk next to his is an open scroll. Iolaus surreptitiously reaches under his desk and slides out a mirror on a swivel. He glances in the mirror and begins adjusting it. He frowns. Then he climbs on top of the desk next to his. Reaching up toward the ceiling with a tall stick, he adjusts another mirror which is hanging -- hidden in the rafters -- right above that desk. He sits down and looks in the mirror under his desk. In the mirror, we see a perfectly reflected image of the scroll on the desk next to his. It has a simple drawing on it. Iolaus smiles, satisfied.

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - LATER

Near the water bucket. Iolaus dips a gourd into the bucket and drinks the water, tilting his head back in an exaggerated manner. We see he has inked answers into the gourd and is making sure he can read them.

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - LATER - END MOS MONTAGE

Iolaus is writing answers on the inside of a rope. He ties the rope around his waist like a belt.

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - EMPTY CLASSROOM - NIGHT

Finally, we find Iolaus writing in soap on ceremonial shields on the classroom walls. We don't see anything where he has written, but when he BREATHES on the shield, writing appears: All we see at this point is a diagram of a triangle with THETA and OMEGA written in the angles. (Really, it is okay here to use Theta and Omega because in geometry that's what we use to represent unknown angles. Remember 10th grade? Sin (¿)/Cos (¿)=Tan(¿)) Iolaus stares at his handiwork. Satisfied.

HERCULES (O.S.)

I remember teaching you how to do that when you were seven.

Herc steps up to Iolaus.

HERCULES

But it was to send secret messages -- not so you could do this.

IOLAUS
(butter wouldn't melt)

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just trying to conserve scroll paper. You know how expensive it is.

HERCULES

Did you sleep through ethics class?

IOLAUS

I tried.

HERCULES

Iolaus, if Cheiron catches you cheating it's a one way ticket out of the academy! No second chances.

IOLAUS

I've already got a one way ticket out of the academy if I don't pass my finals.

Herc holds up the Magistrate's scroll.

HERCULES

I know. I read it.

IOLAUS
(lightly)

You should thank me. When I get kicked out of here, I bet Fiducius'll declare a school holiday to celebrate.

HERCULES

Don't even joke about this. Jail is serious.

Iolaus SIGHS. Then Herc and Iolaus begin to remove the mirrors.

IOLAUS

I'm not joking. Fiducius has had it out for me since I got here.

HERCULES

You know, if you worked half as hard at studying as you do finding ways not to study, you'd be a top cadet.

Herc holds out his hand. Iolaus removes the cheating belt and hands it to Herc.

IOLAUS

I came here to learn how to fight, not how to conjugate.

(conjugating, belittles)

'I fight. You fight. He fights. She fights. They fight. We fought.' Who cares? I say just fight.

HERCULES

Combat training is easy for you.

IOLAUS
(easy brag)

I'm a natural.

HERCULES

But you don't like to do anything that's too hard for you. Wouldn't want to pull a muscle in your brain.

IOLAUS
(realizing the insult)

Wait a second. What are you saying? That I can't study.

HERCULES

Can you?

Iolaus knows he's being played here, but he can't stop himself.

IOLAUS

I can study. I can study harder and faster then any of you guys.

HERCULES

Prove it. Meet me in the dining hall. Five minutes.

IOLAUS

Where are you going?

HERCULES

To get help.

IOLAUS

They won't come.

Herc hurries out. Iolaus SIGHS, and follows after Herc. A MOMENT, then Fiducius enters. He begins "cleaning up" after Iolaus, wiping the shields. Checking everywhere for mirrors or other cheat devices.

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DORM - NIGHT

Everyone is studying. Herc enters and talks to the whole room.

HERCULES

Listen up, everyone.

LILITH
(sleepily)

What's going on?

HERCULES

We're forming a special study group to help Iolaus.

Another cadet, PINCUS speaks up:

PINCUS

Who's 'we'?

HERCULES

Everybody.

GREGOR

We'd like to help Iolaus, Hercules. But face it, academics isn't his speed. Did you ever think maybe he just...

(taps his head)

...doesn't have what it takes.

HERCULES

Funny, that's what everybody said about you when you couldn't learn how to keep your balance on the vertical logs.

GREGOR

Yeah, but once you showed me that trick you do with your eyes...

(realizing)

It's not the same.

HERCULES

Isn't it? When I helped you, you told me if I ever needed something, I should just ask. Well, I'm asking.

Herc turns to all of the sleepy-eyed Cadets.

HERCULES

I'm asking all of you.

Slowly, GRUMBLING, half the Cadets gather up their scrolls and head for the door.

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - MOMENTS LATER

Iolaus is pacing. Herc enters with a group of Cadets. Iolaus's face brightens. Herc steps close to him.

HERCULES

See, I told you they'd come. And they're all excited to be here.

(to Cadets)

Right?

Low MUMBLE. Non-committal.

HERCULES
(harsher)

Right?

Lot of energetic, but phony, "Yeah. Right. We're with you. Onward and upward. Eureka!" Etc. Iolaus sits. The Cadets for a circle around him.

IOLAUS
(excited)

So, where do we start?

The Cadets look from one to the other. They heave a collective SIGH and open their scrolls.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - LATER

Some Cadets have fallen asleep. Others look haggard. Lilith has an open scroll, testing Iolaus. Iolaus stands reciting:

IOLAUS

'Delphinus, Canes Venatici, Aquila, Cygnus...'

LILITH
(excited)

That's right. Keep going.

IOLAUS
(he's stuck)

Um... I forgot the rest.

LILITH

You have to have a system to remember all of them. Like alphabetical order. 'Andromeda, Aquila, Auriga, Bootes.'

GREGOR

No, no, no. There has to be some music to it. And a story.

Gregor begins to SING to the tune of (for now) "Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In Carolina." As he sings, the Cadets all stare at him like he's crazy.

GREGOR

'Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, how could anything be fina' ith Pol-a-a-a-ris. Pegasus and Draco like to fly across the crown of Bore-a-a-a-lis.

senses they're staring

What?

LILITH

You make up a song for everything?

GREGOR
(frowns, uneasy)

Doesn't everybody?

Pincus jumps to his feet and takes a pose like a BIG BEAR. Everyone stares. He GROWLS. Then he pulls Iolaus on his feet and starts posing him like a modern dance choreographer into the same Big Bear pose he was in.

PINCUS

Here, you're a giant bear. Grrrr. Now say it with me.

(growly voiced)

URSA MAJOR!

IOLAUS
(growly voiced)

Grrrr. URSA MAJOR.

(he stops suddenly)

This is just too embarrassing.

GREGOR

Hey, we're not the ones who can't remember a simple list.

HERCULES

What about Mnuemonocle's trick? You make a word out of the first letters of the list. Like 'HOMES' for the five battles of the Antillean War.

LILITH

'Homes'?

HERCULES

Yeah. HELLESTA, ORENGA, MENTUNIS, EURUPAR, SISYTHILE. 'Homes.'

Iolaus explodes.

IOLAUS

STOP! Everybody just stops. My brain is going to explode.

GREGOR

Fine, then learn it your own way. If you can figure out what that is before tomorrow morning.

All except Lilith and Herc start to leave.

HERCULES

You agreed to help.

GREGOR

Forget it, Hercules. I don't care how many favors I owe you, you can't make me stay.

IOLAUS
(really hurt)

You made them come?

HERCULES

'Made' is a little harsh. Influenced?

IOLAUS
(to departing Cadets)

Fine. Go. I don't need to twist anyone's arm to help me.

HERCULES
(to get Iolaus' attention)

Iolaus! We're running out of time here. We have to have a plan.

IOLAUS
(finally giving in)

It's hopeless. Maybe I'm just stupid.

(a moment)

This is where you guys jump in with, 'Oh no, Iolaus. You're not stupid.'

(no reaction)

You don't think I can do it either, do you?

Hercules and Lilith exchange a look.

IOLAUS
(big SIGH)

I'm doomed.

ON HERCULES pondering to himself. "Maybe Iolaus is doomed."

FADE OUT.

Act Two

FADE IN:

INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - DINING HALL - NIGHT

As before, Lilith, Herc and Iolaus ready to give up. Fiducius, unseen by the gang, is poking his nose in, listening.

HERCULES

Nobody thinks you're stupid, Iolaus. We just don't know what to do next.